Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 2


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


October 1st, 2011

Melissa McCarthy

Lady Antebellum

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The Lawrence Welk Show
Summary: Lawrence Welk (Fred Armisen) welcomes the Autumn season with a performance by Eugene Duelox (Taran Killam), musical sisters Shirley (Abby Elliott), Nancy (Nasim Pedrad), Toni (Vanessa Bayer) and tiny-handed Dooneese (Kristen Wiig) and her muscular cousin Gert (Melissa McCarthy).

Recurring Characters: Lawrence Welk, Dooneese, Shirley, Nancy, Toni.


Montage


Melissa McCarthy's Monologue
Summary: Melissa McCarthy enlists help from Kristen Wiig to show off a series of perfect dance moves.


Lil Poundcake
Summary: The realistic doll that gives HPV vaccination shots to little girls.

Transcript


Arlene
Summary: Desperate Arlene (Melissa McCarthy) hits on Tim (Jason Sudeikis) at the office and sends flowers and balloons to herself with hopes of making him jealous.

Transcript


An SNL Digital Short
Summary: Cops (Andy Samberg, Bill Hader) find solitude in their desk work by listening for musical sounds at the office and opening fire on members of the Blue Man Group (Fred Armisen, Paul Brittain).


The Comments Section
Summary: Formerly anonymous Internet posters (Bobby Moynihan, Taran Killam, Melissa McCarthy) relive their snarky comments and are confronted by one of their online targets (Nasim Pedrad).

Transcript


Rock's Way
Summary: Appearing in various Broadway productions, Chris Rock (Jay Pharoah) breaks the fourth wall to perform stand-up routines making fun of each play.

Note: This piece was cut from last week's season premiere.

Transcript


Lady Antebellum performs "We Owned The Night"


Weekend Update with Seth Meyers
Summary: Gaddafi's Two Best Friends From Growing Up (Vanessa Bayer, Fred Armisen) whisper more secrets about him while attempting to praise their friendship with him. Tyler Perry (Kenan Thompson) comments on his status as the richest entertainer on the Forbes' list.

Recurring Characters: Gaddafi's Two Best Friends From Growing Up, Tyler Perry.


Focus Group
Summary: As part of a focus group sampling new Hidden Valley Ranch Dressing flavors, Linda (Melissa McCarthy) desperately tries to get her opinions of the production heard and recorded.


The Essentials with Robert Osborne
Summary: Film raconteur Robert Osborne (Jason Sudeikis) presents a series of clips featuring 1930's actress Lulu Diamonds (Melissa McCarthy) repeatedly falling down stairs in rapidly-produced romantic comedies.

Recurring Characters: Robert Osborne.


Lady Antebellum performs "Just A Kiss"


Complaints
Summary: Don (Andy Samberg) tries to pick up Lana (Melissa McCarthy) in a bar, despite receiving a barrage of complaints from all of his past conquests while in the process.

Transcript


Goodnights
Transcript



Barnes & Noble



Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Governor Christie Press Conference
Summary: New Jersey Governor Chris Christie (Bobby Moynihan) is unable to persuade the public why he has no interest in running for President of the United States.


Past Bedtime
Summary: John Lithgow (Taran Killam) presents a scene in which a dad (Jason Sudeikis) orders his daughter (Vanessa Bayer) and her friends (Kristen Wiig, Melissa McCarthy) to quit dancing and go to bed, thus creating the inspiration for the film "Footloose".

Transcript


Netflix Apology
Summary: Netflix founders (Jason Sudeikis, Fred Armisen) apologize for their recent bad policy changes, then proceed to make more inane policy changes.


al-Qaeda Leadership Meeting
Summary: Several high level al-Qaeda operatives (Bill Hader, Bobby Moynihan, Andy Samberg, Jason Sudeikis, Fred Armisen) are reluctant to accept their terrorist organization's highest postion after longtime leader Anwar al-Awlaki's death by drone plane one day earlier.


Headz Up
Summary: The text-based app that clues people to their surroundings and keeps them out of danger while their eyes are glued to their tech devices.

Note: This ad parody will eventually air on the episode hosted by Daniel Radcliffe.


Frozen Mexican Dinner
Summary: When a musician (Paul Brittain) admits to being constipated, fellow band member (Fred Armisen) offers him a solution with a single dose of a frozen Mexican dinner.

Note: This ad parody will later air on the episode hosted by Steve Buscemi.


The Devin Avery Show
Summary: Dr. Devin Avery's (Kenan Thompson) method of siding with the most emotional experiences satisfies his producer (Vanessa Bayer), but gives no resolve to his guests (Melissa McCarthey, Bill Hader, Abby Elliott) nor helps his advice contributor (Fred Armisen).



SNL Transcripts