Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 37: Episode 6

11f: Emma Stone / Coldplay

Bridal Shower Gifts

Bride.....Kristen Wiig
Kendra.....Vanessa Bayer
Maria.....Abby Elliott
Wallis.....Emma Stone
Mom.....Nasim Pedrad
Tony......Fred Armisen
Stripper #1.....Taran Killam
Stripper #2.....Andy Samberg

[ open on bridal shower setting ]

Bride: [ grabbing gift ] Okay, uh... who's this from?

Kendra: That's from me. Happy bridal shower! [she laughs ]

Bride: [ opening the gift ] What is this? Kendra! Sexy lingerie?

Kendra: Read the label -- it's edible!

Bride: I hope it doesn't have carbs! [ ahe laughs ] Okay, I'll pass it around!

Wallis: [ deep-voiced ] Nobody gives a crap -- huh huh!

Maria: [ handing gift over ] Open mine!

Bride: Okay. [ she opens it ] Oh, my gosh! Furry handcuffs? Maria!

Maria: [ laughing ] What? They're silly!

Bride: Mom, shield your eyes.

Mom: I think you girls might be a little freaky!

[ the girls all laugh at the comment ]

Wallis: [ pointing ] That lady's old -- huh huh huh!

Bride: [ picking up gift ] Um -- alright, okay, well, um... this one is, uh, from Wallis. Wallis and I work together.

Wallis: I just want to thank you again for including me, even though we don't hang out that much at work.

Bride: Oh. Sorry.

Wallis: It's really nice.

Bride: Let's see what it is... [ she opens the gift ] It's, uh... uh... anal lubricant. [ reading ] "Unscented petroleum gel... to ease anal pentra--." Thank you. Okay.

Kendra: Oh, my God -- Wallis! I --

Wallis: [ confused ] Did I do wrong? I thought we were supposed to get sex stuff?

Maria: Wallis, you're supposed to get funny sex stuff -- like cute things!

Wallis: Ohhh, I'm sorry. I never been to a bridal shower before. I was so grateful to be invited, I really don't want to whiff this.

Bride: Oh! Well, you didn't know, so... [ she laughs ]

Wallis: You want to pass it around?

Bride: Sure. [ she hands it to Kendra ]

Kendra: Thanks. [ looking at it ] Has this been opened?

Wallis: Mmm-hmm.

Bride: Okay! Uh... um, why don't I, um, open this other gift from Maria? [ she grabs a gift ] It feels like a DVD! [ she opens it ] "Secrets of the Kama Sutra"? Yuo guys!

Kendra: Maria, you are so bad!

Maria: You guys are gonna thank me later!

Kendra: You are so bad!

Bride: Alright, I'll get the next one. [ she grabs a gift ] Um -- it feels like another video. [ she opens it ] Um -- "Twink Summer: Gay Boy toys From All Around the World".

Wallis: Get it? Huh huh! It's a SEX movie! It's like hers! Okay... I think I did wrong again.

Mom: [ confused ] What's the movie? I don't understand.

Bride: No, no -- it's nothing, Mom!

Wallis: It's "Twink Summer", Ma'am. It's 90 minutes, 100 twinks... one unforgettable summer!

Bride: Wallis! Wallis... Wallis. [ she holds up her hand ] Okay, are there any other gifts?

Wallis: Nope. [ she grabs a long, skinny gift ] Looks like we're out of gifts. Let's move on, no more! [ she throws the gift over the couch ]

Bride: Okay... uh, why don't we read the bridal quizzes? [ the girls get excited ] Okay, Question 1: "Who is the bride's celebrity sexception?" Oh, Kenda wrote "Ryan Gosling"...

Kendra: He's mine!

Bride: Oh, my goodness -- you, too!

Wallis: [ nervously ] Okay, okay... looks like we all put Ryan Byling! We should just destroy the quizzes, move on! Okay!

Bride: Oh, my God... who wrote "Michael Vick"?

Wallis: Yeah, who... wrote that? I should explain -- I have never taken a bridal quiz before.

[ the doorbell rings ]

Maria: Uh-oh! I think that might be a sexy visitor!

Bride: What did you do?

[ Kendra answers the door, as Tony in chains enters ]

Tony: Is there a Wallis here?

Wallis: Oh, no! Hey -- maybe we should psss that lube around again.

Bride: Wallis, who is this?

Wallis: Okay, Chuckas... [ to the girls ] I hired this guy before I understood the tone of the party.

Tony: Okay, uh -- Ground rules: My name is Tony. I am a Human Toilet. You can go to the bathroom on me! If you have a dish, I'll eat it like a dog! But I do not provide the dish.

Wallis: [ embarrassed ] Oh, God... I am so embarrassed, ladies. I thought he provided the dish! I didn't know...

Mom: Who's that man?

Bride: No one, no one!

Wallis: He's a Human Toilet, Mrs. Malone! We can go ot the bathroom on him. He's kind of like a...

[ suddenly, the real strippers come in ]

Stripper #1: Freeze, ladies! You have the right to see our buns!

Wallis: Ohhhh, CRAP! It's the PO-PO! [ she punches the stripper in the nose ]

Stripper #2: Hey! What are you doing?!

Wallis: DIE, PIG!!

[ she pounds hell out of the second stripper, as the others call her off ]

Maria: They're not cops, they're STRIPPERS!!

Wallis: [ relieved ] Oh, thank God! Okay, sorry! I also brought, like, a bunch of cocaine! I have NEVER been to a bridal party before!

Mom: [ to Tony ] What does $20 get me?

Tony: $10 gets you the world.

Mom: Good dog!

[ fade ]

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