Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 37: Episode 12

11l: Daniel Radcliffe / Lana Del Rey

You Can Do Anything!

Kristina Nichols.....Vanessa Bayer
Roger Knight.....Bill Hader
Liam Terry.....Taran Killam
Taylor Dawn.....Jason Sudeikis
Brad Lewis.....Daniel Radcliffe

Kristina Nichols: Hi, Iím Kristina Nichols. Iím a photo blogger.

Roger Knight: Iím Roger Knight, an independant filmmaker.

Kristina Nichols: And welcome to ďYou Can Do Anything!Ē, the only show that celebrates the incredibly high self-esteem of the YouTube generation.

Roger Knight: Because now, thanks to technology and everyone being huge pussies about everything, it doesnít matter if you have skills or training or user experience, you can do it.

Kristina Nichols: You can do anything!

Roger Knight: So letís welcome our first guest: Liam Terry!

[ Liam Terry enters ]

Liam Terry: Hi everyone, Iím Liam Terry from

Kristina Nichols: Youíre so self-promotional, and everyone enjoys that!

Roger Knight: Tell us, what will you be doing today?

Liam Terry: Iíll be juggling ten bowling pins!

Roger Knight: So youíre a juggler?

Liam Terry: No.

Kristina Nichols: But you have juggled before?

Liam Terry: Never.

Roger Knight & Kristina Nichols: Then you can do it!

[ he throws the ten pins in the air, and they come crashing down on him ]

Liam Terry: [ proudly ] I juggled!

Roger Knight: You sure did. Now when people ask if youíre a juggler, you can say yes!

Liam Terry: Because I have no shame or self-awareness.

Kristina Nichols: Okay, letís meet our next guest. Liam, you can leave or stay, whichever youíd like.

Liam Terry: Iíll stay, because Iím full of unearned confidence.

Roger Knight: Thatís great. Letís welcome our next guest: Taylor Dawn. [ Taylor Dawn enters ] Taylor! Great. Tell us about yourself.

Taylor Dawn: Well, Iím what you would call Twitter famous.

Roger Knight: Meaning?

Taylor Dawn: Not famous.

Kristina Nichols: And I assume your self-esteem reflects that?

Taylor Dawn: No, no, on the contrary, my self-esteem is through the roof, because no one has never been honest with me about how mediocre I am.

Roger Knight: And what if someone were to be honest with you?

Taylor Dawn: I would immediately cry.

Kristina Nichols: And thatís accepted now. So, what will you be doing today?

Taylor Dawn: Iíll be performing a song I wrote based upon a poem I wrote.

Kristina Nichols: Oh good, the world needs more singer-songwriters and fewer doctors and engineers.

Roger Knight & Kristina Nichols: And you can do anything!

Taylor Dawn: [ singing ] ďA blue bird on a red wood / A green apple on a yellow taxi / An orange orange on a blue bird / Black and white are the same color.Ē Iíve never been punched!

Roger Knight: Out of curiosity, how is your relationship with your parents?

Taylor Dawn: Oh itís great, theyíre my two best friends and they, you know, they always tell me Iím great I am at everything.

Kristina Nichols: Is that why you're so sucky and you donít realize it?

Taylor Dawn: Probably, yeah...

Roger Knight: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah... [ they laugh ] Letís welcome our final guest: Brad Lewis.

[ Brad Lewis enters ]

Brad Lewis: Thanks.

Roger Knight: Brad, backstage you were confused and upset because our producer didnít know who you were?

Brad Lewis: Oh, correct, you see I posted a video of myself online and one thousand people have watched it, therefore I assume everyone knows my name and admires my work.

Kristina Nichols: Itís almost as though you consider yourself a star even though youíre shockingly unfamous.

Brad Lewis: And untalented.

Roger Knight: Correct. Correct. If you think you're talented, then you are.

Brad Lewis: Well, it's like Albert Einstein said: "Genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent getting your name out there!"

Roger Knight: What will you be doing today, Brad?

Brad Lewis: Iíll be combining my two lifeís passions: Irish dancing and Chinese calliography.

Kristina Nichols: Which I believe was your double major in college?

Brad Lewis: No, I majored in poetry and clowning, it cost my parents about 400... uh, about $45,000 a year.

Roger Knight & Kristina Nichols: See? You can do anything!

Brad Lewis: Hit it!

[ he begins to Irish dance as he draws random lines on an easel ]

Brad Lewis: I went to a schol with no grades!

Roger Knight: Great work, Brad. Great, great, great work, Brad.

Brad Lewis: I tried and therefore no one should criticize me.

Roger Knight: Letís take a break.

Kristina Nichols: When we return, Iíll give out the award for the best guest to all of our guests on...

Roger Knight & Kristina Nichols: ďYou Can Do Anything!Ē

Submitted by: Jacques

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