Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 37: Episode 16

11p: Lindsay Lohan / Jack White

Rude Buddha!

Buddha.....Andy Samberg
Scribe.....Fred Armisen
Karen.....Nasim Pedrad
First Disciple.....Bill Hader
Second Disciple.....Vanessa Bayer
Third Disciple.....Bobby Moynihan
Fourth Disciple.....Lindsay Lohan

Annuncer: [ over SCROLL ] "Over two-thousand years ago, a man known as Buddha attained enlightenment while sitting beneath a banyan tree. He became a teacher and spiritual guide. Yet for all his wisdom, the Buddha had another side, a side seen only by his closest disciples. These are the tales of... Rude Buddha."

Jingle: [ over slides of buddha making fun of his followers ] "Rude Buddha! Rude Buddha! Rude Buddha! Rude Buddha!"

[ dissolve to Buddha sitting peacefully on a rock, with Karen and a Scribe by his side ]

Buddha: Who seeks the consel of the Buddha?

First Disciple: Great Buddha... my mind is always racing. How can I find enlightenment, if I cannot find a moment's peace?

Buddha: "A flower falls, even though we love it; and a weed grows, even though we do not love it."

First Disciple: So I should accept things as they are?

Buddha: "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step."

First Disciple: Thank you, Buddha. [ he exits ]

Buddha: Annnnnd... that guy's single steps should be off a CLIFF! ] his Scribe laughs ] "Um, Buddha, should I accept things as they are?" [ he laughs ] "Uh, no... you should accept that you're never getting LAID!" [ he laughs ] Oh! Here comes another one. Be cool... be cool.

[ Second Disciple comes forward ]

Second Disciple: Buddha... my husband's mother makes me so tense. I'm unable to live in the moment.

Buddha: "There is no one path to enlightenment; a jug fills drop by drop."

Second Disciple: Thank you, Buddha! [ she exits ]

Buddha: Uh... yeah, speaking of jugs! [ he laughs ] Did you guys see the RACK on her! [ his Scribe laughs along] I think my little Buddha just obtained FULL conciousness! Yeah! Buddha like-a the boob-a! [ his Scribe laughs ] Yeah, this guy knows what I'm talking about! Oh, here comes another guy, I'm totally gonna mess with him!

[ Third Disciple comes forward ]

Third Disciple: Buddha, my work consumes me. Even when I am with my family, I think about my crops.

Buddha: "You take the good... you take the bad... you take them both... and then you have... The Facts of Life."

Third Disciple: [ nodding ] The facts of life. [ he exits ]

Buddha: [ he laughs] I just completely ripped that! Uh, P.S.: Did you guys get a whiff of his breath? He could use an enlighten-mint! [ he laughs ] Did you write that down?

Scribe: Yeah, I got it. [ he laughs ]

Buddha: Man! These people are MORONS! Right, Karen? [ Karen remains mute ] Oh, yeah! She is... just... totally checked out! [ he looks up ] Oh! Hottie alert! Act wise!

[ Fourth Disciple comes forward ]

Fourth Disciple: Great Buddha... I feel that my meditation is not working. Is there any way you can help me reach nirvana?

Buddha: [ he tries to maintain his composure ] Yes, my child. I can show you then Zen way. Come back tonight, say... elevenish, and we will... "meditate".

Fourth Disciple: And we will reach enlightenment together?

Buddha: Uh -- well, I'm definitely gonna get there! [ he laughs ] You might have to work a little overtime!

Fourth Disciple: Thank you, Buddha... I guess. [ she exits ]

Buddha: Oh, Iíll show her the Zen way. First, I take her home; Zen, I take her clothes off. [ he laughs ] I hope she's not Jewish, 'cause she's as good as PORKED! [ he laughs ] Yeah! If my tree falls in her forest, you better believe the neighbors are gonna hear it! Right, Karen? [ he laughs ]

[ the last two disciples re-appear ]

Fourth Disciple: Buddha! We've been hearing everything you've been saying! How can you treat your disciples this way?!

Third Disciple: Yeah, what's with you?!

Buddha: My apologies to both of you. Come closer. [ Third Disciple kneels before Buddha ] What is the sound of one hand clapping?

Third Disciple: I... I don't know. What is the sound of one--?

[ Buddha bitch-slaps him across the face ]

[ cut to opening graphics ]

Jingle: [ over slides of buddha making fun of his followers ] "Rude Buddha! Rude Buddha! Rude Buddha! Rude Buddha!"

[ fade ]

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