Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 15




























11o: Maya Rudolph / Sleigh Bells

The Obama Show

Michelle Obama.....Maya Rudolph
President Barack Obama.....Fred Armisen
Agent Conners.....Taran Killam
Joe Jamal-Biden.....Jason Sudeikis
Hillary Clinton.....Amy Poehler

[ open on title card ]

Announcer: And now a message from First Lady Michelle Obama.

[ dissolve to Michelle Obama seated in chair ]

Michelle Obama: Good evening, thanks. In the past few weeks, I've made several television appearances in an effort to bring attention to my campaign against childhood obesity. From "Jay Leno" to "iCarly", I've tried to teach kids and parents about fitness in a fun and entertaining way. But the work is not done. Fitness starts with the family. Which is why, tonight, I am proud to announce my new media campaign: An educational, yet laugh-filled half-hour comedy starring my family. I hope you'll enjoy it.

[ cut to Cosby-style opening credits for "The Obama Show" ]

[ dissolve to exterior, White House ]

Voiceover: "The Obama Show" is filmed before a live studio audience.

[ dissolve to interior, Huxtable-style living room inside the White House, as President Barack Obama lays down a tray of fatty foods onto the coffee table ]

President Barack Obama: [ in Cosby voice ] Mr. Speaker! Distinguished guests! And fellow Americans! I hereby approooooooove... this hoagie for eating! But first -- some amendments! I'm gonna add a little SALAMI to the hoagie! [ he throws salami down ] Whommmmp! I'm gonna put a PICKLE on the hoagie! [ he throws a pickle down ] Bwaaaapp! And we're gonna put a handful of CHIPS on the hoagie to make the hoagie crunchy in the mouth when I chew the hoagie! I hereby also VETO... the rice cakes that Michelle said were healthier... than the hoagie! Here we go! [ he tosses the rice cakes over his shoulder and lifts the hoagie to his mouth ]

[ suddenly, Michell Obama enters ]

Michelle Obama: Hi, Barack! My meeting was cancelled and -- [ she gasps at the sight of him with the hoagie ]

President Barack Obama: [ stunned ] She's home!! My beautiful wife... is hooooome! Agent Connerss, you were supposed to TELL me when my wife was on the way!

Michelle Obama: Ba-rack O-ba-ma! Is that a hoagie?! Foods like that lead to obesity! And you know you are to never, never, never, never, nev-er eat them!

President Barack Obama: [ desperately ] I know! I just found it here! I think one of the chillll-dren must have made it!

[ Joe Jamal-Biden enters from the kitchen, grinning like a jackass ]

Joe Jamal-Biden: Hey, Barack! Michelle! Hey, before you say NO... there's a new dance club that my friend COCKROACH and I just want to go to!

President Barack Obama: Joe, Joe! I need you to sit down-ownnn, young man!

Joe Jamal-Biden: Oh? Okay, sure. Yeah, why not?

President Barack Obama: SIT down!

Joe Jamal-Biden: Alright! [ he sits between them ]

President Barack Obama: Now... HOW many times have I told you NOT to leave the hoagies laying around, and now you're hee-errrre?! You need to take your HOAGIE... if you want to go to the dance club, because... it's your hoagie!

[ Biden looks around the room like an idiot for a few moments ]

Joe Jamal-Biden: Oh, RIGHT!! [ he grabs the hoagie ] Yeah, this is, uh... this is MY hoagie!! I made it, uh... [ wheels turning ] right when you said I could borrow the CAR tonight!

[ President Obama reluctantly hands over the keys to his car ]

Joe Jamal-Biden: Ha ha! Alright!!

[ Biden takes the hoagie and leaves for the dance club ]

Michelle Obama: Barack... have a rice cake, baby.

President Barack Obama: Alright... [ he reaches for the missing rice cakes ]

Michelle Obama: They're good for you. [ she reaches below the coffee table ] I'll eat the one off the floor.

President Barack Obama: [ he laughs ] I'll tell you what's good for me... is having a rice cake... with such a beautiful woman.

Michelle Obama: Oh!

[ the audience ohs, as we cut to the show logo ]

Announcer: "The Obama Show". Thursday nights at 8 p.m. And tune in next week, when Secretary of State Hillary Clinton drops by.

[ dissolve to Biden, Michelle and Agent Conners standing, back turned, to the staircase. as President Obama steps down while lip-synching Ray Charles' "Night Time Is the Right Time" ]

[ he approaches Hillary Clinton, who lip-synchs "Baby!" from the chorus ]

[ cut to exterior, White House ]

[ fade ]


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