Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 4






11d: Anna Faris / Drake

A Message From Michael Bloomberg

Mayor Michael Bloomberg.....Fred Armisen

[ open on title slide ]

Announcer: The following is a message from New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg.

[ dissolve to Bloomberg at podium ]

Mayor Michael Bloomberg: Hello. I'm Michael Bloomberg. Now, before I begin, I hope you all recovered from the traumatic, leaf-rustling earthquake that hit New York this July. Also, I'd like to apologize for all the Hurricane Irene hysteria this summer, but since you were such bitches about the snowstorm last year, you left me no choice.

Tonight I want to address the demonstrations currently taking place in Lower Manhatten, in what's being called: Operation Wall Street. While these protests began here in New York, they have spread to dozens of other cities throughout the globe, proving once again that New York sets the trends and the world follows. So with all due respect to Chicago, Los Angeles, and London, if you're looking to vent your rage at a system where the richest 1% controls 40% of the planet's wealth, there is no better time, and no better place, than Autumn in New York. [ he grins smugly ] The weather here has been absolutely gorgeous. And while you're here, why not cap off a day of protest with dinner at one of New York's many world-class restaurants? Or take in a Broadway show like "Mary Poppins", currently at the New Amsterdam Theater.

Whatever you may have heard, I want to make demonstrators as welcome and as comfortable as possible. Yet, sometimes things do not go as planned. This week my office had arranged to clear the park of protesters so the area could be power washed. The protesters became upset, and some went so far as to suggest that the power washing was simply a ruse to break up the demonstration. Nonsense! As all New Yorkers know, various parts of the city are routinely power washed. Power washing is a New York institution, and, without it, the Big Apple would lose its reputation as the world's cleanest and most thoroughly sanitized city - with streets, as the saying goes, "you can eat off!"

Now, even though we have gone to great lengths to make them feel welcome, there have, regrettably, been some clashes between the protestors and law enforcement. Several demonstrators have even been pepper-sprayed. Although these were isolated incidents, on behalf of the city I would like to apologize and to make one thing absolutely clear: All pepper spray used was made from 100% pure cayenne extract, witout any added oil or trans fats and wascompletely salt-free.

now, to the protestors down on Wall Street, let me say something from the heart: The message of the Occupy Wall Street movement should not be trivialized. The wealthiest 1% of this nation does continue to profit outrageously at the expense of the 99. Ordinary people are angry at those on top, and I can well understand why they would occupy their places of business and even demosntrate outside their homes. But here, I'd like to point out something: Despite what you may have heard, I'm not really all that rich. In fact, there are several individuals living here in New York who are far wealthier than myself. People like Hedge Fund billionaire George Soros, who lives at 85th Street and 5th Avenue. Or Jamie Dimon, CEO of J.P. Morgan Chase, whose townhouse, I believe, is on Madison between 73rd and 74th. On the left side. And for protestors who are also Yankee fans, angry at the team's embarrassing loss to Detroit, Alex Rodriguez has a penthouse at Trump Towers. Now, technically, I might be richer than A-Rod, but I think we can all agree he has done less to earn it.

My point is this: Occupy Wall Street, I'm on your side. Come to New York and let your vocie be heard. You'll treated with respect and diginity by the city and the police, with one caveat: The second, and I mean the second, I see a demonstrator light up a cifgarette, we're moving in. The batons will come out and the badge numbers will come off. and if you think I'm joking, go ahead -- make my day!

Thank you for listening, and "Live from New York, it's Saturday Night!"


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