Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 12


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


January 14th, 2012

Daniel Radcliffe

Lana Del Rey

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Romney: Believe in America
Summary: Mitt Romney (Jason Sudeikis) brings his campaign to the people of South Carolina, and tries to relate in a normal manner to some of them while dining at Jim Bob's Kitchen.

Recurring Characters: Mitt Romney.

Transcript


Montage


Daniel Radcliffe's Monologue
Summary: Daniel Radcliffe admits to the audience that he'd rather not do the expected "Harry Potter" sketch, considering the many parodies "SNL" has already done over the years.

Transcript


Ricky Gervais Promos
Summary: After his controversial hosting of last year's Golden Globes, Ricky Gervais (Jason Sudeikis) is back to host again, and will also be pushing the envelope as host of Nick's Kids Choice Awards, the BET Awards, and many others.

Recurring Characters: Ricky Gervais.


Target Lady
Summary: Despite being harassed by the manager (Bill Hader), stock boy (Daniel Radcliffe) tries to buff himself up so the Target Lady (Kristen Wiig) will take notice of his romantic intentions.

Recurring Characters: Target Lady.


You Can Do Anything!
Summary: No-talent hacks who have posted their videos online are invited to perform their half-assed schtick on television.

Transcript


Spin The Bottle
Summary: Dave's (Daniel Radcliffe) trepidations about playing Spin The Bottle are confirmed when his spins keep landing on a series of homeless hoboes (Bobby Moynihan, Fred Armisen, Kenan Thompson, Bill Hader, Jay Pharoah).


Delaware Fellas
Summary: The new musical may be a lame, low-cost rip-off of "Jersey Boys", but it has the full approval of Vice-President Joe Biden (Jason Sudeikis).

Recurring Characters: Joe Biden.


Hogwarts Academy
Summary: Ten years after graduating, boy-wizard Harry Potter (Daniel Radcliffe) remains at Hogwart's as a hanger-on still reliving his past glories.

Recurring Characters: Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, Hermione Granger.

Transcript


Lana Del Rey performs "Video Games"


Weekend Update with Seth Meyers
Summary: Kim Jong Un's Two Best Friends From Growing Up (Vanessa Bayer, Fred Armisen) gush about him while quietly distancing themselves from his behavioral quirks. Casey Anthony's newly-adopted Yorkshire Terrior (Daniel Radcliffe) comments on his misfortune to now be living with the murderous mom.


X27B Theater
Summary: In 2112, a theater group performs a play about how life was lived one hundred years earlier, aptly demonstrating how comically life has changed during that time.


Glenda Okones for Mayor
Summary: Frowny-faced Glen Falls mayoral candidate Glenda Okones (Kristen Wiig) runs an attack ad on herself.

Transcript


Glenda Okones for Mayor II
Summary: Frowny-faced Glen Falls mayoral candidate Glenda Okones (Kristen Wiig) lists further flaws in a personalized attack ad on herself.

Transcript


The Jay Pharoah Show
Summary: Jay Pharoah interviews Daniel Radcliffe, despite being ignorant about the "Harry Potter" films and only able to perform his usual celebrity impressions.

Transcript


Glenda Okones for Mayor III
Summary: Frowny-faced Glen Falls mayoral candidate Glenda Okones (Kristen Wiig) lists yet another character flaw during a flagrant attack ad on herself.

Transcript


Lana Del Rey performs "Blue Jeans"


Exit Polling
Summary: In New Hampshire, an overeager pollster (Kristen Wiig) propositions primary voter (Daniel Radcliffe) after he casts his ballot.

Transcript


Headz Up
Summary: The text-based app that clues people to their surroundings and keeps them out of danger while their eyes are glued to their tech devices.

Note: This ad parody has been cut from several dress rehearsals throughout the season.


Goodnights
Transcript



Barnes&Noble.com



Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Maternity Ward
Summary: Jay-Z (Jay Pharoah) visits the maternity ward after Beyonce gives birth to their child.


Verizon


Cruise
Summary: While on their anniversary cruise, a married couple (Jason Sudeikis, Kristen Wiig) focus only on one another, despite attempts by their kids (Danielle Radcliffe, Vanessa Bayer) to alert them about Grandma's (Nasim Pedrad) failing health.



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