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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 13


















11m: Channing Tatum / Bon Iver

Channing Tatum's Monologue

.....Channing Tatum
Big Ronnie.....Kenan Thompson
Denise.....Kristen Wiig
Bridget.....Vanessa Bayer
Husband.....Taran Killam
Lesley.....Fred Armisen
Doctor.....Andy Samberg

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen -- Channing Tatum!

Channing Tatum: Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you! It is great to be here hosting "Saturday Night Live"! I still can't believe that I am here. It is such an honor to be on this stage, especially considering my first job in show business was as a male stripper. [ the female audience members shriek ] That may sound like a joke, but... it's true: I really was a stripper for a year before I became an actor.

So, real quick... the ground rules for tonight ARE:

1. No touching. I can touch you; you can't touch me. [ the female audience members whoo ]

2. Tips are appreciated. The only reason I'm hosting this show is to put myself through nursing school.

3. For my safety, Big Ronnie here will be with me all night long.

[ Big Ronnie steps out and gives the stinkeye toward the audience ]

Big Ronnie: You okay, Channing?

Channing Tatum: I'm alright, Ronnie. Thank you very much.

Big Ronnie: Alright. [ pointing toward the audience ] I'm watching you! [ he steps away ]

Channing Tatum: But you know what? Look -- I'm not ashamed of my past. I loved stripping. I loved my customers. [ women in the audience whoo some more, as he looks toward them ] Wait... in fact... Denise?! Is that you?!

[ cut to Denise, who frowns at the recognition ]

Denise: [ laughing ] Wha-a-a-at? No!

Channing Tatum: Denise, come on! It's ME! Chan! I used to give you a lap dance, like, once a week.

Denise: [ chuckling embarrassedly ] No! I think you have me confused with someone else! I don't go to strip clubs. I sit home and I pray.

Channing Tatum: Hmm... well, I guess I was wrong. Anyways... this has been such an exciting -- [ he glances into the audience again ] Okay! Okay, now definitely -- I know YOU! Bridget!

[ cut to an embarrassed Bridget sitting with her husband ]

Bridget: Uh... uh, no! No, you don't! Uh -- I mean, my name is Bridget, but I'm... I'm just a stranger, and I'm here with my husband! [ she signals Tatum to let it go, as her husband waves ]

Channing Tatum: Nope! It's YOU! It's definitely you. We used to call you "Filthy Bridget" because of all the filthy things you'd ask for...

Husband: [ irked ] Excuse me, sir! My wife is not filthy! [ proudly ] I'll have you know we haven't had sex in TEN years!

[ Bridget secretly winks at Tatum ]

Channing Tatum: My mistake. Uh... wait! Oh, my God... Is that Lesley? Lesley Burns?!

[ cut to Lesley, a man, wide-eyed and confused ]

Lesley: What's that? I'm sorry?

Channing Tatum: Lesley! Thank you so much for coming, man! [ to the audience ] Guys! Guys! Lesley was my absolute BEST customer! I mean, he came in every night, and most days...

Lesley: [ shaking his head ] No. That's not me.

Channing Tatum: Oh... come on. What, are you telling me you don't remember this?

[ the band pulls out something nice and slow, as Tatum begins to do a slow grind on stage ]

Lesley: [ uncomfortable ] No, uh... no, it doesn't ring a bell...

Channing Tatum: No? What about this?

[ Tatum turns to one side and lets his butt and abs shake in rhythm with each other ]

Lesley: [ wiping the sweat from his forehead and cheeks ] Not sure yet, but, uh... you should keep trying.

Channing Tatum: Oh, yeah? Well... what about this? [ he shimmies, then rips his shirt off ] What about NOW, Lesley?! What about now?

[ cut to Lesley passed out in his seat as a doctor examines him ]

Doctor: This man is dead! He died happy.

Channing Tatum: Dr. Matthews?

Doctor: Uhhhhh... no! [ he makes a gagging sound and pulls himself away by his own collar ]

Channing Tatum: We have a great show for you tonight! Bon Iver is here! So stick around, we'll be right back!


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