Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 18














11r: Sofia Vergara / One Direction

Almost Pizza

Dad.....Bill Hader
Mom.....Kristen Wiig
Daughter.....Nasim Pedrad

[ open on suburban kitchen, Mom standing over a hot pizza as Dad enters ]

Dad: Mmm, pizza! I didn't hear the delivery guy pull up.

Mom: That's because it's not delivery.

Dad: Really.

Mom: And it's not exactly pizza, either. [ she holds up box ] It's Almost Pizza!

Dad: [ amused ] Come on! That's pizza!

Mom: No. It's very nearly pizza, but not quite. It's Almost Pizza. See? [ she holds up the box again ] Come on, let's eat!

Dad: So, it's, uh... tofu pizza, something like that?

Mom: No. You could put tofu on a pizza, and still legally call it pizza. But don't call this pizza. It's Almost Pizza. Pizza that's practically pizza in every way, except for a few key ones. Come on! Dig in!

Dad: But it's food, though. Right?

Mom: Come on!!

[ Daughter enters kitchen ]

Daughter: Oooooh, pizza! Nice one, Mom!

Dad: Hang on here! What exactly is this, Carol?

Daughter: It looks like pizza!

Mom: It's meant to!

Dad: But it's NOT! If it was pizza, it would just say "PIZZA"!

Mom: Look -- I'll eat some!

[ she lifts a slice of Almost Pizza to her mouth, but turns it away and pretends to eat it ]

Daughter: It sure smells like pizza!

Mom: That was their intention!

Dad: WHOSE?!

Mom: Just try it, Tom, it's getting cold!

Dad: NO!! If anything, it's getting HOTTER!! WHAT IS THIS, CAROL?!!

Mom: Just eat some!

Dad: HELL... NO!!

Daughter: I'll eat it!

Dad: NO!!

[ he swats the pizza out of his Daughter's hands, sending it crashing to the floor and shattering like glass ]

Dad: WHAT THE FUCK?!!

Mom: I said it was pizza!

[ suddenly, the shattered pizza pulls itself together and reforms into its original slice, then scurries underneath the refridgerator ]

Announcer: If it's almost dinner, then it's almost time for Almost Pizza! The thing that's much like pizza, roughly speaking. From Pfizer.

[ Dad furiously tries to stomp on the pizza and kill it ]

[ fade ]


SNL Transcripts