Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 14


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:



Bit Players:


February 11th, 2012

Zooey Deschanel

Karmin

None

Jean Dujardin

Nicolas Cage

None

Romney: Believe in America
Summary: From his home, Mitt Romney (Jason Sudeikis) discusses his recent dip in the primaries and how it's all part of his plan to secure the Republican nomination for President by not peaking too soon.

Recurring Characters: Mitt Romney.

Transcript


Montage


Zooey Deschanel's Monologue
Summary: Dressed for romance, Zooey Deschanel brings out her ukelele and sings "You Forgot it Was Valentine's Day".

Transcript


Clint Eastwood Chrysler Ad
Summary: Clint Eastwood (Bill Hader) is sidetracked from promoting Chrylser to clear up the media's confusion as to the real intent of his message.

Recurring Characters: Clint Eastwood.

Transcript


Piers Morgan Tonight
Summary: Piers Morgan (Taran Killam) leads a discussion on MIA's (Nasim Pedrad) controversial middle-finger salute while performing at the Super Bowl with Madonna (Kristen Wiig) and LMFAO (Jason Sudeikis, Fred Armisen).

Recurring Characters: Madonna.


Clint Eastwood Chrysler Ad II
Summary: Clint Eastwood (Bill Hader) chastises America for not being as hard-working as China, then promotes Little Caesars Pizza.

Recurring Characters: Clint Eastwood.

Transcript


Les Jeunes de Paris
Summary: Francois (Taran Killam) competes with (Jean Dujardin) for (Zooey Deschanel) in a black-and-white spoof of "The Artist".

Recurring Characters: Francois.


Daily Post
Summary: Rapid-fire dialogue of newspaper editor (Jason Sudeikis) and former reporter (Kristen Wiig) flies over the normal-paced head of the new girl in the office (Zooey Deschanel).

Transcript


Clint Eastwood Chrysler Ad III
Summary: Clint Eastwood (Bill Hader) is annoyed that Mexico is taking over America, then promotes the new Trojan vibrating massager and "The Dark Knight Rises".

Recurring Characters: Clint Eastwood.

Transcript


Karmin performs "Brokenhearted"


Weekend Update with Seth Meyers
Summary: Arianna Huffington (Nasim Pedrad) comments on recent women's events in the news. "In the Cage", Nicolas Cage (Andy Samberg) has created a clone (Nicolas Cage) of himself to help him realize his dream of appearing in every movie ever made.

Recurring Characters: Arianna Huffington, Nicolas Cage.

Transcript


Bein' Quirky with Zooey Deschanel
Summary: From her kitchen, Zooey Deschanel (Abby Elliott) discusses quirky behavior with BFF Mary Kate Olsen (Zooey Deschanel), Michael Cera (Taran Killam), and Bjork (Kristen Wiig).

Recurring Characters: Michael Cera, Bjork.

Note: This sketch previously aired during the Dress Rehearsal from the episode hosted by Katy Perry.

Transcript


Verizon
Summary: An older man (Fred Armisen) wants to buy a cell phone, but he can't comprehend the numerous weirdly-named options being pushed on him by the youthful salesman (Bill Hader).

Note: This ad parody previously aired during the Dress Rehearsal from the episode hosted by Katy Perry.

Transcript


Crab Blast 2012
Summary: Jolene (Kristen Wiig) and Wendy (Zooey Deschanel) promise the world's tastiest crabs to their friends, but somehow forget to provide the much-lauded crabs.


Karmin performs "I Told You So"


We're Gonna Make Technology Hump
Summary: Tech geeks Danielle (Zooey Deschanel) and Jacob (Andy Samberg) present videos of digital goods humping one another.

Recurring Characters: Jacob.


Victorian Ladies
Summary: Victorian-era spinsters (Kristen Wiig, Zooey Deschanel) exchange handwritten correspondence regarding their ill-fated romances with creepy men who linger at their windows.


Goodnights
Transcript



Barnes&Noble.com



Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Memorial for George
Summary: Mourner (Abby Elliott) sings a song in honor of the recently-deceased George.


Parenting Class
Summary: New parents learn the dos and don'ts of raising a new baby.



SNL Transcripts