11h: Steve Buscemi / The Black Keys
A Message from the President of the United States
President Barack Obama.....Fred Armisen
[ open on Presidential seal ]
Announcer: And now a message from the President of the United States.
[ dissolve to President Barack Obama seated at desk in Oval Office ]
President Barack Obama: Good evening! I hope you all had a safe and happy Thanksgiving, and enjoyed your shopping on Black Friday. Now, for two years I've been hearing nothing except how consumer confidence is in the toilet, then all of a sudden I see that THOUSANDS of you are at Wal-Mart pepper-spraying each other for an X-Box. Which is it?!
For the past few mnoths, I've been working hard to turn our economy around. In September, I gave a speech to a joint session of Congress urging them to pass the American Jobs Act, my comprensive plan to get people back to work. Remember that speech? [ he smirks ] Nope? In the end, that speech got me two things: Jack and Squat. Also, I recently learned that the Supreme Court will rule on the constitutionality of my Healthcare Reform bill, and it's possible they may kill it. That's right: Take my signature piece of legislation into a quiet room and shoot it in the back of the head like Joe pesci in "Goodfellas".
But I'm not angry -- I'm actually past angry, because I've learned a lot in the last couple of years. I used to think that being president meant you had a lot of power. But now I know it's more of a ceremonial position, a majestic figurehead whose main duties are shaking the hands of this year's WNBA champions, and nodding and smiling when Chinese dignitaries ask if they can touch your hair. In fact, there are a lot of myths out there about who has power in this country, and I want to clear those up -- tonight!
[ he stands before a chart ]
Now, this chart illustrates how we were taught our government worked in grade school. Remember this We have three branches: Legislative... Judicial... and mine, the Executive. All sharing power equally. But that's not how it is.
[ he removes the chart to reveal a series of slides ]
This chart shows how our country actually works today. Okay? I'll go from the most powerful institution to the least. And let me tell you -- the presidency is not even in the top five.
Okay. [ he pulls the first slide ] First: Congress. Do they do anything? NO! But, because of them, no one else can, either. They're like Hotel California. My legislation checks in, but it can never leave. And bcause of that, they're Number One.
Number Two: [ he pulls slide ] Grover Norquist, who got 276 Republicans and 3 Democrats to sign a pledge that they will NEVER raise taxes under ANY circumstances. WOW! I tried to get some Democrats to pledge to buy a box of Girl Scout cookies from my daughter Malia, and all I got was one "Maybe" from Nancy Pelosi. Come on! The Thin Mints are very refreshing. [ he smiles ]
Next: [ he pulls slide ] Oprah. I know she doesn't have a show any more, but there's still 150 million out there who, because of Oprah, have an unread Toni Morrison book on their shelves. And they proudly tell their co-workers that they believe in angels. You think I can do that? I still have to ask our driver to pull up to the White House because michelle won't get her hair wet. She's a proud Black woman, what can I do?
Four: [ he pulls slide ] NFL. Now, this may sound silly, but I promise you: If this address were to interrupt a game, tey wouldn't even carry it. Even if the Cardinals were playing the Jaguars. Come on. Tell me I'm wrong. Also: How many of you out there have a Fantasy Congress League? [ he cracks himself up ] Thanks for that joke, Joe Biden!
[ he pulls slide ] Next is Mark Zuckerberg. Now, if you're skeptical, consider this: In 2008, I had to beg to get 69 million votes. Meanwhile, 800 million of you have given this man photos of yourself drunk at a Christmas party wearing a giant Cat in the Hat hat.
Six: [ he pulls slide ] Supreme Court.
[he pulls next slide ] After that, it's a tie between George Soros and the Kock Brothers. I know they would love to be lumped together.
[ he pulls next slide ] Eight: Pixar.
[ he pulls next slide ] Nine: Tyler Perry.
Ten: [ he pulls slide ] Verizon customer service.
[ he pulls next slide ] And, finally: Me, the president. [ he pulls next slide ] Barely above Pippa Middleton... [ he pulls the last slide ] and the Kia Gerbils.
See? I may not have all the power I used to, but... I still have more than all the Republican candidates combined. And I still get to say: "Live from New York, it's Saturday Night!"