Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 13


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


February 4th, 2012

Channing Tatum

Bon Iver

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Newt Gingrich: Moon President
Summary: In the year 2014, Newt Gingrich (Bobby Moynihan) leads a colony on the moon after President Barack Obama's second term in office leads to the destruction of the planet Earth.

Recurring Characters: Newt Gingrich, Herman Cain, Mitt Romney.

Transcript


Montage


Channing Tatum's Monologue
Summary: Former male stripper Channing Tatum recognizes various former customers in the audience and tries to reconnect with them, despite their embarrassment at being recognized.

Transcript


It's Getting Freaky with Cee Lo Green!
Summary: Cee Lo Green (Kenan Thompson), Matthew McConaughey (Channing Tatum) and Col. Nasty (Bill Hader) help a couple (Nasim Pedrad, Vanessa Bayer) put the freaky back into their lesbian relationship.

Recurring Characters: Cee Lo Green, Colonel Nasty, The Atlanta Horns, Matthew McConaughey.


Downton Abbey
Summary: The acclaimed PBS series is mashed-up as a moronic reality series now airing on Spike.

Transcript


Super Bowl Promo
Summary: Al Michaels (Jason Sudeikis), Cris Collinsworth (Bill Hader), Dan Patrick (Channing Tatum), Tony Dungy (Jay Pharoah), and Rodney Harrison (Kenan Thompson) perform multiple takes of their Super Bowl promo so they can avoid looking stiff.

Recurring Characters: Dan Patrick, Cris Collinsworth, Al Michaels.

Transcript


Secret Word
Summary: Mindy Grayson (Kristen Wiig) once again reveals word clues while acting overtheatrical, while astronaut (Channing Tatum) suffers flashbacks of alien anal probing during game play.

Recurring Characters: Lyle Round, Mindy Grayson.


Bon Iver performs "Holocene"


Weekend Update with Seth Meyers
Summary: Guy Fieri (Bobby Moynihan) displays weird snack ideas related to the Super Bowl match between the Giants and the Patriots. Lana Del Ray (Kristen Wiig) playfully defends herself from the recent backlash of her poorly-received "SNL" musical stint.

Recurring Characters: Guy Fieri.


Bat Mitzvah
Summary: To celebrate her Bat Mitzvah, Rebecca (Nasim Pedrad) performs a raunchy dance with adult friend Caden (Channing Tatum) that was not fully-choreographed by her Mom (Kristen Wiig).


Ruby Tuesday
Summary: The night before the Super Bowl, Tom Brady (Channing Tatum) succumbs to boisterous Janet Peckinpah's (Bobby Moynihan) repeated requests to throw one in her while at a Ruby Tuesday in Indianapolis, and it ends up costing him the big game.


Go-Techs Flex
Summary: (Channing Tatum) and (Kristen Wiig) make a non-specific pitch for a Rube Goldbergesque exercise device that most likely won't live up to their overexaggerated hype.


Bon Iver performs "Beth/Rest"


Bongo's Clown Room
Summary: MC Tommy (Jason Sudeikis) deejays a bachlorette party on his new final night at Bongo's, since he'll soon be going on the lam from the IRS.

Recurring Characters: MC Tommy.


Goodnights
Transcript



Barnes&Noble.com



Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Verizon
Summary: An older man (Fred Armisen) wants to buy a cell phone, but he can't comprehend the numerous weirdly-named options being pushed on him by the youthful salesman (Bill Hader).

Note: This ad parody will later air on the episode hosted by Zooey Deschanel.


Union Awards
Summary: Members of a Teamsters' Union are honored during an awards ceremony.


UFC Fight
Summary: The competition between two UFG fighters (Taran Killam, Channing Tatum) is continuously interrupted by a rude guy *Andy Samberg) in the audience.


Business Meeting
Summary: While holding a business meeting, an employee (Channing Tatum) uses Macarena dance moves to get his ideas across.


Step Up to the Sequels
Summary: A slew of upcoming sequels to the "Step Up" film franchise.

Recurring Characters: Meryl Streep.


70's Album
Summary: A weird guy (Jason Sudeikis) pokes around the fire after reminiscing about 70's music.

Note: This ad parody will later air on the episode hosted by Lindsay Lohan.


70's Album II
Summary: A weird guy (Jason Sudeikis) burns his hand in the fire after reminiscing about 70's music.

Note: This ad parody will later air on the episode hosted by Lindsay Lohan.


70's Album III
Summary: After burning his hand in the fire, a weird guy (Jason Sudeikis) is no longer in the mood to have company over.


Photo Shoot
Summary: Two gay men (Channing Tatum, Taran Killam) experience misunderstandings and argue during their photo shoot.



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