Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 36: Episode 20

10t: Tina Fey / Ellie Goulding

Osama bin Laden Video Will

Osama bin Laden.....Fred Armisen

[ open on C-Span slide ]

Announcer: Next on C-Span: Earlier today, the Pentagon released a taped seized in Sunday's raid on Pakistan. According to video, Osama bin Laden's last will and testament. The tape runs about three minutes.

[ dissolve to Osama bin Laden seated in chair while holding papers in his hands ]

Osama bin Laden rambles in his native language, as his will is translated with subtitles ]

Translator V/O: Allah be praised. I, Osama bin Laden, being at present in good health, and of sound mind and memory, thanks be to Allah, hereby declare the following to be my last will and testament.

First, as to my funeral arrangements, it is my wish that they be conducted in strict accordance with Islamic law.

As pallbearers, I designate my five oldest sons, and Dakota Fanning. If Dakota Fanning is positively unavailable, my executors may replace her with a Dakota Fanning lookalike, although I do ask that they try to get the real Dakota Fanning, if that is at all possible. If, by the time of my death, Dakota Fanning is over 12 years of age, or is no longer a virgin, my executors are to replace her with her younger sister, if she has one. Although again, a 12-year-old, virgin Dakota Fanning is my absolute first choice.

Second, as to my place of burial, I leave the decision to my executors, provided that, wherever it is, they do not bury me at sea. As my family well knows, I have a deathly fear of being eaten by fish, so I am very serious about this. Do not bury me at sea.

Third, as executors to this my last will and testament, I name my dear friends at the Pakistani Intelligence Services. They are solid, reliable people, and, may I add, among the few individuals a person can still trust in this corrupt, cynical world we live in.

Fourth, as a special bequest to my devoted human shield, Fatima, I leave an autographed picture, along with the bulletproof vest she always asks about.

Finally, before I discuss the disposition of my worldly estate, consisting of cash, stocks, bonds, annuities, and certificates of deposit, my heirs need to understand the following points:

First, the size of my personal fortune has always been greatly exaggerated by the media. Frankly, I have no idea where they get some of their numbers.

Second, bear in mind that my investment portfolio was badly hurt by the market downturn in 2008, plus the subsequent Flash Crash, and has not fully recovered. In addition, I have incurred a number of major expenses in the last few years: building my compound, paying bodyguards and couriers, training and equipping Jihadists, medical expenses, laundry, office supplies, sandals, and so on. So that should be factored in as well.

Also, with 115 children, 750 grandchildren, and 11,000 nieces and nephews, each individual's share may not be as large as he or she may have anticipated. So, all that having been said, I hereby leave to my heirs, to be divided among them equally, my entire personal estate, currently valued at 3,600,000 Pakistani rupees, or 708 dollars 61 cents U.S.

Obviously, this is not as much as you or I would have hoped for, but there you have it. It is what it is.

Also, some of this, I imagine, will go to probate fees.

Now, I know that many of you must be disappointed at the size of the estate, and I suppose that now I'm suddenly some kind of bad person. Do I wish the estate were larger? Of course. I wish a LOT of things. I wish we had outdoor air-conditioning. I wish Mecca had better restaurants. I wish camel poop tasted like spicy hummus. But guess what? It doesn't.

So I leave you with this:

Instead of complaining about what we don't have, let's just be thankful for what we do: Our health, each other, and best of all, the knowledge that, try as they might, the Americans will never catch me. Isn't that the most important thing?

I hereby declare the above to be my last will and testament.

And "Live from New York, it's Saturday Night!"

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