Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 17


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:



Bit Players:


March 11th, 2012

Jonah Hill

The Shins

None

Tom Hanks

John McEnroe

None

The Rush Limbaugh Show
Summary: Following the controversy of referring to Georgetown law student Sandra Fluke as a "whore" and a prostitute", Rush Limbaugh (Taran Killam) is short a few of his sponsors, but relunctantly announces a collection of new, if less-improved, sponsors that have taken their places.

Recurring Characters: Rush Limbaugh.

Transcript


Montage


Jonah Hill's Monologue
Summary: Jonah Hill introduces backstage footage which reveals that he's let his recent Oscar nomination go to his bed. Fortunately, he realizes the error of his ways, and two-time Oscar winner Tom Hanks salutes him thusly.

Transcript


Six Year Old
Summary: Six-year old Adam Grossman (Jonah Hill) continues to embarrass his divorced dad (Bill Hader) and his Internet girlfriend (Vanessa Bayer) by obnoxiously performing more Borscht Belt humor in front of the hibachi crowd at Benihana's.

Recurring Characters: Adam Grossman, Evan Grossman, Su-Shin.

Transcript


An SNL Digital Short
Summary: In an installment of "Science Finders", Darius Rucker Jr. (Andy Samberg) tests stress levels on the human heart by shooting tennis balls at Dean's (Jonah Hill) crotch.


J-Pop America Fun Time Now!
Summary: apan-obsessed Jonathan Cavanaugh-san (Taran Killam) and Rebecca Stern-Marcowitz-san (Vanessa Bayer) chat with would-be ninja Martin Blackfield (Jonah Hill).

Recurring Characters: Jonathan Cavanaugh-san, Rebecca Stern-Marcowitz-san, Mark Kaufman, Jonathan's Girlfriend.


The Shins perform "Simple Song"


Weekend Update with Seth Meyers
Summary: Paula Deen (Kristen Wiig). Andy Samberg. Stefon (Bill Hader)

Recurring Characters: Paula Deen, Stefon.


Primate Research Center
Summary: Professor (Jonah Hill) has successfully trained a monkey named Brutus (Fred Armisen) to talk, but doesn't expect Brutus to spill the beans about sharing exercises in beastiality with one another.


Liza Minnelli Tries To Turn Off A Lamp
Summary: Liza Minnelli (Kristen Wiig) prances around the room in her attempt to turn off a tricky lamp prior to going out on the town with her guest (Jonah Hill).


The Shins perform "It's Only Life"


Anniversary Song
Summary: Harold (Jonah Hill) surprises Lauren (Kristen Wiig) on their anniversary by performing a Coolio song with a full orchestra at his disposal.


Goodnights
Transcript






Dress Rehearsal Cuts

ESPN SportsCenter
Summary: A discussion of the NFL Bounty scandal.


Hannity
Summary: Sean Hannity (Taran Killam) talks with pollster Frank Luntz (Jonah Hill), who analyzes voter reaction to Republican candidate speeches.

Recurring Characters: Sean Hannity.


Let's Have a Wonderful Time
Summary: "Glee"'s Lea Michele (Abby Elliott) chats up the house band on her new talk show.


Forensic Investigation
Summary: The lead actor (Jonan Hill) in a TV show doesn't speak English.



SNL Transcripts