Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 14


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11n: Zooey Deschanel / Karmin

Weekend Update with Seth Meyers

.....Seth Meyers
Arianna Huffington.....Nasim Pedrad
Nicolas Cage.....Andy Samberg
Nicolas Cage's Clone.....Nicolas Cage

Announcer: "Weekend update" with Seth Meyers.

Seth Meyers: Good evening, I'm Seth Meyers! and here are tonight's top stories!

During Mitt Romney's speech following Tuesday's caucuses, he attempted to highlight his family’s humble roots by emphasizing that his father was a carpenter. In fact, I believe Romney's father actually built Mitt in his woodshop.

Rick Santorum is hoping his three wins in the Republican primaries on Tuesday will position him as the conservative alternative to Mitt Romney. And I think that's reflected in his new campaign slogan: "The Other White Meat".

Rick Santorum, on Friday, said he is concerned about the Pentagon's new policy allowing women closer to front line combat, noting that men would "have emotions" seeing a woman in harm's way. Which I have to say is a compelling case against having men in the military.

Republican lawmakers, this week, vowed to repeal a new health care rule from President Obama that requires religious institutions to offer birth control for employees, saying that it violates religious freedom. Troubling news for women who are Catholic, but not, you know, Catholic Catholic.

President Obama, on Tuesday, called New York Giants coach Tom Coughlin to congratulate him and the team for winning the Super Bowl. He tried to phone the Patriots, too, but the call was dropped.

Seth Meyers: Between the controversies surrounding Planned Parenthood and J.C. Penney's decision to keep Ellen Degeneres as its spokeswoman, it's been a big couple of weeks for women's issues. Here to comment on women's news, is Huffington Post Editor Arianna Huffington.

Arianna Huffington: Hello, Seth, hello!

Seth Meyers: Hi.

Arianna Huffington: Hello!

Seth Meyers: Good to see you, Arianna. Thanks for being here.

Arianna Huffington: Oh, could you be serious? I mean, what else would I be doing, Sexy Boy? I love to be on media things!

Seth Meyers: Great! So, Arianna, let's talk about some of the big women's issues. Ellen had a big victory this week, when J.C. Penney announced they wouldn't give in to the conservative women's group One Million Moms.

Arianna Huffington: I know, Seth! the whole thing was completely ridiculous! I bet you that One Million Moms doesn't even have ,i>one million moms! It is just like when I went to the 10,000 Maniacs concert... and, instead, five normal people walked out on a stage! It was completely nutty!

Seth Meyers: Yeah... no. That makes sense. Uh -- overall, a big week for gay rights, too.

Arianna Huffington: Oh, absolutely, Seth, Cutie-Pie. You know... Prop 8 was overturned in California, Washington State is going to allow gay marriage, and "Smash" premiered on NBC... which is like ten gay weddings in one hour. It's completely coconuts! You know, the New York times has great coverage of this, Seth, and you can read all of it on the Huffington Post. Because we copied it and we pasted it.

Seth Meyers: That's fine. But it wasn't all good news for liberals, Arianna. The White House had to compromise on contraceptive rights after U.S. bishops became angry.

Arianna Huffington: Oh, Seth, pussycat! Why are we even talking about angry bishops? Who cares? It's 2012! I mean, listen -- even the name "angry bishops" sounds like a... I don't know, a turn-of-the-century sex toy.

Seth Meyers: I hadn't thought of it like that, but now... that's the only way I'll think of it! It sounds like you think it's a good time for Democrats right now.

Arianna Huffington: Oh, absolutely! Obama is KILLING it! I mean, did you see him singing the Al Green? [ singing ] "I am... so in love with you..." Come on!

Seth Meyers: Oh, yeah. That was way worse than what he did!

Arianna Huffington: In a sexy way!

Seth Meyers: Oh, alright! But speaking of sex -- and presidents -- a woman came forth this week and said she had an affair with John F. Kennedy when she was 19.

Arianna Huffington: Ugh! I was like, "Could you be serious?" JFK affairs are like Tupac Shakur songs -- they keep dropping even AFTER he is dead!

Seth Meyers: Yeah! Finally, Arianna, let's talk about what Rick Santorum said yesterday, concerning women in combat. Namely, that women are in danger because men will react too emotionally with them in harm's way.

Arianna Huffington: Oh, if Rick Santorum doesn't like men worrying about women, then he should quit the race and endorse Newt Gingrich. When Newt sees a woman's life in danger, he abandons her as fast as his FAT feet can carry him!

Seth Meyers: Arianna Huffington!

Arianna Huffington: Thank you, Bill Mahar!

Seth Meyers: NBC's highly promoted new series, "Smash", won its time slot Monday night, beating out CBS's "Hawaii Five-O". So get ready for two new NBC series: "Smash: Criminal Intent" and "Smash: SVU". Bong-bong!

A Florida judge, this week, ordered a man who had a fight with his wife to take her out to dinner at Red Lobster. Red Lobster: Where people are sentenced to dinner.

Shippensburg University in Pennsylvania has installed a vending machine on campus that sells the Plan B morning after pill. Meanwhile, over at Arizona State, they're just mixing it into the drinking water.

For Valentine's Day, Pizza Hut is offering a $10,000 Engagement Package, which includes limo service, a ruby engagement ring, a $10 dollar dinner box and, hopefully, $9,700 in cash.

High schools in Southern California have been plagued the past few months by a series of robberies in which thieves only take tubas from music departments. In a related story, people in Southern California have apparently figured out how to smoke weed out of tubas.

Seth Meyers: And now it's time for "Get in the Cage!", our flagship segment in which film star Nicolas Cage sits down with a fellow actor to discuss the craft of future projects. So please join me in welcoming Nicolas Cage and... Nicolas Cage?

[ Nicolas Cage and a clone of Nicolas Cage slide up to the desk together ]

Nicolas Cage: Well, good evening, Nick. You're looking very well tonight.

Nicolas Cage's Clone: Oh, that's very kind of you, Nick! You look great, too.

Seth Meyers: Guys, I'm gonna jump in here -- how is this possible? I'm looking at two identical... Nic Cages.

Nicolas Cage: Well, Seth, I can explain if you'll just... CALM DOWN!!!

Seth Meyers: Go on.

Nicolas Cage: Okay, as everyone knows... my dream as an actor is to appear in every film ever released. However, 'til now, I've only been able to muster a measly 90%, bringing shame upon my dojo.

Seth Meyers: Sure. Of course.

Nicolas Cage: But, fortunately, today science has prevailed. And I'm proud to announce that my cloning experiment has FINALLY come to fruition.

Seth Meyers: I'm sorry? Cloning experiment?

Nicolas Cage's Clone: Well, that's exactly right, Seth. I am his clone.

Seth Meyers: Oh. Well, that does makes sense, 'cause you two are IDENTICAL... in every way.

Nicolas Cage: Not in every way, Seth.

Nicolas Cage's Clone: Well, while, physically, we are exactly the same, there are some slight differences, personality wise.

Nicolas Cage: Yes. For example: This Nic... is calm and stealthy, like a ninja warrior.

Nicolas Cage's Clone: Whereas this Nick is an exaggerated, screaming psychopath... who just doesn't exist.

Nicolas Cage: That's high praise!

Seth Meyers: I just need to get this straight. So only one of you is currently starring in "Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance", which opens this coming Friday.

Nicolas Cage: That's right, Seth. And it is not to be missed. For it has the two key qualities of a classic Nic Cage action film. Number one:

Nicolas Cage's Clone: All the dialogue is either whispered or screamed.

Nicolas Cage: And, of course, Number Two:

Nicolas Cage's Clone: Everything in the movie is on fire.

Seth Meyers: Right. I have to say, it sounds great.

Nicolas Cage: HEY, YOU MIND YOUR MANNERS, HAIR GEL!!

Nicolas Cage's Clone: Ah, now... let's just calm down, Nic. Let's do our self-esteem exercises where we pay each other compliments.

Nicolas Cage: Alright, very well, I'll begin. Nic... I love your charisma.

Nicolas Cage's Clone: And, Nic... I love your lion's heart.

Nicolas Cage: Nic... I love your sense of humor, dry and marble like a quality beefsteak. No A1 sauce required for this jester, for the tangy flavor rises from within. Also... I love your scent, musky and masculine, like that of a silverback gorilla in a form-fitting leather jacket.

Nicolas Cage's Clone: [ thinking it over ] That's high praise!

[ the audience cheers and applauds wildly ]

Seth Meyers: It's just GREAT how much you guys support each other.

Nicolas Cage: Well, it's easy to support a man with the rugged, smoky features of a cunning cigar store Indian... and eyes that sparkle and pierce the hearts of women, both old and middle-aged alike. And that... is the true meaning of Black History Month.

Nicolas Cage's Clone: I... I... just don't know what you mean by that, Nic.

Seth Meyers: Yeah.

Nicolas Cage: Nevertheless! The time has for us to ride on to our next adventure.

Seth Meyers: And what is that?

Nicolas Cage's Clone: [ he claps his hands together ] We're going to have a three-way with the Declaration of Independence.

[ the audience cheers and applauds wildly ]

Seth Meyers: Nic Cage and Nic Cage, everyone! For Weekend Update, I'm Seth Meyers! I love the Cage!


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