Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 37: Episode 16

This free script provided by

Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


Bit Players:

Guest Writer:

March 4th, 2012

Lindsay Lohan

Jack White


Jimmy Fallon

Jon Hamm

Michael Patrick O'Brien

Jorma Taccone

Fox Report
Summary: Creepy Shepard Smith (Bill Hader) wards off "Mother" while conducting separate interviews with Mitt Romney (Jason Sudeikis) and his five sons.

Recurring Characters: Shepard Smith, Mitt Romney, Kid Rock.



Lindsay Lohan's Monologue
Summary: Although the cast and crew purports to trust Lindsay Lohan after her recent troubles, they still double-check for possible infractions and have John Hamm on stand-by as a replacement host, just in case.


The Real Housewives of Disney
Summary: Disney princesses Rapunzel (Lindsay Lohan), Snow White (Vanessa Bayer), Belle (Abby Elliott), Jasmine (Nasim Pedrad), and Cinderella (Kristen Wiig) act like bitchy diva housewives on their new reality show.


2012 Psychic Awards
Summary: Among the evening's highlights: the Best Foreign Psychic nominees know the results before it's announced, and a memorial reel of participants who will die in the coming year.


Scared Straight
Summary: Hardcore inmates Lorenzo McIntosh (Kenan Thompson) and Lindsay Lohan try to scare a trio of young punks (Bobby Moynihan, Andy Samberg, Bill Hader) straight.

Recurring Characters: Lorenzo McIntosh, Officer Sikorsky.

Jack White performs "Love Interruption"

Weekend Update with Seth Meyers
Summary: Political correspondent James Carville (Bill Hader) comments on Rush Limbaugh's most recent controversial comments, as well as other recent Republical gaffes. Snooki (Bobby Moynihan) comments on whether or not she's pregnant, and reveals Jon Hamm as the father.

Recurring Characters: James Carville, Snooki.

Deliquent Girl Teen Gang
Summary: After being released from jail, a group of teen girls carelessly dance around the street, except for Babette (Fred Armisen), who dances in the middle of the street and is repeatedly hit by passing cars.

An SNL Digital Short
Summary: Dee (Andy Samberg) and Paula (Kristen Wiig) sing about their united "Afro" in a video invitation to their upcoming wedding.

B108 FM
Summary: Richard (Taran Killam), The Buffalo (Bobby Moynihan), and Illiterate Lisa (Lindsay Lohan) work the morning zoo format at five a.m.

Summary: A woman (Kristen Wiig) wants to quit smoking, but the side effects of Chantix are worse than her nicotine addiction.

Note: Repeat from 11k.

House Sitting
Summary: Chevelyn (Kristen Wiig) hires Megan (Lindsay Lohan) to housesit for her while she's on vacation, but will she ever get out the door knowing that a supposed crazy stalker won't stop dialing her phone?

Summary: An older man (Fred Armisen) wants to buy a cell phone, but he can't comprehend the numerous weirdly-named options being pushed on him by the youthful salesman (Bill Hader).

Note: Repeat from 11n

Jack White performs "Sixteen Saltines"

Rude Buddha!
Summary: Buddha (Andy Samberg) makes disparaging comments about his disciples behind their backs after dispensing his wisdom upon them.


70's Album
Summary: A weird guy (Jason Sudeikis) pokes around the fire after reminiscing about 70's music.


70's Album II
Summary: A weird guy (Jason Sudeikis) burns his hand in the fire after reminiscing about 70's music.



Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Sneaking Out
Summary: Teenagers (Lindsay Lohan, Vanessa Bayer) keep trying to sneak out of their house without being caught by their parents (Kristen Wiig, Jason Sudeikis).

Summary: Diner (Lindsay Lohan) has trouble ordering fish at a restaurant.

Victoria's Secret
Summary: Sales clerk keeps trying to assist women who are shopping for lingerie.

Summary: The ghost of John F. Kennedy (Jon Hamm) keeps interrupting Rick Santorum (Andy Samberg) as he delivers a speech.

Recurring Characters: Rick Santorum, John F. Kennedy.

Stephen Hawking
Summary: Stephen Hawking (Fred Armisen) visits a nightclub.

SNL Transcripts