Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 37: Episode 18

11r: Sofia Vergara / One Direction

Sofia Vergara's Monologue

.....Sofia Vergara
.....Manolo Gonzalez

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen -- Sofia Vergara!

Sofia Vergara: Thank you! Thank you very much! Hello, everyone! It is so wonderful to be here tonight hosting "La Noche de Sabado Vivo"! I have to thank ALL of you, because this is such a HUGE moment for me in my life. I never dreamed that I would be here in New York City. I came here all the way from a small town in Columbia called Barranquilla. Barranquilla is a Spanish word that means "Cleveland".

I always heard that immigrants had a really hard life when they came to America. But when I showed up here, everyone was so nice. The men bought me drinks and offered me a place to sleep. This country welcomed me with open arms and pulled-down pants! And, also, I am so lucky to be part of the AMAZING cast of "Modern Family". Growing up in Columbia, it was every girl's dream to one day grow up... and marry Al Bundy.

I am also so proud to have my son Manolo with me here tonight. [ reveal her son in the audience ] Hi, Manolo!

Manolo Gonzalez: Hi, Mom! [ he waves ]

Sofia Vergara: I know what you're all thinking. How can she have a son who's that old? But he's only five. South Americans develop very quickly. But then, they stay the same age FOREVER! Just look at my grandparents over there!

[ reveal young couple sitting next to her son ]

Sofia Vergara: Hola, Abuela!

And, finally... you may have noticed that I have a bit of an accent sometimes. I love it! This accent can make anything... sound sexy. Listen: [ sexily ] "Gon-a-rrrrrrhea!" [ she smiles ] "Reek San-torrrrrrum." "New Jerrrrrr-sey." "Mmm-hmmmmm... New Jerrrrrr-sey!" So, tonight, please forgive me if you cannot understand what I say. And I will forgive you for staring at my CHEST the whole night!

We have a great show for tonight! One Direction... is here! So stick around, and we'll be right back!

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