Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 36: Episode 19
April 9th, 2011
A Message from the President of the United States
Summary: President Barack Obama (Fred Armisen) announces that everyone in America is unhappy that the government shutdown was averted.
Recurring Characters: President Barack Obama.
Helen Mirren's Monologue
Summary: To acknowledge that she's nothing like the Queen she played on film, Helen Mirren and back-up sailors sing "There is Nothing Like a Dame".
Mort Mort Feingold: Accountant for the Star
Summary: Mort Mort Feingold (Andy Samberg) examines his celebrity clients' taxes.
Recurring Characters: Mort Mort Feingold, James Franco, Kim Kardashian, Kourtney Kardashian, Khloe Kardashian, Ricky Martin, Will Smith, Johnny Depp, Muammer Gaddafi.
An SNL Digital Short
Summary: After touching "Helen Mirren's Titties", Nasim Pedrad's eyes are opened to the natural beauties of the world.
Fox & Friends
Summary: Fox's morning pundits Steve Doocy (Taran Killam), Gretchen Carlson (Vanessa Bayer) and Brian Kilmeade (Bobby Moynihan) make random political statements that have to be researched by their fact-checker (Fred Armisen).
Recurring Characters: Steve Doocy, Gretchen Carlson, Brian Kilmeade, Hank Williams, Jr., Lou.
Summary: Mary Shelley (Helen Mirren) insists to her party guests that her novel "Frankenstein" is not based on her monster-like landlord Frank Stein (Fred Armisen) and his idiot son Igor (Paul Brittain).
Foo Fighters perform "Rope"
Weekend Update with Seth Meyers
Summary: James Carville (Bill Hader) comments on the near-government shutdown. Flight attendant Shelly Elaine (Kristen Wiig) describes a harrowing near-crash. Jean K. Jean (Kenan Thompson).
Recurring Characters: James Carville, Jean K. Jean.
The Best of Both Worlds
Summary: Hugh Jackman (Andy Samberg) interviews fellow actors who tackle film roles that reveal two different sides of their personas.
Recurring Characters: Hugh Jackman, Ice Cube, Julie Andrews, Richie.
Crunk-Ass Easter Festival
Summary: DJ Super Soak (Jason Sudeikis) and Lil Blaster (Nasim Pedrad) promote the under-underground Easter rock festival that features DJ Stank Skunk (Helen Mirren) at the Dunk Tank.
Recurring Characters: DJ Super Soak, Lil Blaster, Ass Dan, MC George Castanza.
Summary: The Reelz Channel presents an historically inaccurate mini-series based on the lives of Franklin (Bill Hader) and Elenour Roosevelt (Helen Mirren).
Recurring Characters: Elenour Roosevelt, Adolph Hitler, Marilyn Monroe.
Perspectives Photo Studios
Summary: Spokesman (Jason Sudeikis) promotes the trick photography techniques that makes men's penises look larger for cell phone photo submissions.
Note: This sketch was cut from last week's Dress Rehearsal.
Foo Fighters perform "Walk"
Bongo's Clown Room
Summary: Strip joint MC Tommy (Jason Sudeikis) announces it's his final night on the job after winning $9,200 from a lottery scratch-off ticket.
Recurring Characters: MC Tommy.
Dress Rehearsal Cuts
Don' You Go Rounin' Roun To Re Ro II
Summary: Trailer for a new British film with more unintelligible dialogue.
Late Night with Tyler Perry
Summary: Tyler Perry (Kenan Thompson) interviews Helen Mirren on his new late night talk show.
Summary: School teacher (Helen Mirren) discusses her student with his father (Bobby Moynihan).
Summary: Christopher Columbus (Fred Armisen) begs Queen Isabelle (Helen Mirren) to lend him a ship so he can discover the new world.
Billy Ocean Concert
Summary: Billy Ocean's (Jay Pharoah) biggest fan (Helen Mirren) attends his concert, vexing her husband (Jason Sudeikis) with the news that they are old friends.