Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 37: Episode 12

11l: Daniel Radcliffe / Lana Del Rey

Exit Polling

Pollster.....Kristen Wiig
Voter.....Daniel Radcliffe

[ open on exterior, polling precinct ]

[ SUPER: "Concord, New Hampshire" ]

Pollster: [ as voters leave ] Thank you so much. [ a new voter walks up ] Oh, hi there! Hi! Do you mind if I ask you some exit poll questions?

Voter: Uh... no. No, that's fine.

Pollster: Great! Thank you. Um... who did you vote for?

Voter: I voted for Mitt Romney.

Pollster: Annnnd who did you vote for in 2008?

Voter: John McCain.

Pollster: Okay. You're doing great, by the way! [ she laughs ] Uh... do you consider yourself a moderate Republican, a conservative Republican, a Tea Partier, a crazy Whackadoodle, or a Democrat voting sarcastically?

Voter: Uh... I guess, a moderate Republican.

Pollster: Great. Uh, when you voted, were you like, "I love this guy!" or were you like, "He'll do," or like, "I don't know who ANY of these people are!"?

Voter: Uhhhh, I guess... "He'll do."

Pollster: Okay...

Voter: Uh... am I done?

Pollster: No. [ she writes his response down ] "He'll... do..."

Voter: Am I done now?

Pollster: Okay, sorry. Um... Are you male or female? I'm sorry -- it's on here, I have to ask.

Voter: Male.

Pollster: [ she glances at him ] Oh. [ she laughs ] I'm glad I asked! Okay... Which best describes your ethnicity? Are you White? [ with a hip-hop accent ] Are you Black? [ bouncing her head ] Hee-spanic? [ high-pitched ] Asian? [ mechanically ] Or are you a Robot?

Voter: Uh... uh... White.

Pollster: Okay. And to what age group do you belong: 18 to 24 --

Voter: Yes.

Pollster: Sorry, I have to read them all. [ she laughs ] Uhhh... 18 to 24...? [ she stares at him for a moment ]

Voter: Yes.

Pollster: I'm sorry. I have to read them all. "18 to 24... [ she stares at him for another moment ] or 25 to 150."

Voter: 18 to 24.

Pollster: Okay. Single or married?

Voter: Single.

Pollster: Oh! Great. Uh... gay or straight?

Voter: Uh, straight.

Pollster: Okay. Uh, Jewish?

Voter: Yes.

Pollster: You're perfect! Would you ever consider going out with my friend Diane Finkelstein?

Voter: No.

Pollster: You know what? It's probably for the best. Because you're on the smaller side, and she's so fat.

Voter: Are we done?

Pollster: Um, almost... almost. Oh, this is a good one: "You walk in your bedroom and turn on the lights -- standing buck-naked in the middle of the room is Ron Paul, Rick Santorum, or Newt Gingrich. Which one of these options bums you out the most?

Voter: Wow. Uh... that's tough... Ron Paul. No! Newt Gingrich. No... Ron Paul.

Pollster: Remember -- buck-naked.

Voter: [ he sighs ] No... Newt Gingrich.

Pollster: [ whispering ] You got that one right! [ continuing ] Uh... can you sleep on planes?

Voter: Yes!

Pollster: I can't! [ continuing ] Do you like my new laugh? [ she laughs heartily ]

Voter: Uhhh... yeah. It's fine.

Pollster: 'Cause this is my old laugh: [ she laughs with a choked stifle ]

Voter: Uhhh... the new one. That is better.

Pollster: Um... Thanks! Okay. Uh... do you think I could pull off bangs?

Voter: Uh... I don't know. What would that look like?

Pollster: I'll hold this up. [ she puts her clipboard atop her to create the illusion of bangs ]

Voter: Uhhhh... Yeah. Sure.

Pollster: What about over one eye? [ she tilts her clipboard ]

Voter: Uhhh... sure.

Pollster: [ she moves the clipboard back ] Do you have a preference as to which?

Voter: Uhhhh... I-I-I don't really have a preference...

Pollster: [ whining ] Ple-e-e-e-e-ease!!

Voter: Uh -- bangs! Bangs!

Pollster: Ohhhkay... he knows what he wants! You would be PERFECT for Diane.

Voter: Uh -- no!

Pollster: Yeah. Again, probably for the best. She's so fat. She's so fat.

Voter: No! This is no lnoger about politics!

Pollster: Okay, um -- that's okay. Um -- Which candidate quality matters most to how you voted: Has a vision for the future? Honest and trustworthy? Stands up for what he believes in?

Voter: Uh... a vision for the future.

Pollster: Alright, uh, follow-up: What do you consider the most likely vision for the future: Monkeys still in cages? Monkeys in charge? Or no more monkeys?

Voter: Uh... monkeys in cages?

Pollster: Oky. A follow-up to the follow-up: "Have you seen the new "Planet of the Apes"?

Voter: I have not.

Pollster: Okay. Follow-up, follow-up, follow-up: "Would you be into this: I bring the "Planet of the Apes" DVD to your house... you open a bottle of wine... we forget about Fat Diane, and see what happens?"

Voter: No! Absolutely not!

Pollster: Perfect. Final question: "WHERE DO YOU GET OFF?!!"

Voter: Goodbye! [ he rushes off ]

Pollster: I'm switching you to GAY!! ROBOT!!

[ fade ]

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