Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 8


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:

Guest Writer:


December 3rd, 2011

Steve Buscemi

The Black Keys

None

Maya Rudolph

None

Emily Spivey

A Message from the President of the United States
Summary: President Barack Obama (Fred Armisen) lists all the people and institutions who are actually more powerful than he is.

Recurring Characters: President Barack Obama.

Transcript


Montage


Steve Buscemi's Monologue
Summary: Steve Buscemi tackles questions from audience members who work as stereotypical character actors but would like to evolve their craft into lead roles.

Transcript


Frozen Mexican Dinner
Summary: When a musician (Paul Brittain) admits to being constipated, fellow band member (Fred Armisen) offers him a solution with a single dose of a frozen Mexican dinner.

Note: This ad parody had been cut from multiple dress rehearsals throughout the season.


The Miley Cyrus Show
Summary: Miley Cyrus (Vanessa Bayer) welcomes fellow pothead Jeff (Steve Buscemi) to the show, until Billy Ray Cyrus (Jason Sudeikis) brings in Whitney Houston (Maya Rudolph) to perform an intervention.

Recurring Characters: Miley Cyrus, Billy Ray Cyrus, Whitney Houston.


An SNL Digital Short
Summary: Commissioner Jim Gordon (Steve Buscemi) is repeatedly flustered by Batman's (Andy Samberg) unannounced appearances in his personal affairs.

Transcript


Dateline
Summary: Keith Morrison (Bill Hader) revels in the misery of the Mystery of the Chopped Up Guy.

Recurring Characters: Keith Morrison.


Coach Bert
Summary: Central University's Head Coach (Jason Sudeikis) makes it clear that basketball coach Bert (Steve Buscemi) is not a pedophile, but it's hardly a ringing endorsement.

Transcript


The Black Keys perform "Lonely Boy"


Weekend Update with Seth Meyers
Summary: Herman Cain (Kenan Thompson) announces that he's suspending his presidential campaign and makes excuses for his marital indiscretions. Drunk Uncle (Bobby Moynihan) gives advice on how to deal with family members during the holidays.

Recurring Characters: Herman Cain.


Surprise
Summary: Playskool manager (Steve Buscemi) wants to surprise Sandra (Vanessa Bayer) with a promotion, but can co-worker Sue (Kristen Wiig) hold herself together without spoiling the surprise?

Recurring Characters: Sue.


"Sex" Ed Vincent's Couples Workshop Sex Intensive
Summary: Ed Vincent (Paul Brittain) hosts a three-day symposium on sex to help couples spice up their marriage in the bedroom and in the kitchen.

Recurring Characters: "Sex" Ed Vincent.

Transcript


The Black Keys perform "Gold On The Ceiling"


Ornaments
Summary: A man (Steve Buscemi) shows off his favorite Christmas ornaments, while ditZy Sheila (Kristen Wiig) decorates the tree.

Transcript


Goodnights
Transcript






Dress Rehearsal Cuts

A Message From Newt Gingrich
Summary: Newt Gingrich (Bobby Moynihan) addresses his sudden, unexpected lead in the primary polls.

Recurring Characters: Newt Gingrich.


TVLand
Summary: Technical errors ruin the production of a TVLand presentation.


Love Cult
Summary: A hideous man (Steve Buscemi) encounters only rejection when he joins a love cult.


Sleepover
Summary: A little girl's (Bobby Moynihan) sleepover has disastrous results.


Headz Up
Summary: The text-based app that clues people to their surroundings and keeps them out of danger while their eyes are glued to their tech devices.

Note: This ad parody will eventually air on the episode hosted by Daniel Radcliffe.



SNL Transcripts