Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 3












11c: Ben Stiller / Foster the People

Bruce Springsteen: Just the Stories

Bruce Springsteen.....Ben Stiller
Lil' Stevie.....Fred Armisen

[ open on fake stock photos of Bruce Springsteen performing ]

Announcer: Bruce Springsteen. The Boss. You've loved his music for years. you've bought the re-issues, and you've bought the live bootlegs. But if you're a TRUE Bruce fan, there's one thing you're missing to make your collection complete:

[ dissolve to Bruce Springsteen in concert ]

Bruce Springsteen: [ addressing the crowd ] ...And my Daddy said to me, he said, "Son... you'd better be going to get a haircut!" And I said, "Sorry, Pops! But tonight... I'm going drag-racing by the old abandoned ferris wheel." [ grunting ] "Hun! Hoo! Haa! Hay!"

[ the band licks their first beat, then the screen cut to the product slide ]

Announcer: It's Bruce Springsteen: Just The Stories. A complete collection of the stories Bruce tells in between songs. Classic stories like: "Motorcycle Crash"... "Vietnam Draft Board"... "Lil Stevie (First Meeting)"... "My Brother Gave Me A Haircut With A Buck-knife"... "This One Time We All Got Bandanas"... and, of course, "Summer Jobs":

[ dissolve to Bruce Springsteen in concert ]

Bruce Springsteen: [ addressing the crowd ] ...When I was 16, I got a job stacking rust at a DIRT factory! And the summer after that, I got paid to keep turtles from crossing the turnpike! Then, the NEXT summer, my friends and I worked in a drive-in movie theater with no speakers. We got paid twenty cents an hour to lean in people's windows and tell them what was happening. It was a good job... but it wasn't as good as rock and roll! [ grunting ] "Hun! Hoo! Haa! Hay!"

[ the band licks their first beat, then the screen cut to the product slide ]

Announcer: Bruce remembers everything that EVER happened to him. And now, you will, too! And if you order today, you'll receive a bonus DVD of "Lil' Stevie: Tries A Story".

Lil' Stevie: So, the, uh... the guy loads up the sandwich with prosciut... you know. And it's like, uh... you know. It's like, uh... what do they call it now? Two books on top of the other! You know? Uh, I go to pay... and this fat bitch behind the counter...

Bruce Springsteen: [ interrupting ] You're right, brother! [ grunting ] "Hun! Hoo! Haa! Hay!"

[ the band licks their first beat, then the screen cut to the product slide ]

Announcer: Bruce Springsteen: Just The Stories. Order today!

[ fade ]


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