Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 4




















11d: Anna Faris / Drake

Tell Him

Waiter.....Andy Samberg
Kendra.....Vanessa Bayer
Anna.....Anna Faris
Abby.....Abby Elliott
Nasim.....Nasim Pedrad
Kristen.....Kristen Wiig

[ open on exterior, Sip 'N Soda malt shop ]

[ dissolve to interior, five girls seated at table ]

Waiter: Four root beer floats! Enjoy, ladies.

[ he walks away, as four of the girls enjoy their floats as Kendra just sits there ]

Anna: Hey... what's the matter, Kendra?

Kristen: Yeah, Kendra -- you LOVE root beer floats!

Kendra: Oh, you know... just boy drama.

Nasim: what happened?

Kendra: Well... there's this guy. And, well... we've been texting and, well... I'm really into him and, well... I can't tell if he's into ,i>me or not!

Abby: Well... have you talked to him yet?

Kendra: I would, but... I don't know what to say!

Kristen: Alright, Kendra -- listen up.

[ Kristen signals to Nasim, who nods and presses the jukebox ]

[ the four girls stand, as The Exciters' "Tell Him" starts to play ]

Kristen: [ singing]
"I know, something about love!
You gotta want him bad!
If the guy's got into your blood
Go out and get him...

If you want him to be
The very part of you
That makes you want to breathe
Is the thing to do:"

Girls: [ singing ]
Tell him, that, you're never gonna leave him
Tell him, that, you're always gonna love him
Tell him, tell him, tell him, tell him right now!"

Kendra: But, guys! I DID tell him that -- on our FIRST date! I told him I would NEVER leave him, and that I would ALWAYS love him! He seemed really weirded out.

Anna: Oh, my God! Yuo can't say something that itnense on yor first date!

[ the girls pull Kendra from the table and seat her at the center of the room ]

Nasim: Yeah, Kendra! When you first start dating a guy, you have to keep things light and casual. Before you tell him you love him, you have to tell him a lot of other things first.

Girls: [ singing ] Tell him, that, you don't care if you have kids!
Tell him, tell him, tell him, tell him all lies!"

Kendra: [ confused ] But I LOVE him! Why would I lie to him?

Nasim: She's not getting it!

Anna: You see, lies are a natural part of the dating process.

Kristen: Especially early on!

Abby: You need to show him that you're not one of those girls.

Kendra: What do you mean, those girls?

Abby: I mean... girls. [ singing ]
"You need to..."

Girls: [ singing ]
Tell him, that, you play Call of Duty!
Tell him you're a to-tal nerd and you love reading comics!"

Kendra: [ jumping to her feet ] But I don't understand! I don't even know what Call of Duty is! What if he asks me to play it with him?

Nasim: Trust me -- he'll NEVER ask you to play! He just wants you to appreciate all the time he spends playing it!

Kendra: And if guys want to watch sports and sci-fi all day, why don't they just date each other?

Anna: Increasingly, they do. In fact, pyschologists predict that, eventually, all men will become gay just to watch their favorite shows.

Kristen: But, for now, they still need sex. And when it coems to that, you have to seem fun and up for anything!

Girls: [ singing ]
"Tell him, that, you're open to a three-way!
Tell him, that, you watch porn every day!
Tell him, that, you're not grossed out when he says the word panties!"

Waiter: Well, what do you want us to call them?

Girls: "UNDERWEAR!

[ the Waiter throws his arms up in disgust and backs away ]

Kendra: Okay. So early on, I have to lie to him a little, but once we're dating, then we're jsut honest with each other, right?

Abby: No. And then you enter a new phase of lies. I call it "Maintaining the Mystery." [ singing ]
"I know, something about men, they never want to know.
How us, women keep it all up
You have to hide it.

If you want him to stay
Pining after you
Then you have to hide
The things all women do."

Girls: [ singing ]
"Tell him, that, you're naturally hairless!
Make him, think, you never use the bathroom!
Then when he's sleeping, you can run to Star-bucks!"

Kendra: Wait! I can never go to the bathroom?

Girls: NOOOOO!!!

Kristen: Of course not! I went away to Mexico with a guy once. I spent so much time in the lobby bathroom, people started tipping me. One night, after a bigdinner, I had to fake a kindapping just to get a couple hours alone. But it was worth it, because, at the end of the trip, he said I was one of the chillest girls he ever met and that he would call me!

Kendra: Did he?

Kristen: [ she pauses ] It's been a real crazy work year for him. [ she smiles uneasy ] We're gonna hang out real soon, though.

Kendra: This all seems like a LOT of deception, jsut to fall in love!

Anna: But here's the deal -- these are just the things we have to say until we actually fallin love. When you meet "The One", none of this matters! You can finally just be yourself and not worry about playing games or tricking him.

Kristen & Anna: [ singing ]
Then you know it will be, true love from fairy tales
You'll both be ha-appy, but if he tries to bail..."

Girls: [ singing ]
"Tell him, that, you'repreg-nant and it's his kid!
Tell him, that, you need to get married!
Tell him, tell him, tell him, tell him right...
Tell him, tell him, tell him, tell him right...
Tell him, tell him, tell him, tell him right now!"

[ the song ends, they pose in place, the camera pulls back and we fade ]


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