Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 9


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:







Bit Players:

Guest Writer:


December 10th, 2011

Katy Perry

Robyn

None

Darrell Hammond

Matt Damon

Val Kilmer

Alec Baldwin

None

Jorma Taccone

On The Record with Greta Van Susteren
Summary: Greta Van Susteren (Kristen Wiig) speaks with Donald Trump (Darrell Hammond), who's disappointed that only Rick Santorum (Andy Samberg) and Newt Gingrich (Bobby Moynihan) are interested in participating in a Republican debate to be moderated by him.

Recurring Characters: Greta Van Susteren, Rick Santorum, Newt Gingrich, Donald Trump.


Montage


Katy Perry's Monologue
Summary: Katy Perry admits that her weird wardrobe choices are based on people she knew growing up, like hair salon/bakery owner Janet Frankel (Kristen Wiig), ugly model Kathy-Beth Kerry (Andy Samberg), and fireworks victim Tom (Bill Hader), and they all want to kiss her.


J-Pop America Fun Time Now!
Summary: Japan-obsessed Jonathan Cavanaugh-san (Taran Killam) and Rebecca Stern-Marcowitz-san (Vanessa Bayer) chat with Hello Kitty-obsessed Kirstie Davenport (Katy Perry).

Recurring Characters: Jonathan Cavanaugh-san, Rebecca Stern-Marcowitz-san, Mark Kaufman, Jonathan's Girlfriend.


The Apocalypse
Summary: In a spoof of "Valentine's Day" and "New Year's Eve", thousands of celebrities participate in a romantic-comedy set during the Apocalypse.

Recurring Characters: Christina Aguilera, Penny Marshall, Osama bin Laden, Alan Alda, Ashton Kutcher, Cuba Gooding Jr., Philip Seymour Hoffman, Al Roker, Drew Barrymore, Kim Cattrall.


Kalle
Summary: Finland talk show host Kalle Jakkolla (Kristen Wiig) interviews Katy Perry, but flusters the pop singer with an extensive use of clips provided by her show's crack research team.

Transcript


An SNL Digital Short
Summary: Andy Samberg sings about being "Best Friends" with Katy Perry, a drug addict (Matt Damon), a brilliant lunatic (Val Kilmer), and a host of famous people from the past.

Recurring Characters: Abraham Lincoln, Marilyn Monroe, Amelia Earhart.

Transcript


Doggie Duty
Summary: Assorted musical acts perform various tracks from the soundtrack to "Doggie Duty".

Recurring Characters: Randy Newman, Gwen Stefani, Meat Loaf, Clint Eastwood.


Robyn performs "Call Your Girlfriend"


Weekend Update with Seth Meyers
Summary: Flirting expert Rebecca Larue (Kristen Wiig) sluts herself out to land a piece of Seth Meyers. Captain Steve Rogers (Alec Baldwin) makes a clumsy apology for having actor Alec Baldwin kicked off an American Airlines flight for playing a game of his cell phone earlier in the week. Stefon (Bill Hader) outlines the hottest nightclubs for families seeking the ultimate New York experience at Christmastime.

Recurring Characters: Stefon.

Transcript


Royal Pregnancy
Summary: Queen Elizabeth (Fred Armisen) and Prince Philip (Bill Hader) beleaguer Kate Middleton (Abby Elliott) for not yet being pregnant with Prince William's (Andy Samberg) child, but take a liking to the hooligan nature of her sister Pippa Middleton (Katy Perry).

Recurring Characters: Queen Elizabeth, Prince Philip, Prince William, Kate Middleton.


Politics Nation with Al Sharpton
Summary: Amateur television personality Al Sharpton (Kenan Thompson) misses all his cues while talking politics with Kelly O'Donnell (Katy Perry) and Jim VandeHei (Taran Killam).

Recurring Characters: Al Sharpton.


Robyn performs "Dancing On My Own"


Soulmates
Summary: Becky (Katy Perry) enters a piano bar in search of a soulmate and finds Mike (Bobby Moynihan), with whom she has absolutely everything in common with, and decides to marry him immediately.

Transcript


Goodnights
Transcript






Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Bein' Quirky with Zooey Deschanel
Summary: From her kitchen, Zooey Deschanel (Abby Elliott) discusses quirky behavior with BFF Mary Kate Olsen (Katy Perry), Michael Cera (Taran Killam), and Bjork (Kristen Wiig).

Recurring Characters: Michael Cera, Bjork.

Note: This sketch will later air in the episode hosted by Zooey Deschanel.


Dr. Weekend
Summary: Dr. Weekend (Jason Sudeikis) discovers that he's getting too old to do the wild things he used to do when he was younger.


Headz Up
Summary: The text-based app that clues people to their surroundings and keeps them out of danger while their eyes are glued to their tech devices.

Note: This ad parody will eventually air on the episode hosted by Daniel Radcliffe.


Verizon
Summary: Verizon accepts trade-ins on extremely old, outdated cell phones.


Half Jewish Half Italian Completely Neurotic
Summary: Tommy Palmese (Fred Armisen) alienates his audience with his personal in-your-face one-man off-off-Broadway show.

Note: This sketch will later air on the episode hosted by Jimmy Fallon.


Googie Rene's Partially Damaged Christmas Decorations
Summary: Googie Rene (Kenan Thompson) sells Christmas decorations at a discount because his inventory is damaged.

Recurring Characters: Googie Rene.



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