Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 37: Episode 3

11c: Ben Stiller / Foster the People

Mitt Romney Press Conference

Mitt Romney.....Jason Sudeikis
Republican #1.....Bill Hader
Republican #2.....Nasim Pedrad
Republican #3.....Taran Killam
Republican #4.....Paul Brittain
Republican #5.....Kristen Wiig
Republican #6.....Vanessa Bayer
Chris Christie.....Bobby Moynihan

[ open on C-Span slide ]

Announcer: We go now to Washington, D.C., where Mitt Romney is taking a question from top Republican fundraisers.

[ dissolve to Mitt Romney ]

Mitt Romney: Uh, it's such an honor to be addressing you tonight. You're the backbone of the Republican party, and I think we all agree it's time for change. Alright? I-I-I-I hope I have your support. Any questions? [ pointing ] Yes?

Republican #1: You were saying recently that America needs a leader who will return it to its position as the strongest nation on Earth.

Mitt Romney: Uh... yes.

Republican #1: Who do you think that leader is?

Mitt Romney: Uh, well... obviously, I, you know, think it's me!

Republican #1: Yeah, but... let's say you could pick anyone. Not just the candidates who've announced.

Mitt Romney: Well, I-I-I-I would still pick me. I- I think I have the experience, both in the private sector and the government to lead the country at this critical time. [ he points ] Yes, you.

Republican #2: The deadline for candidates to file to be eligible is October 31st.

Mitt Romney: Mmm-hmm. Yeah. That's right.

Republican #2: Would you be in favor of pushing that deadline back to give the party more time to find a viable candidate?

Mitt Romney: Well, obviously, I think I'm a viable candidate. I mean, I'm not just a guy who runs for president because I can afford to.

Republican #2: Oh! [ she twirls her eyes ] Okay.

Mitt Romney: [ pointing ] Uh -- yes. You.

Republican #3: Uh, this Tuesday, Gov. Chris Christie announced he would not seek the Republican nomination. Uh... have you considered calling him and trying to convince him to run?

Mitt Romney: Why would I do that?

Republican #3: Uh... he's a great candidate? [ he chuckles ] We were all gonna vote for him! Right?

[ the crowd murmurs their agreement ]

Mitt Romney: Okay, now, look, look, look! I know that Gov. Christie was a fun personality with a LOT of charisma. But I assure you... the more you get to know Mitt, the more fun you're gonna have! [ pointing ] You!

Republican #4: Uh, yeah -- are we gonna have Hoagie Friday?

Mitt Romney: [ confused ] I'm sorry?

Republican #4: Hoagie Friday. Uh, Gov. Christie said he would have Hoagie Fridays! He said we were a bunch of meatballs, uh... so we should all get meatball hoagies! [ the crowd laughs ]

Mitt Romney: Uh -- I'm sure we could get some food in here. What do you people like? huh? What do you like, buttered bread? [ no response ] You guys want some buttered bread?

Republican #4: You know what? Just... just forget it.

[ Republican #5 rises next to him ]

Republican #5: [ quickly ] You're not Chris Christie, and you never will be!

[ the crowd murmurs their agreement ]

Mitt Romney: Okay! Look! Okay, I'm about to get ANGRY! Okay? And not regular angry -- we're talking MORMON Angry! I mean, you're gonna start hearing words like "Shucks!", "Fudge!", and the biggie: " Cheese and crackers!" Now, I know I have shortcomings, okay? I'm plainspoken... I'm a little stiff... and my voice sounds like a black comedian doing a white guy voice. But I'm the man now! So do we have any questions about the election at hand? [ he points ] Yes -- you!

Republican #6: Um -- how do write-in votes work? Seriously -- if we all wrote in "Chris Christie" and he won, he would have to be president, right/

Mitt Romney: [ angry ] Awwwww... HECK IT ALL! Heck it all to FUDGE!!

[ Chris Christie leans in ]

Gov. Chris Christie: Heyyyy, easy, everybody!

[ the crowd cheers ]

Gov. Chris Christie: [ flattered ] Oh, look at this! I didn't realize there was a MEATBALL CONVENTION in town!

[ the crowd laughs ]

Mitt Romney: Ah ha ha ha. Thank you for that.

Gov. Chris Christie: Okay, now listen up! You HAVE to start showing Gov. Romney some respect! I mean, how do you think he feels, watching you like everybody more than him?

Republican #5: Governor Christie, we don't WANT to stay with him! We want you to run!

[ the crowd agrees ]

Gov. Chris Christie: It's not gonna happen! I know you want me to run, but this... [ he accentuates his figure ] This can't go national! My style works in one place: New Jersey! If I run for President, I gotta go to places like Mississippi -- in June!

Mitt Romney: Hmm...

Gov. Chris Christie: I mean, can you picture me in the Mississippi heat in June? Taking questions from some yokel while I breathe like Tony Soprano? [ he wheezes his demonstration ]

Mitt Romney: You alright?

Gov. Chris Christie: It's not gonna be pretty!

Republican #6: But Romney is so boring!

Gov. Chris Christie: So what? He's a nice man in a clean suit that wants to be President! Where are your manners? It's like he took you to a fancy dinner in a nightclub, and you spent the entire night grinding on the sweaty guy from Jersey! You owe him an apology!

Republicans: Sorry.

Gov. Chris Christie: I can't hear you!

Republicans: SORRY!!

Gov. Chris Christie: Oh... oh, hell! I can't stay mad at you meatballs! And by the way... wait. Mitt -- earmuffs.

Mitt Romney: You got it, Gov! [ he covers his ears ]

Gov. Chris Christie: Look -- I'm gonna run in 2016. [ the crowd beams with excitement ] I just can't do it now. Let's just say... I gotta make a couple things go away first. Okay? But after this poor bastard loses... [ he points to Romney ] I'll get a nice head start, I'll run in four years, it'll be great! Fat President! Come on, it writes itself!

[ the crowd cheers ]

Gov. Chris Christie: Thank you. Mitt! Earmuffs, off. [ Romney lowers his hands ] They're all yours.

Mitt Romney: Alright. Thank you, Chris. I really appreciate that. Uh -- thank you! Alright, so, uh, any mroe questions, you balls of meat? [ the crowd shakes their heads No ] Okay. In that case, I have one more thing I have to say, and I'm pretty excited to say it, so, uh --

[ Chris Christie shoves Romney out of the way ]

Gov. Chris Christie: Live from New York, it's Saturday Night!

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