Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 3






















11c: Ben Stiller / Foster the People

Bruce Springsteen: Just the Stories

DJ Supersoak.....Jason Sudeikis
Lil' Blaster.....Nasim Pedrad MC George Castanza.....Jay Pharoah
Ass Dan.....Bobby Moynihan
Eckhart Tolle.....Ben Stiller

[ open on fiery graphics ]

Announcer: Under-Underground Records is BACK!

[ cut to DJ Supersoak and Lil' Blaster ]

DJ Supersoak: What up, yo! I'm DJ Supersoak!

Lil' Blaster: And I'm Lil' Blaster!

DJ Supersoak: And in case you didn't notice, it's time for the most dope-tastic holiday of the year!

Together: COLUMBUS DAY!!

Lil' Blaster: WHOO WHOO!! And what better way to celebrate, than by coming to this SWEET-ASS festival, yo!

Announcer: Announcing the first-ever Columbus Day Assblast!

[ cut to DJ Supersoak and Lil Blaster ]

DJ Supersoak: We got performances from all the hottest underground rap and rock bands!

Announcer: These bands will... GIVE! QUEEN ISABELLA! POLYPS!!

[ explosion ]

Announcer: With performances by: Sploink! SMC Hammertoe! Baby Nutsack! The Lesbian Forest! Yo Gabba Gabba! Crucifying Kudrow! And a very special a cappella performance... by Mrs. Potato Dick!

[ cut to DJ Supersoak and Lil' Blaster ]

DJ Supersoak: The Columbis Day Assblast is ALSO about giving back! Here to tell you more, is MC George Castanza!

[ cut to MC George Castanza ]

MC George Castanza: Yo! We got a NEW charity for y'all, it's called...

Announcer: DIRT FOR NATIVE AMERICANS!

MC George Castanza: When we came to America, Columbus stole all the Native Americans' land! Now, we're giving a bunch of it BACK! So bring us your LOOSE DIRT! Whoooo! Divots! [ he makes a squakly sound ] And full-on mud clumps, and we'll give YOU:

Announcer: A FRONT WEDGIE!!

DJ Supersoak: And you KNOW we got some fresh-ass special guests, y'all!

Lil' Blaster: You get to hang with the robot from "...Batteries Not Included"!

DJ Supersoak: Party with the cast of ABC's hit show "Dinosaurs"!

Announcer: [ over group photo of actors ] WITHOUT THEIR COSTUMES!!

Lil Blaster: Or, just have group sex with the Kia Gerbils! Damn! And you KNOW our friend Ass Dan will be in full effect!

[ cut to Ass Dan standing in front of a van ]

Ass Dan: Ohhhhhhhhh, yeaaahh!! You KNOW I'm still alive -- BITCH!! I'm gonna live... [ he grabs his arm ] I think I'm having a heart attack... [ he straightens himsefl ] Nah, it's cool. It passed. [ he gets cocky again ] Yeah, BITCH!! You KNOW I'm gonna live for --

[ freeze-frame, with SUPER: "Ass Dan, 1981-2011" ]

DJ Supersoak: Worried you won't be able to cheat on your girlfriend?

Announcer: [ with SUPER ] YOU WILL!

Lil' Blaster: 'Cuase the festival's gonna be crawling with THREE Hispanic prostitutes!

Announcer: [ over graphics ] Nina! Pinta! And Scuzzy Beth!

Lil' Blaster: There's gonna be so much DUMB STUFF to do! Like show your little-ass boobs to an old guy!

DJ Supersoak: Get real high and cry!

Lil' Blaster: And, obviously, you can have a Crap-Off with The Shark himself -- Greg Norman!

DJ Supersoak: Yo! I hear that gets gross!

Lil' Blaster: Ha ha! I ain't shy!

DJ Supersoak: [ high-fiving her ] I know that, kiddo! Yo! You MUST swing by Eckhart Tolle's Power Now booth! He's gonna scramble up your brain, yo!

[ cut to Eckhart Tolle ]

Eckhart Tolle: [ slowly ] The true key... to spiritual... fulfillment... is simply... [ he stares quietly ]

[ return to DJ Supersoak ]

DJ Supersoak: Yo! We gotta move on and come back later to heaer the end of that long-ass sentence!

Lil' Blaster: That dude blinks too much! But he has me appreciating the now! Let's sheck back and see if his pause is over!

[ return to Eckhart Tolle, now with a tear falling from his eye ]

DJ Supersoak: Ohhh, snap! That little effer's crying now!

[ explosion ]

Announcer: ASSBLAST!!

Lil' Blaster: You can play FarmVille... with Khalid Sheikh Mohammed! And the Taco Bell dog announces his next project!

Announcer: [ over SUPER ] HIS DEATH!!

DJ Supersoak: And you KNOW we got some horny-ass bonobos running all over this BITCH!!

[ reveal the bonobos, as DJ Supersoak laughs ]



DJ Supersoak: Hell, yeah!

Lil' Blaster: You KNOW it sucks!

Announcer: Columbus Day Assblast!!

[ explosion ]

Lil' Blaster: Get your tickets NOW -- BITCHES!!

[ fade ]


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