Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 37: Episode 8

11h: Steve Buscemi / The Black Keys

Coach Bert

Larry Stevens.....Jason Sudeikis
Coach Bert.....Steve Buscemi
Male Reporter.....Bobby Moynihan
District Attorney Ed Markham.....Taran Killam
Female Reporter.....Nasim Pedrad
Agent Dauz.....Kenan Thompson
Brent Harrison.....Bill Hader
Darius bogart.....Jay Pharoah

[ open on gym exterior ]

[ dissolve to press conference setting ]

Larry Stevens: Alright, now. Okay, hey -- Good afternoon. I'm Larry Stevens, and I've been Head coach here at Central University for the last 22 years. And I wish we had called you here today to talk about last night's win... and I hope we can get back to talking hoops real soon. Uh, with the recent abuse scandals -- first at Penn State, now at Syracuse -- it was imperative to me that we made sure that NOTHING like that was going on right here at our program in Central. And I don't think I'm alone in saying the FIRST person who popped into my head as a potential sexual predator was Coach Bert!

[ cut to Coach Bert, frowning, now angry ]

Coach Bert: What?!

Larry Stevens: Now... now, let's be honest -- Coach Bert has all the tall-tale signs of a sexual predator. I mean, he's anti-social, he lives with his mom, he's never had a girlfriend. I mean, he's a genius with the X's and O's, but an absolute zero when it comes to human interaction.

Coach Bert: [ offended ] What the hell, Larry?! I'm sitting right here!

Larry Stevens: Alright, alright... [ continuing ] But I am happy to say that after a FULL investigation, we have found NO evidence -- and I mean NONE! -- that Coach Bert is a pedophile.

[ the press express their doubts to one another ]

Larry Stevens: [ laughing ] Hey, I know! I was as surprised as you all! But he's not. He's not a pedophile. Alright? Now, I'm taking questions. Go ahead.

Male Reporter: Can you share the details of the investigation?

Larry Stevens: Well, for that... I'll turn it over to the District Attorney -- Ed Markham. Ed?

[ Coach Bert's eyes grow wide ]


District Attorney: Thank you. Uh -- we don't usually undertake cases where there are no witnesses, no evidence, and no allegations. But, then we saw a picture of coach Bert... and, well, we jumped into action.

Coach Bert: [ outraged ] Is it the MOUSTACHE?! Because I can SHAVE the moustache!

District Attorney: We obtained a warrant to search his computer... but found nothing to lead us to believe that he is desirous of young boys or young girls or sex of any kind. What we found instead, were eleven completed novels about a character named "Bert Man", who is very strong and... [ checking his notes ] "has a million friends."

Coach Bert: You're not supposed to read those! They're not finished!

District Attorney: They were DEFINITELY finished.

Female Reporter: So, I'm sorry -- we're supposed to be satisfied because you checked his computer?

District Attorney: No, we also set up 24-hour surveillance, and for that, I turn it over to Agent Dauz.

Agent Dauz: [ reading from his files ] "November 29th, 9 a.m.: Coach Bert wakes up and goes to the bathroom -- sitting down. He does NOT wash his hands." "November 29th, 9:09 a.m.: Coach Bert goes to kitchen and makes himself breakfast -- at NO point washing his hands."

Coach Bert: How long is this going to take?!

District Attorney: Let's wrap this up, Dauz.

Agent Dauz: We were on him for a week. He never molested anyone. And he never washed his hands. [ he attacks Coach Bert physically ] YOU DISGUSTING!!

Coach Bert: I used Curel!

Agent Dauz: LIAR!!

District Attorney: Alright. [ he pushes Agent Dauz away ]

Male Reporter: Isn't there a chance that coach Bert was "tipped off" to the investigation, and suspendedhis pedophilia for a week

District Attorney: Uh, for that, I turn it over to Brent Harrison, who is the President of the local chapter of NAMBLA, the North American Man-Boy love Association.

Brent Harrison: [ grinning ] Hello! Hello, hello, hello, hello! Let me start by saying it's great to be back in a school! Yeeess! Yes, yes, yes! I'm here today to say at no point in the past ten years have we ever been approached by Coach Bert.

Coach Bert: Of course not!!

Brent Harrison: Nor, had he approached us, would we have accepted his membership. He is, quite simply, NOT the face we want on our pedophilia organization!

[ the press applauds the statement ]

Coach Bert: [ incredulous ] You're clapping for him?! Don't clap for him!

Female Reporter: So that's it? We're just supposed to accept that Coach Bert is not a pedophile?

Larry Stevens: Well, now, guys, I know -- it was real hard for us to accept it, too. You know? That's why we set up a STING operation with a local high schooler -- Darius Bogart. Darius? [ as Darius steps up ] Hey -- way to play last Friday.

Darius Bogart: Thank you, Brother! [ to the press ] Uh -- hello. I'm Darius Bogart. And, with the help of the District Attorney's office and Coach Bert's mom --

Coach Bert: [ stunned ] My mom HELPED?!

Darius Bogart: I stopped by Coach's house and recorded this conversation:

[ the District Attorney holds up a recording device and presses Play ]

Voice of Coach Bert: Hey, Darius.

Voice of Darius Bogart: I want to thank you for helping me at basketball camp, and I just want you to know that I would do anything to thank you.

Voice of Coach Bert: Anything?

Voice of Darius Bogart: Anything.

Voice of Coach Bert: We-ell... I'd love to get your thoughts on my demos. [ he sings, as electronic keyboard music plays ] "I am the Bert Man, I have a million friends. / I am the Bert Man, let's name all my friends. / Brett Favre, is my friend. / Chewbacca, is my friend..."

[ Agent Dauz bounces his head along to the tune, as the District Attoreny turns it off ]

Darius Bogart: Look, it goes on like that for about an hour. He never >molested me, but at times... I would have preferred it if he had.

Coach Bert: Not cool, Darius!

Larry Stevens: Alright, alright, okay. Thank you, Darius. Alright, now, I hope we can, you know, start putting this behind us and start the healing process. Oh, also, uh -- you're gonna see a lot of these fliers around campus everywhere. [ he holds up a flier of Coach Bert's photo that reads: "Did This Man molest You? Yes. Maybe." ] Go ahead and ignore these. There's a lot of 'em, but just go ahead and ignore them, please.

Coach Bert: Oh, man!

Larry Stevens: Hey -- let's beat State Tuesday, okay?

[ the room applauds wildly ]

[ fade ]

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