Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 37: Episode 9

11i: Katy Perry / Robyn


Pianist.....Jason Sudeikis
Becky.....Katy Perry
Bartender.....Abby Elliott
Guys in Crowd.....Taran Killam, Paul Brittain, Jay Pharoah
Mike.....Bobby Moynihan
Priest.....Bill Hader

[ open in elegant nightclub, as Pianist sings ]

"I've got a ring made of gold
A handsome face, so I've been told
Well, I've got enough money to last 'til I'm old
But I ain't got nothing if I ain't got love."

[ Becky enters the nightclub and steps up to the bar ]

Bartender: What do you need?

Becky: What do I need? A soulmate. But I'll settle for a Scotch.

Bartender: Coming right up. As for the other thing... just look around. Maybe he's here tonight.

[ she glances around the room, spotting a trio of men who try to get her attention but fail to impress her. She sighs at these results. ]

Bartender: Can I get you something to eat?

Becky & Mike: How about a Colby beef burger, a Diet Sprite, and two bowls of clam chowder...?

[ they express surprise at their dual response ]

[ the Bartender steps away to give them a moment ]

Mike: What's your name?

Becky: Rebeckie.

Mike: That's my mother's name.

Becky: What's yours?

Mike: Mike.

Becky: That's my mother's name.

[ pan back to the Pianist singing ]

"I got a big Cadillac
Got a fur coat on my back
I got a house so big you'll have a heart attack
But I ain't got nothing if I ain't got love."

[ dissolve back to Becky and Mike ]

Mike: First thing you need to know about me: I'm bad news. Trouble follows me everywhere.

Becky: I'll take my chances. Favorite drink? Go!

Together: Scotch on the Rocks!

Mike: Nickname in high school?

Together: "Stupid Idiot".

Becky: Favorite Ghostbuster?

Together: WINSTON!

Mike: Who's the Boss?

Together: MONA!

Mike: You cagy little prairie dog.

[ pan back to the Pianist singing ]

"I got big alligator shoes
I get ripped off of top-shelf booze
I got a backyard full of kangaroos
But I ain't got nothing if I ain't got love."

[ dissolve back to Becky and Mike ]

Becky: What do you do?

Mike: I'm an English professor, specializing in the poetry of Jewel. You remember that singer? Jewel?

Becky: I-I think so. Does she look like this: [ she tugs her dress down to reveal Jewel tattooed over her right breast ]

Mike: And you?

Becky: I'm a psychiatrist, specializing in Ostroconophobia. The fear of shrimp.

Mike: I think I know it. Is it spelled like this: [ he pulls his shirt apart to reveal a tattoo of the word "Ostroconophobia" and a shrimp with a red line over it across his belly ]

[ pan back to the Pianist singing ]

"I eat filet mignon
I played Hoops and beat Lebron
Well, instead of a pillow, you know I sleep on a swan
But I ain't got nothing if I ain't got love."

[ dissolve back to Becky and Mike, arms wrapped around one another while dancing ]

Mike: I told you -- I'm bad news.

Becky: And I told you, I don't care.

Mike: Well, then, I've got a question for you.

Becky: And I've got an answer for you.

Mike: You want to know my question? Just look in your glass.

[ she reaches into your glass and pulls out oan engagement ring ]

Becky: You want to know my answer? Look in your mouth!

[ he unfurls a note in his mouth that reads: "YES!" ]

Becky: How long before we get married?

Mike: Well, how long will it take you to turn around?

[ a Priest rises from behind the bar ]

Priest: Dearly beloved... we are gathered here today...

[ pan back to the Pianist singing ]

I got a flatscreen TV
A lot of models falling for me
I even got to sit down when I pee!
But I ain't got nothing if I ain't got love."

[ Becky and Mike stroll past ]

Becky: This was... the BEST night of my life!

Mike: It doesn't have to end yet. As a matter of fact, I think we can make it last forever.

[ they kiss, as the elevator dings ]

[ the doors open to reveal an empty shaft, and Becky steps right into it without looking and screams ]


[ she lands with a splat ]

[ the music picks up, so Mike shakes it off and ambles over to the piano ]

Pianist: Well, you told her you were bad news.

Mike: I did. But I never told her that I loved her. Also, someone should take a look at that elevator.

Pianist: "But I ain't got nothing if I ain't! Got! Looooooove!"

[ fade ]

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