Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 20




















10t: Tina Fey / Ellie Goulding

GOP 2012 Undeclared Candidates Debate

Shepard Smith.....Bill Hader
Mitt Romney.....Jason Sudeikis
Newt Gingrich.....Bobby Moynihan
Michele Bachmann.....Kristen Wiig
Sarah Palin.....Tina Fey
Donald Trump.....Darrell Hammond
Jimmy McMillan.....Kenan Thompson

[ open on Fox News slide ]

Announcer: And now, a special Fox News presentation. Live, at Daniel Webster College in ??, New Hampshire, it's the 2012 Republican Presidential Undeclared Candidates Debate. With your host... Shepard Smith.

[ dissolve to Shepard Smith ]

Shepard Smith: I'm Shepard Smith. My voice is both reassuring and deeply unsettling. [ he smiles maniacally ] Welcome to this week's second GOP debate. On Thursday, five official Republican candidates squared off in South Carolina. The debate included Ron Paul, Tim Pawlenty, Rick Santora -- and I'm gonna stop there before I fall asleep! Why don't we shift from the candidates we don't know much about, to the candidates we wish we knew less about. Please welcome former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney.

Mitt Romney: [ he nods ] Aw, gee whiz... I've been smiling for the last four years, but, I... I haven't been happy once! [ he chuckles nervously ]

Shepard Smith: Former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich.

Newt Gingrich: I love the 90's!

Shepard Smith: Minnesota congresswoman Michele Bachmann.

Michele Bachmann: [ facing the side of her podium ] It's a pleasure to be here!

Shepard Smith: Current famous person Sarah Palin.

Sarah Palin: It's just so great to be back on Fox News, a network that both pays me and shows me the questions ahead of time. And I just hope that tonight the lamestream media won't twist my words by repeating them verbatim.

Shepard Smith: The Andrew "Dice" Clay of the real estate world -- Donald Trump.

Donald Trump: The ratings for tonightís debate are gonna to be HUGE! As big as last Sunday's "Apprentice", where Star Jones got so mad she almost popped a staple! Plus, at the end, we finally killed Osama bin Laden. Osama, boom, youíre fired!

Shepard Smith: Finally, he was uninvited but fought his way through security and refuses to leave. Former New York gubernatorial candidate and current member of the Podium's Too Damn Expensive Party -- Jimmy McMillan.

Jimmy McMillan: Allow me to reintroduce myself! My name is Jimmy McMillan, and I believe, with the help of America's voters, I can be this nation's LAST Black president!

Shepard Smith: We begin with Mitt Romney. Mr. Romney, you ran and lost in 2008. What makes you think you have a chance this time?

Mitt Romney: Well, people say a lot of things about Mitt Romney. They say I'm rich and disconnected, they say I'm a dead fish. They say I look like a villain in a Lifetime movie: [ waving his hands ] "Look out, Meredith Baxter-Birney! I'm gonna get you! Aiiiggghhhh!! What am I doing, why won't they let me talk?" [ he chuckles nervously and shrugs ]

Shepard Smith: Good question! Newt Gingrich. You're never gonna be president, and I have a feeling you don't really want to be. Would you like to duck out early?

Newt Gingrich: [ he nods ] Yeah, I'd love to!

[ Gingrich jumps down from his podium and waves goodbye to everyone, even high-fiving Jimmy McMillan on his way out ]

Shepard Smith: Bye, Newt! Michele Bachmann. When MSNBC wants to scare liberals into caring about elections, they have you on as a guest. How can you win over the independent voters?

Michele Bachmann: Shepard, I'm hoping to establish a "Fatal Attraction" situation with America. At first I will come off as intense, and even a little bit sexy. [ she turns to pose seductively, as the camera zooms closer ] Over time the intensity will become overwhelming, and you'll begin to fear what I will do if you make me angry. A crazy woman untethered can be a dangerous thing. Cars get keyed, boxes of excrement will be found on your doorstep. You'll decide it's just safer to marry me so you can keep an eye on me. America? I challenge you to a staring contest. And it begins... now. [ she stares intensely at the camera ]

Shepard Smith: Mark me down as scared AND horny! [ he smiles mischieviously ] Sarah Palin. Many thought you need to bone up on policy in order to be a serious candidate in 2012. Instead, you seem to have done the opposite, focusing on reality television and Twitter. What, if anything, new do you have to offer the American people?

Sarah Palin: Well, first I want to acknowledge that this week we finally vanquished one of the world's great villains. And I for one am thrilled to say good riddance to Katie Couric. As for boning up on experience and policy, I'm planning a trip to the Middle East where I will be filming a cameo in "Hangover 3: The Third Hangover". Those fellows go to a bar, and I'm there! I also recently purchased Rosetta Stone: English. But the important thing for people to know is that Iím going to be running for president every four years for the rest of my life! Itís my Olympics and I intend to win a whole bunch of silvers!

Shepard Smith: Donald Trump. Go!

Donald Trump: [ standing behind a gold podium ] You're welcome! [ he pauses ] You know thereís a great American movie called "Citizen Kane". Itís about a man who kicks ass and makes a TON of money! I havenít seen the ending of this movie but I assume it ends with him happy AND president. I want to be your Citizen TRUMP! And if you criticize me, just remember: Youíre rubber and Iím gold, so whatever you say doesnít matter because Iím gold and youíre losers. [ he turns to Palin ] Except you. Sarah Palin, I like you. [ she cocks her finger at him ] If you want to be my vice-president, all you have to do is sell more chili than NeNe Leakes over the course of a hot summer day in Times Square. To conclude: This is a great time for this nation's greatest man -- ME! "Celebrity Apprentice", Sundays at 9pm, only on NBC! Bing-bong-boom! You're fired! I'm hired, as President. You're fired! "The Apprentice"!

Shepard Smith: Finally, Jimmy McMillan.

Jimmy McMillan: [ standing behind a cardboard podium ] First, I want to address those in the Birther Movement who claim that I was born a billy goat. Your suspicions are confirmed. PART C! I have recently received intelligence that Osama bin Laden is hiding in the ocean! So I will not rest until I find him! [ he holds up a scuba mask ] So this Mother's Day, vote for ME: The Black Lorax! Noww let this debate... BEGIN!!

Shepard Smith: That concludes tonight's debate. In closing, I would like to congratulate Barack Obama on his re-election. I'm Shepard Smith, and I'm a silly little catfish! Good night!

[ fade ]


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