11a: Alec Baldwin / Radiohead

Turner Classic Movies

Written by: Zach Kanin

Captain.....Alec Baldwin
Private.....Taran Killam
Thomas......Bobby Moynihan
Lieutenant.....Fred Armisen

[ open on TCM logo ]

Announcer: We now return to the 1956 classic "Angels in the Trenches."

[ dissolve to scene: soldiers firing rifles in the trenches ]

[ there's an explosion, and the Captain's down ]

Private: Captain! Are you alright?!

Captain: I'm shot! Oh, God, I think I'm dying!

Private: Captain, NO!

Captain: Oh, yes, it's true! I'm not gonna make it, Private! Can you deliver a message for me?

Private: Of course, sir! Anything!

Captain: Tell my wife I love her.

Private: I will tell her on my honor.

Captain: And tell my son...

Private: Yes, Captain?

Captain: Tell my son... there's no Santa Claus...

Private: Are, are you sure you want me to do that, sir?

Captain: Yes! You must! And explain to him how sex works!

Private: Um... maybe someone else should tell him this stuff.

Captain: I'm dying, Private... I can see the light...

Private: Okay! Okay, I'll tell him! You rest easy, Captain.

Captain: One last thing.

Private: Yes.

Captain: Tell my son that a cripple isn't a full human being.

Private: What?! Why?!

Captain: It is my final wish! Promise me!

Private: I promise.

Captain: And tell my wife's sister I love her --

Private: Her sister?!

Captain: More than my wife. Make sure they BOTH know I love her more than my wife! Alright?

Private: Maybe I should get a pen and paper...

Captain: I'm so cold... so very cold.

Private: [ unbuttoning his jacket ] Here, Captain -- take my jacket.

Captain: Tell my son that you killed me!

Private: Me?!

Captain: Please! I think it will give him some closure.

Private: Captain! Why would I kill you?

Captain: 'Cause it's my dying wish, Private.

[ an explosion, as Thomas is shot ]

Thomas: NOOOOO!!!! OH, I'vE BEEN HIT!! OH!!

[ the Private runs over ]

Thomas: Oh! Am I gonna make it?!

Private: It doesn't look good.

Thomas: [ catching his breath ] Can you do something for me?

Private: Anything!

Thomas: Please... tell my wife that I'm working late!

Private: But -- but you're DYING!

Thomas: She'll NEVER let me live this down!

[ an explosion, as the Lieutentant is shot ]

Lieutenant: Now I'M dying!

Private: One second! [ he rushes over ] LIEUTENANT!!

Lieutenant: [ catching his breath ] I want you to write a letter to my congressman.

Private: A letter?!

Lieutenant: Yes! Tell him there's a pothole on Dumont Street. Tell him it's so big, they should call it Dumont Crater instead of Dumont Street.

Private: Okay...

Captain: PRIVATE!! Back to me!

Private: [ rushing over ] What is it, Captain?

Captain: [ whipping out a leopard-print negligee ] I want you to put this on and dance around for me!

Private: I'm NOT gonna do that!

Captain: Okay, it was worth a shot! Listen -- I want you to dress up like a doctor and tell my brother he's got cancer. Trust me!

Private: [ outraged ] NO!!

Captain: It'll be hilarious!

Thomas: PRIVATE SCOTT!!

Private: [ rushing over ] Yes, Thomas?

Thomas: [ catching his breath ] Tell your mother... she's so fat she doesn't have a lazy eye, she's got a ribeye!

Private: [ confused ] My mother?!

Thomas: Yeah!

Lieutenant: And tell her she's so fat... the zoning board called and said if she gains any more weight... she's gonna have to install... a second butthole!

Private: Im' not gonna tell her that!

Thomas: Please..! Tell your mother... [ he catches his breath ] that she is SO fat... [ he catches his breath ] That's all! Just, please! Please tell her that she's fat...

[ Thomas dies ]

Captain: PRIVATE SCOTT!!

[ Private rushes over ]

Captain: Tell your mother that she's... [ he grity his teeth ]

Private: WHAT?! What, that she's FAT?!

Captain: She's... [ he grits his teeth and falls dead ]

Private: Captain! [ he looks around ] Okay... I'll tell her. I'll tell my mother she's FAT!

[ the Private salutes, as the screen reads "The End" and fades ]