Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 37: Episode 12

11l: Daniel Radcliffe / Lana Del Rey

Romney: Believe in America

Mitt Romney.....Jason Sudeikis
Becky.....Abby Elliott


Mitt Romney (V/O): Iím Mitt Romney and I approved this message


[ Former Massachusetts Governor MITT ROMNEY, in a Carhart jacket and unbuttoned shirt, is seated at a table. ]

Mitt Romney: HelloÖ hello, Iím Mitt Romney and Iím speaking to you today from Jim Bobís Diner; a really fantastic diner outside Aiken, South Carolina. As Iíve said, itís a really fantastic place. It really is. I enjoy it very much. Itís super.

Iím down here to bring my Presidential campaign down to the people here of this great state. They definitely connect with me on a human level and donít find me weird at all. Say, did everyone see that Broncos-Steelers game last Sunday? Wasnít that something?

And how about that Tim Tebow? He was slinging the pigskin down the field. You know, Iíll bet you dollars to donuts the Broncos give my beloved Patriots a run for their money on the gridiron tomorrow. Iíll be watching that game along with my five human sons and my expectation is that I will enjoy it very, very much!

[ Governor Romney glances off-camera. ]

Whatís that?

[ A beat ]

Itís being played tonight?

[ A beat ]

Thatís wonderful news! The fact is our whole family loves to watch sporting events on the television on the weekend. So normal are we! It sure beats doing chores at home. Thatís for sure! Of course, Iím kiddingÖ we got people for that.

A few days ago, we had another great result in New Hampshire. Of course, we enjoyed that very much as well. Unfortunately, that victory was clouded by a bit of a kerfuffle of a remark I made the day before. I was speaking to a crowd about the importance of being able to choose YOUR own insurance company and simply put, when the service provider isnít doing the job, you have to make a change -- adding, you ought to fire people.

I think the audience understood what I was saying. Itís like when youíre raking leaves out in the yard and your t-shirt is a little clammy. You go inside and FIRE IT. Replacing with a dry t-shirt or no t-shirt at all. Itís like thatÖ

Of course, my opponents immediately pounced on that remark and tried to relate it to my work at Bain Capital. At Bain, we specialized in acquiring failing companies. Sometimes, this did involve individuals being ďfiredĒ. That is, in the sense, losing their jobs. That is the exception, not the rule.

[ A young, teenage waitress, BECKY, enters. ]

Becky: Hi!

Mitt Romney: Oh, hello there! Iím Mitt Romney!

Becky: Iím Becky.

Mitt Romney: Becky -- Iím really enjoying MEETING YOU! How old are you? No, wait! Let me guessÖ 31.

Becky: Iím 19.

Mitt Romney: Close enough!

Becky: What can I get you?

Mitt Romney: Iíd like two eggs!

Becky: How do you want them?

Mitt Romney: Laid off!

Becky: Laid off?

Mitt Romney: Yeah, you know, laid off.

Becky: You mean, over easy?

Mitt Romney: Bingo! Say, what does that come with?

Becky: Bacon.

Mitt Romney: No, bacon. Letís throw the bacon ďout-of-work.Ē Can I replace it with sausage?

Becky: Sure.

Mitt Romney: Okay. Can I replace the bacon with sausage but pay half the price for the sausage I wouldíve paid for the bacon?

Becky: Itís the same amount.

Mitt Romney: Thought Iíd askÖ

Becky: It also comes with toast.

Mitt Romney: I donít care for toast. Iíd like to see the toast lose its job -- without notice, if possible. Can I have an English muffin instead?

Becky: Okay.

Mitt Romney: Good. Can the English muffin be hired on a temporary basis? Meaning that if Iím not hungry enough to eat it, I donít have to pay.

Becky: Sure. Coffee?

Mitt Romney: No. No, coffee. Iíd like orange juice. Is it freshly strangled?

Becky: You mean, fresh squeezed?

Mitt Romney: Yes, fresh squeezedÖ as you call itÖ

Becky: Anything else?

Mitt Romney: IíM. FINE. BECKY.

[ Becky departs. ]

Mitt Romney: Sheís a nice girl. Iíd like to be able to fire her. Well, I think youíve enjoyed this time weíve spent together and I think youíll agree that Iíve come across as genuine and warm.

Thank you, and "Live from New York, it's Saturday Night!"

Submitted by: Cody Downs

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