Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 37: Episode 3

11c: Ben Stiller / Foster the People


Head Coach (Brad Pitt).....Taran Killam
Coach #2.....Fred Armisen
Manager (Jonah Hill).....Bobby Moynihan
Dealer.....Ben Stiller
Player #1.....Jay Pharoah
Player #2.....Paul Brittain

[ open on MPAA card ]

[ dissolve to movie trailer -- baseball coach in business meeting ]

Head Coach: You have rich teams... and poor teams. Then there's fifty feet of crap. And then there's us.

[ intercut with footage of ballplayers striking out on the field ]

Head Coach: We've got to think differently!

Coach #2: differently, how?

[ cut to Coach meeting with Manager in an alley ]

Manager: Your goal shouldn't be to buy better players. It should be to make better players.

Head Coach: But how?

Manager: with this guy.

[ reveal Dealer ]

Dealer: Hey.

Announcer: [ over SUPER ] From the malers of "Moneyball".

Dealer: What if I told you you don't need talent or money... and you could still win?

Head Coach: With what? Heart?

Dealer: No. [ he holds up a syringe ] With steroids.

[ the coach mulls it over ]

[ SUPER: "Based On A True Story" ]

[ cut to Coach addressing his new players ]

Head Coach: Gentlemen... we're going to give you talent.

Player #1: How you gonna do that?

Dealer: We're gonna inject in your ass.

[ cut to Dealer applying cream to the player's skin ]

Dealer: This is called The Cream.

Player #1: What does it do?

Dealer: It makes home runs. And it makes your nuts the size of raisins.

Player #1: Wait, what?

Dealer: Don't worry about it.

[ cut to muscled Player #2 hitting a home run ]

Player #2: I can hit!

[ dissolve to Dealer giving the thumbs-up ]

[ dissolve to Coach #2 yelling at Head Coach ]

Coach #2: People don't like what you're doing! You're threatening the game! Also, some of the players are growing tits.

[ dissolve to Player #1 examining his tits ]

[ dissolve to Dealer and Player #2 high-fiving ]

[ dissolve to Head Coach leaning against net, smiling ]

[ dissolve to Head Coach having breakfast with his daughter ]

Daughter: I'm so proud of you! How are you doing it, Daddy?

Head Coach: We're cheating, Honey. We're cheating.

[ his daughter smiles ]

Announcer: [ over SUPER ] When the odds are against you...

[ dissolve to Player #1 eating his baseball ]

Announcer: [ over SUPER ] ...Change the odds.

[ dissolve to team applauding their victory ]

Head Coach: Nobody believed in us! But we did it OUR way! Yeah!

[ the team cheers wildly, then begin to destroy locker equipment in an uncontrollable rage ]

[ dissolve to title slide ]

Announcer: "Tinyballs".

[ dissolve to Player #1 looking at himself beneath towel in the shower ]

Player #1: What's happening to me?

Dealer: You're winning.

[ fade ]

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