10q: Zach Galifianakis / Jessie J
Daughter #1.....Nasim Pedrad
Daughter #2.....Abby Elliott
Dr. Franks.....Bill Hader
Voice of Noodles.....Kenan Thompson
[ open on interior, family room ]
Dad: Uh, Trish, uh, I think we need to tell the kids about the dog.
Mom: You're right, but let's be gentle about it. Noodles was part of this family.
Dad: Of course. [ calling ] Hey, gang!
[ the kids come running in and take their seats on the couch ]
Dad: You kids okay? Um... You probably have been wondering where Noodles is.
Daughter #1: Is he having a treat?
Daughter #2: Is he at the dog park?
Son: He's still alive, I'm sure.
Dad: Kids... sometimes when dogs get a little older... moms and dads... send them away to a nice farm.
Mom: And that's what we did with Noodles. He's at a big farm upstate, with lots of dogs to play with. And, hey -- remember how Noodles... loved avocadoes?
Mom: Okay! Well, he's on this farm, and they've got avocadoes growing on every tree!
Son: Oh, wow!
Daughter #2: I'm gonna miss him, but... I'm glad he's happy.
Daughter #1: [ suspicious ] Wait a minute... you said the farm was upstate?
Mom: Uh, yeah.
Daughter #1: Well... unless New York State has undergone some kind of drastic climate shift, I doubt you'd find avocado trees there. Where's Noodles?
Son & Daughter #2: Yeah, where's Noodles?!
Mom: [ whispering ] Honey, try something else.
Dad: Okay, kids... Noodles is in doggie heaven. There's lots of other dogs there, and... remember how he loved Aunt Rita?
Dad: Well... [ struggling ] She's there to give them treats.
Son: Huh. But... why is Aunt Rita in doggie heaven?
Dad: Because God wants you to look like a dog. [ the kids eye him suspiciously ] Let me -- let me just start over. Uhhh... [ he takes Mom's hand and thinks ] Noodles was attacked by a bear.
Mom: [ whispering ] What?
Dad: I'm sorry! I panicked!
Daughter #1: What kind of bear? And it'd better be indignious to New York State!
Dad: [ crying ] It was! It was a panda bear!
Daughter #1: [ sternly ] What happened to Noodles?
Daughter #2: Yeahhh, what happened to Noodles?
Son: What happened to Noodles!
Mom: Noodles was killed by the Latin Kings.
Daughter #1: [ annoyed ] The Latin Kings haven't been active in this area for YEARS!
Son: Yeah, uh... yeah!
Mom: [ whispering to Dad ] You take it.
Dad: Okay... [ thinking ] Noodles hung himself.
Daughter #1: [ aggravated ] He would NEVER hang himself! He had TOO much to live for!
Dad: He didn't mean to hang himself, he was just --
Mom: Honey, you CAN'T Tell them!
Dad: The truth... MUST come out.
[ the kids scream for Dad to finally be honest ]
Dad: HE WAS CHOKING HIMSELF WHILE MASTURBATING!!! OKAY?!! ARE YOU HAPPY?!!
[ the kinds are stunned into silence ]
Dad: It was the ONLY way he could CLIMAX!! He would tighten his collar and LICK himself DRY!! And it went too far!!
Mom: Honey, let me, let me... [ solemn music pots up ] Kids... it's called autoerotic asphysixation. It's when a person or dog intensifies the thrill of masturbation by strangling himself. Sometimes they go a little far with the strangling. That's what happened to Noodles.
Dad: It's true. We found this dog porn magazine next to him. [ he holds up an issue of Puggs, then gives it a curious glance before putting it back down ] But... hey, even though Noodles died that way, we still do love him. Right?
[ Dr. Franks enters, carrying Noodles ]
Dr. Franks: Hello. I'm Dr. Franks from the vet's office. Good news, everyone! We hought Noodles was dead, but he was just... in a coma! Anyway... here he is!
[ Dr. Franks hands Noodles over to the kids, who immediately gush over him ]
Mom: Oh! Kids, go play with Noodles!
Daughter #1: Maybe later...
Son: Yeah, I don't know if I like him in my lap.
Noodles V/O: Ah, I suspected! I know you know what I'm doing. I know you think I'm a freak.
Dad: Noodles? Please know we would, we would never judge you.
Noodles V/O: Oh, I know! Only God can judge Noodles! You know... this family's been through a lot today. So why don't I do a little number to cheer everyone up?
[ music pots up, as Noodles sings "Luck Be a Lady" to fade ]