Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 37: Episode 7

11g: Jason Segel / Florence + The Machine

Kemper-Pedic Me Time Mattress

Pete Kemper.....Jason Segel
Stacy Kemper.....Vanessa Bayer

[ open on Pete & Stacy Kemper standing in their bedroom ]

Pete Kemper: Hi! I'm Pete Kemper, and I want to talk to you about a sleep revolution. [ he puts his arm around his wife ] Me and my wife, Stacy, we've been married so long... well, we both have our own routines.

Stacy Kemper: I go to bed early; he's a night owl.

Pete Kemper: Absolutely! And here's the good news: I'll NEVER disturb Stacy's sleep, thanks to my patented Kemper-Pedic Me Time Mattress. The only mattress that absorbs energy and does not transfer motion, even inches away. Stacy will sleep soundly, no matter what I'm doing.

Pete Kemper V/O: Whether it's: rolling dice... [ reveal msturbatory posture ] adjusting the change in my pajama pockets... [ reveal masturbatory posture ] exercising... [ reveal masturbatory posture close-up, then reveal exercise equiment ] making coffee using a Frendh press... [ reveal masturbatory posture ] or even doing the worm.

Stacy Kemper: With the Me Time mattress, I get a deep sleep, without any of that weird squeaking that used to wake me up.

Pete Kemper: [ laughing it off ] I know! What was that?

Stacy Kemper: It's great!

Pete Kemper: Listen: Try my famous Italian Dinner Test.

Pete Kemper V/O: ...where I put a glass of Chianti on one side of the bed and pound pizza dough in my lap on the other side. [ reveal masturbaotry posture ] See? The wine doesn't spill no matter how hard I pound. I can pound that dough for six to eight minutes until I can't take it any more and I... am... spent!

Pete Kemper: Hey! Who's ready to eat?

[ they laugh ]

Pete Kemper: So if you and your spouse have your own routines, do yourself a favor and get a Kemper-Pedic Me Time Mattress.

[ reveal masturbatory image of Pete elongating an object that turns out to be a telescope ]

Pete Kemper V/O: Buy one today, and get a special laptop shade that shields the brightness of a laptop computer, so you can take it to bed any time.

[ reveal Pete in bed with laptop and laptop shade, Googling porn and masturbating ]

Pete Kemper V/O: The Kemper-Pedic Me Time mattress. Because you need some me time.

[ fade ]

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