Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 17














10q: Zach Galifianakis / Jessie J

Selection Sunday

Greg Gumbel.....Kenan Thompson
Jim Nantz.....Jason Sudeikis
Tracy Wilson.....Nasim Pedrad
Muammar Gaddafi.....Fred Armisen
Dick Vitale.....Andy Samberg
Melissa Leo.....Kristen Wiig
Charlie Sheen.....Bill Hader

Announcer: It's Selection Sunday on CBS!

[ dissolve to sports desk ]

Greg Gumbel: Well, it's March! That means it's time for March Madness! Hello, I'm Greg Gumbel. And 've been rockin' this room since 1981!

Jim Nantz: And I'm Jim Nantz. [ whispering ] Golf whisper!

Greg Gumbel: Tonight, we're unveiling the BRACKETS! Not for March Madness, but for ACTUAL madness!

Jim Nantz: That's right! It's the tournament to determine who's the CRAZIEST person... in the world. We've got four regions of craziness, but let's start with North Africa.

[ reveal bracket ]

Greg Gumbel: In a bracket that is dominated with ruthless dictators, and leading the insanity is Number One seed Muammar Gaddafi.

Jim Nantz: Gadaffi, the heavy favorite so far, is stepping up his game, come tourney time, with a full-scale civil war.

Greg Gumbel: And just LOOK at the guy -- it's like Tony Shalhoub had a baby with E.T.

Jim Nantz: [ chuckling ] Let's check in with sideline reporter Tracy Wilson, who's with Moammar right now.

[ cut to Tracy Wilson interview Gaddafi amid ruins ]

Tracy Wilson: President Gaddafi... first NUmber One seed since 1988. Must feel good!

Muammer Gaddafi: Oh, I'm PUMPED, baby! But this was a TEAM effort. There's no "I" in "Gadaffi" -- depending on the spelling! Sometimes there's a "Y"... sometimes there's, like, FIVE "I"s. [ he laughs heartily ] But I'm going ALL THE WAY this year! It's WIN... or get assassinated! [ he laughs meekly ] BOO-YAH!!

Tracy Wilson: Gotta love that confidence! Back to you guys!

[ return to the sports desk ]

Jim Nantz: Mmm... President Gaddaffi, a fat sleepy baby in a pile of blankets!

Greg Gumbel: [ impressed ] Oh... alright. Let's move on to the Washington, D.C. madness bracket. We've got stiff competition, with Michelle Bachmann going up against Keith Olbermann, in what's sure to be a battle of creepy eyes versus creepy mouth. And Number One seed Glenn Beck is going up against New York congressman Peter King, who was generating a lot of BUZZ pre-tournament. To help bring it down is the wacky uncle of college basketball -- Dick Vitale!

[ cut to Dick Vitale ranting and raving ]

Dick Vitale: It's a Cinderella story, baby!! Representative Peter King is coming out of nowhere with his radical Islam hearing!! It's the Salem Witch Trials, baby!! Is he special?! I man, is he special?! IS HE SPECIAL?!! Ohhhhhh, I ask a lot of rhetorical questions, baby!

[ Greg Gumbel chuckles to himself ]

Jim Nantz: You're the best, Dick!

Dick Vitale: I hope this tournament NEVER ends! Because, when it does, they put me BACK IN THE FREEZERRRRRR!!! DIPSY-DOO DUNK-A-ROO!!

[ return to the sports desk, as Gumbel chuckles to himself ]

Jim Nantz: Hmm... it's like Stanley Tucci snorted Adderall.

[ the two men shake hands at a joke well done ]

Greg Gumbel: Finally! Let's look at what might be the MOST competitive bracket of all -- the Hollywood division!

Jim Nantz: ALWAYS the most entertaining bracket! And it starts with a playing game between aspiring hot mess Melissa Leo, and seasoned disaster Coutney Love. In fact, let's go LIVE now to an EMPTY Kodak Theater, where Melissa Leo is preparing for the tournament by continuing her Oscar acceptance speech.

[ cut to Melissa Leo holding her Oscar ]

Melissa Leo: [ choking up ] I'm not done! And it's about the work! And it's about the craft! And it's about SELLING MOVIES!! [ she takes a bite off the top of her Oscar statuette and screams ]

[ return to sports desk ]

Jim Nantz: [ chuckling ] Oh, boy! I like her chances! The winner will take on heavy favorite Charlie Sheen. But don't count out the 3-seed -- Nick Cage! -- who ALWAYS looks like he just witnessed a murder. In the past year, he's been in "The Sorceror's Apprentice", "Season of the Witch", and "Drive Angry: 3D". That is just an EPIC run of nonsense.

Greg Gumbel: It sure is! But I still like 2-seed Mel Gibson, seen her in disguise as an undercover Wilfred Brimley. [ reveal file photo ] But there's no question that Charlie Sheen is the frontrunner here, driving the Crazy TRain at full throttle!

Jim Nantz: The fear with Sheen is: Has he peaked too soon? I mean, he's done in two weeks what it's taken Michael Jackson fifteen years to do!

Greg Gumbel: It'd be great to hear Sheen's thoughts! [ pressing his ear ] Wha... what? Oh, he as a 24/7 webcast!

Jim Nantz: Let's check in with Charlie Sheen.

[ cut to Charlie Sheen speaking into webcam ]

Charlie Sheen: My point is... I don't need two-and-a-half trolls. Because Bartholomew and I -- [ he holds up a stick figure ] are starting our own show! It's called "Winner, Winner, Chicken Dinner", and it's gonna be epic -- EP-IIIIIC!! [ he holds the stick figure to his ear ] What's that? I can't say that, they'll think I'm crazy. Okay. [ to the camera ] The pyramids were built by the Wayans Brothers.

[ return to the anchors applauding at the sports desk ]

Jim Nantz: Oh, man! That guy's the best! The best!

Greg Gumbel: That guy is a sloppy bucket of crazy!

Jim Nantz: Mmm-hmm! Let's take a break to hear from our sponsors -- Four Loko and AK-47s. When we return, we'll break down the Middle East bracket and we'll hear from four-time champion Kim Jong-Il. But, first: "Live from New York, it's Saturday Night!"


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