Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 21


















10u: Ed Helms / Paul Simon

Song Memories

Ed.....Ed Helms
Bill.....Bill Hader
Andy.....Andy Samberg
Jason.....Jason Sudeikis
Scientist.....Paul Brittain

[ open on poker table in the basement, as three buddies hang out together ]

Ed: Oh, it's so great seeing you guys!

Bill: We've talked about this forever.

Andy: Yeah, I'm glad we finally got our schedules together.

[ Jason returns with bottles of beer ]

Jason: Alright, here's some brews to make up for the money I just won off you suckers.

Bill: I hope it won't disturb anyone upstairs if I put on some tunes, will it?

Jason: No, no. They won't mind. Go ahead. Let loose.

[ Bill points the remote at the stereo and pots up Cat Stevens' "Wild World" ]

Jason: Oh! Great song!

Andy: Classic!

Jason: Classic, yeah!

[ they all sing along with the opening "La la la la la..." line ]

Jason: You know, uh -- I think this was the first song I ever learned on guitar. Yeah, my grandpa taught me how to play it.

Andy: Oh, yeah?

Jason: Yeah, yeah. Yeah, music was a real bond between us, you know? He bought me my first turntable, and he gave me his ENTIRE record collection after he passed away. I got a lot of great memories of just sitting around listening to albums with him. I miss him.

Bill: He's always, always, always, always with you, man.

Jason: No, no... [ he lifts a cup ] I know. Especially since I carry his ashes around with me in this Jamba Juice cup. [ he slams the cup on the table and lets some of the ashes fly ]

All: [ singing ]
"Ooh, baby, baby, it's a wild world!
It's hard to get by, just upon a smile!"

Andy: [ pointing to the cup ] Why is there a straw in there?

Jason: 'Cause, uh -- so he can breathe.

All: [ singing ]
"Ooh, baby, baby, it's a wild world!
Ah!
I'll always remember you, just like a child, gi-i-i-irl."

Bill: You know what this song reminds me of? My dad.

Jason: Ah!

Bill: Oh, yeah. We've always had our ups and downs. He's certainly no angel, but... he's my dad, you know?

Ed: Aren't you guys estranged?

Bill: Yeah. We haven't seen each other in years. I feel terrible about it. It's only recently I found out where he was living.

Jason: Oh, yeah? Did you call him?

Bill: I tried, but, by the time I found his number, several Navy seals had killed him and thrown his body in the ocean.

All: [ singing ]
"Ooh, baby, baby, it's a wild world!
It's hard to get by, just upon a smile!"

Bill: I did inherit his sweet porn collection, though.

All: [ singing ]
"Ooh, baby, baby, it's a wild world!
Ah!
I'll always remember you, just like a child, gi-i-i-irl."

Andy: You know, one of my patients was humming this song the other day.

Ed: Oh, yeah! How is being a doctor?

Andy: Oh! I LOVE it! You know, I feel like I'm really helping people, I give them their yearly check-up. The only thing they don't like is that prostate exam -- you know, when I gotta put my finger up there? [ the buddies chuckle with famliarity ] It's a little awkward and uncomfortable for them, but, you know, you gotta get yuor prostate checked, right?

Jason: Yeah. Prevention is everything.

Andy: Yeah. I just hope none of my lady patients find out they don't have one! [ he laughs mischieviously ]

All: [ singing ]
"Ooh, baby, baby, it's a wild world!
It's hard to get by, just upon a smile!"

Jason: Now, you're a dentist, right?

Andy: That is correct!

All: [ singing ]
"Ooh, baby, baby, it's a wild world!
Ah!
I'll always remember you, just like a child, gi-i-i-irl."

Ed: You guys know how I like to dress up in a full scuba suit and then hide in the bottom of Port-o-Pottys and take pictures, right?

Bill: Yeah.

Andy: Ohhhh, yeah!

Ed: It's just who I am. I even put together a coffee table book called "Port-o-Potty Hotties: A View from Below".

Jason: Ohhh, nice!

Andy: Hey, was that on Amazon?

Ed: No. No, I never published it. I just made one copy.

Andy: I'd really love to see that.

Ed: Well... I don't have it any more. I gave it away. The BEST Mother's Day present I ever gave.

All: [ singing ]
"Ooh, baby, baby, it's a wild world!
It's hard to get by, just upon a smile!"

[ Ed grabs Jason's Jamba Juice cup and takes a sip, then spits the ashes out of his mouth when he realzies his mistake ]

All: [ singing ]
"Ooh, baby, baby, it's a wild world!
Ah!
I'll always remember you, just like a child, gi-i-i-irl."

Ed: Man! It is SO great to be here! I really needed this, guys.

[ Scientist comes down the stairs ]

Scientist: Boys? Boys?

All: Uh-oh!

Scientist: Are you ready to make ze human centipede?

All: Let's do it! Yeah!

[ they all assume the position ]

Andy: This is SO dumb!

[ freeze-frame, as Captain & Tenille's "Love Will Keep Us Together" plays ]

[ fade ]


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