Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 37: Episode 11

11k: Charles Barkley / Kelly Clarkson

Mayan Calendar

Chief #1.....Fred Armisen
Chief #2.....Bll Hader
Teklameck.....Charles Barkley
Chief #3.....Bobby Moynihan
Chief #4.....Andy Samberg
Kukuya.....Kenan Thompson
Voice of Mayan Calendar.....Paul Brittain

[ open on stock photo of Mayan temples ]

Announcer: [ over SUPER ] "In the fifth century BC, the ancient people of Mesoamerica created the most accurate and sophisticated system for measuring time that the world had ever seen."

"This is the story of the Mayan calendar."

[ dissolve to ancient Mayans at the Council of the Chiefs ]

Chief #1: Thank you, everyone, for having us at the Council of the Chiefs.

Chief #2: We believe our new invention will change lives for ALL Mayans.

Chief #1: We call it... the Mayan Calendar. [ he unveils the round chiseled rock ]

Teklameck: What the hell is a "calendar"?!

Chief #1: Good question. A calendar is a way to measure time. It marks years... it marks months... it marks days.

Teklameck: When's my birthday?!

Chief #1: Your birthday? I don't know, uh... what time of year were you born?

Teklameck: At the end of the rainy season!

Chief #1: Okay, then... it's somewhere... [ he moves his hand around the rock and stops ] here.

Teklameck: Where's today?

Chief #1: [ pointing toward the bottom of the rock ] We're right here.

Teklameck: Well... y'all missed my birthday. Y'all owe me a bunch of presents.

Chief #3: [ laughing ] Yeah! We do owe you some presents!

Teklameck: You know what I want?

Chief #1: What?

Teklameck: A little loincloth. [ BOM laughs ] This one rises up in the front.

Chief #4: [ laughing ] Yeah! We noticed!

Chief #1: Hey, come on, guys! Can we get back to the calendar? I want to describe it.

Chief #3: Yeah, I'm sorry. I guess I have a question, too.

Chief #4: Yeah, me, too! Me, too!

Chief #1: Guys, we can't do everybody's birthdays! We HAVE to move on! [ BOM and ANS lower their hands ] Okay, thank you. Now, uh, with this system, uh, we can assure that people will NEVER be late anywhere. They will always be on time.

Chief #3: [ pointing to CB ] I got a feeling some people still might be late! [ he laughs ]

Teklameck: Hey, watch it! Actually... he's right. I'll still be late!

Chief #3: Yeah!

[ they all laugh ]

Chief #1: Come on! Guys! Please! Focus, okay? Let me show you how it works. It's very simple. [ he puts on reading glasses ] There are, uh, 20-day weeks rotating through 8 solar sequences, with very easy-to-remember names like Muluk... Ajaw... Chuwen!

Teklameck: No offense -- this is confusing.

Chief #1: I'm sorry. Do you think you could do better?

Teklameck: How about this? What if we just did it like this: 12 months in a year... 7 days in a week, that we call things like "Monday", "Tuesday", "Wednesday". Mayve slap a couple of rest days at the week's end.

Chief #1: Okay, rest days at the week's end -- what would we even call that?

Teklameck: Man, I don't know! How about... "The weekend"?! This is YOUR job!

[ Chief #3 and Chief #4 express their satisfaction with the weekend concept ]

Chief #2: That's a lot of changes...

Chief #1: Yeah, we put a lot of work into this, Teklameck!

Teklameck: Yeah, but we can still improve it. It's not like it's set in STONE!

Chief #1: Nooo... it is. It is set in stone. We carved it in!

Kukuya: [ enters, clearing his throat and holding up carving tools ] Uh -- we?

Chief #1: I'm sorry! Kukuya carved it! You get what I meant!

Kukuya: Oh, I get it alright! [ he steps away ]

Chief #1: He's mad.

Chief #2: He is mad.

Teklameck: [ sighs ] Alright, how about this: We need a calendar that teaches you a new word for every day. It would be educational, and it would be FUN!

Chief #2: We're not changing it.

Chief #3: Yeah! I-I-I certainly wouldn't say no to seeing a different little cat every day.

Chief #4: Oh! You know what calendar is really cool? The Aztec calendar!

Chief #1: Oh, come on, man! We're right here!

Chief #2: Not cool!

Teklameck: Let me ask you a question: Does this thing go on forever?

Chief #1: No, no. The, uh, Maya calendar ends in 2012.

Chief #3: [ confused ] But... then you make a new one?

Chief #1: No. Because the... world will end in 2012.

Chief #2: Streets will run with BLOOD. Land will be swallowed by the SEA!

Teklameck: Man, you just ran out of space and STOPPED, didn't you?!

Chief #1: NO! That is NOT the case!

Teklameck: That's a LIE!!

Chief #1: Okay, yes... you got us. We ran out of space...

Chief #2: It's not our fault. This guy didn't carve a big enough circle...

Kukuya: [ outraged ] WHAT?!! I went off of YOUR drawing! Y-y-you know what?! [ he throws his tools down ] I'M OUT!! CARVE YOUR OWN ROCKS!!

Chief #2: He's mad... he's really mad...

Chief #3: Wait! Aren't you worried that people in the future are actually gonna be afraid that the world will end?

Chief #1: I can't worry about people in the future! Okay? I have my girlfriend, I have my job...

Chief #4: Oh, look -- the sun's going down.

Chief #3: Oh! We gotta go sacrifice a virgin!

Teklameck: Who's up today?

Chief #4: Metzel.

Teklameck: Metzel? Well, they can go and sacrifice Metzel... but Metzel ain't no virgin!

[ they all high-five one another and laugh ]

Chief #1: Alright, we gotta see that. Meeting's over, let's get out there!

[ they all run off, as the camera zooms in on the face at the center of the Mayan calendar ]

Mayan Calendar: [ sighs ] Oh, well... there they go. I get that I'm a complicated calendar, but you know what? We all are. I mean, think about it, right? Anyway... Happy Birthday, everybody. Now get out of here!

[ fade ]

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