Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 5
































11e: Charlie Day / Maroon 5

Greek Gods

Zeus.....Jason Sudeikis
Ares.....Taran Killam
Athena.....Nasim Pedrad
Apollo.....Jay Pharoah
Artemis.....Vanessa Bayer
Demeter.....Bobby Moynihan
Poseidon.....Andy Samberg
Hera.....Kristen Wiig
Eros.....Kenan Thompson
Aphrodite.....Abby Elliott
Hermes.....Paul Brittain
Hades.....Bill Hader
Yanni.....Adam Levine
Dionysus.....Charlie Day
Klaus.....Fred Armisen

[ open on rotating headlines: "Greek Economy in Peril", "Greece: Who Will Save Us Now?", "Greek Gods To Meet" ]

[ dissolve to slide of Mount Olympus ]

[ dissolve to a meeting of the Greek gods ]

Zeus: Order! Order, order! I, Zeus, King of the Gods, have summoned you all to Mount Olympus because, somehow, the Greek economy has collapsed! [ the other Greek gods express their shock ] I know! No, I know! I was as surprised as you are! I mean, after all, the Greeks are widely known as a hard-working, industrious people -- you know, a people willing to labor week in and week out, three days a week, one hour a day until the age of 45. But today, we Gods must come to their aid. So, quick -- let us hear from the Greek God of Finance! [ the other gods look around ] Wait... there is a Greek God of Finance, right? There has to be! Surely, someone has been looking after the economy all these years! Ares! Isn't Finance part of your sphere?

Ares: No! I, Ares, am the God of War, Violence, and Bloodlust!

Zeus: [ dumbstruck ] All three? Wow! Great range! Athena -- what about you?

Athena: I am also War.

Zeus: Okay... hold on. So, basically, we have two gods of War, huh?

Athena: I'm also god of Wisdom.

Zeus: Okay, great! Perfect! Okay, then, give us your wisdom.

Athena: We could go to war.

[ the other gods cheer ]

Zeus: No! No! Easy, you animals! We're not going to war! We can figure this out! Apollo! Apollo -- don't you dabble in Finance?

Apollo: [ wearing dark sunglasses ] Nah, baby... I'm all about the sun!

Zeus: Hmm... Apollo, I keep telling you -- you gotta wear sunblock.

Apollo: Man... what are you talking about, baby? [ he lifts his sunglasses to reveal white skin around his eyes ]

Zeus: [ he rolls his eyes ] Artemis -- what about you?

Artemis: I am Goddess of the Hunt!

Zeus: Mmm-hmm. So, basically, also War?

Artemis: But I 'malso Queen of the Animals! And I've never told anyone this, but I'm ALSO a VIRGIN!!

Zeus: [ laughing ] Yeah! Yeah, no kidding! Alright, okay. [pointing ] And, I'm sorry, who are you again?

Demeter: I am Demeter, Goddess of the Harvest, and I am not a virgin. [ he winks ]

Zeus: Uh -- what about you, Poseidon, God of the Ocean? Surely, you've dealt with sea trade and international commerce -- you know. Do you have an economic plan?

Poseidon: Okay, here's the plan: I turn into a dolphin -- hear me out! I have sex with a human woman -- hear me out! It's not consensual -- hear me out! [ he pauses ] She's my daughter.

Zeus: [ laughing ] Oh, man, you dirty dog!

Poseidon: [ laughing ] Ohhhh! You're gonna bust my balls, Zeus?

Zeus: [ laughing ] You got me! No, man -- I turn into animals that have sex with chicks ALL the time! I'm like Tiger Woods, only an actual tiger!

Hera: Ahem! [ she taps her staff ]

Zeus: [ stunned ] Crap! It's my wife -- Hera. [ coolly ] Hey, baby! Hey. I was just, uh, totally being faithful, you know? What's up?

Hera: [ she sighs ] Have you dealt with the financial crisis yet?

Zeus: Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, pretty much, yeah, we got it. [ an arrow hits him in the chest ] Hey! Eros! cool it, pal!

Eros: [ poty-faced ] Sowwy.

Zeus: Hey, Aphrodite! Keep your son in check!

Aphrodite: Please. He's your son, too.

Zeus: [ stone-faced, turns to Hera ] Whaaat?! What?! No, she's kidding! Come on! Come on, she's the Goddess of Laughs, that one! [ he laughs ]

Hera: Okay, well... you're not the only one having affairs. I just had sex with a dlophin. [ Poseidon is now stone-faced ] Though, it was disappointing.

Poseidon: Yeah... well... the dolphin told me to tell you... that the ocean was really cold. So... that explains it. Besides...

Zeus: Hmm...

Hera: Also, I need to go to the doctor because I got actual crabs.

Zeus: Oh. Yeah. Okay. [ Hera leaves ] See ya'! [ to the other gods ] Okay, financial solutions! We need 'em, who's got 'em? Hermes!

Hermes: Yeah, uhhhh, I could send them a message!

Zeus: [ he shakes his head ] You're the WORST! Yuo really are the worst. You're TERRIBLE! Hades! God of the Underworld! What have you got?

Hades: We could just kill everyone. I don't know -- I only do ONE thing.

Zeus: Yeah, I know! I know, I know... I don't even know why I asked. Maybe it's time for Zoloft, buddy. Alright? Okay, uh, who else? What about the Greek God of music -- Yanni?

[ reveal Yanni playing on keyboards as the wind whips through his hair ]

Zeus: [ he rolls his eyes ] Okay, that was helpful. Dionysus! Where's Dionysus, the god of Festivals and Drunkeness? Is he here?

[ Dionysus runs in ]

Dionysus: Oh! Yeah! Hey! [ laughing ] Oh, man, sorry I'm late! You know -- orgy stuff!

Zeus: Mmm-hmm.

Dionysus: Yeah, I had, like, ten orgies!

Zeus: Great.

Dionysus: Demeter knows what I'm talking about!

Demeter: [ laughing ] Shut up!

Dionysus: By the way -- Athena? You were great last night.

Athena: [ confused ] Uh -- what was last night?

Dionysus: When you turned into a goat! Yeah? [ alarmed ] What, did you not turn into a goat?

Athena: Nope.

Dionysus: So I just banged a regular goat?

Zeus: [ laughing ] Yeah!

Dionysus: [ he shrugs it off ] I've done worse! [ they laugh ] So what's up, guys?

Zeus: you know -- we're just trying to find out which god is in charge of Finance.

Dionysus: Uh-oh!

Zeus: Uh-oh?

Hermes: It's the PARTY God's fault, Zeus! He's been overseeing ALL the Greek banks!

Dionysus: Hey, SHUT UP, you little BITCH!

Zeus: Yeah, SHUT UP, YOU LITTLE BITCH!! By my own beard, is this true?

Dionysus: Well, kinda...

Zeus: Yeah?

Dionysus: You know... I mean, look, I've been dealing with the spending part, you know? I've got the spending part of the economy -- I've got that mastered. You know -- spending!

Zeus: Right.

Dionysus: What's the other part?

Zeus: Uh -- saving.

Dionysus: Ohhhhh!! [ laughing ] No, I didn't do that! I didn't do that part, man!

Zeus: Well, then you leave me no choice. I summon Klaus, the German God of Prudence and Austerity!

Klaus: [ enters, weilding a wooden hammer ] Okay. Listen up -- I will lend you zis money, but first you must take some some responsibility and make some serious cutbacks! Ya?

[ the other gods object ]

Zeus: No way! Sorry, Klaus. Now, either you give us the money, or we take ALL of Europe down with us. I mean, we started democracy, we can end it.

Klaus: Okay, fine!

[ the gods cheer ]

[ cut to spinning newspaper, with headline: "Greece Gets Bailout" ]

[ zoom in on sub-headline: "Vows to Spend It Unwisely" ]

[ fade ]


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