Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 18






















11r: Sofia Vergara / One Direction

Road to the White House

Mitt Romney.....Jason Sudeikis
Male Supporter #1.....Taran Killam
Male Supporter #2.....Bobby Moynihan
Voice in Audience.....Bill Hader
Female Supporter #1.....Abby Elliott
Female Supporter #2.....Vanessa Bayer
Mayor Alvin Parks, Jr.....Kenan Thompson
Ann Romney.....Kristen Wiig
Female Supporter #3.....Nasim Pedrad
Female Supporter #4.....Kate McKinnon

[ open on C-Span screen ]

Announcer: Next on C-Span... Road to the White House. Following his primary victories last Tuesday, in Wisconsin, Maryland, and Washington, D.C., Republican frontrunner Mitt Romney makes campaign stops in a dozen cities across the country, where he'll claim to be interested in things we know he's not interested in. His first appearance, on Wednesday, was before the Pittsburgh Trade Association.

[ dissolve to Mitt Romney at podium, surrounded by supporters ]

Mitt Romney: Of course, you know, growing up in Michigan... I've always been an enormous fan of the Pittsburgh Steelers! You know? What a team! What a football team! With those uniforms they have... different colors... of course, the great coach... and the various players... who are all SO terrific, you know? I could name them all... uh... yeah! In baseball, on the other hand, I rooted for the Pirates. Oh, Jiminy Cricket! What a ball club! All those players, hitting and catching the ball... [ he glances around the room ] Yeah, and how about those Pittsburgh Penguins! Huh?

Voice: We don't believe you!

Mitt Romney: [ defensively ] Okay! Alright... okay...

[ cut to C-Span screen ]

Announcer: Later that day, Mitt Romney spoke before a meeting of the American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals -- or, ASPCA.

[ dissolve to Mitt Romney standing at podium, with one female supporter at his side ]

Mitt Romney: In politics, we're often told that sometimes we simply HAVE to compromise. But let me tell you, here and now: There is ONE issue on which I will NEVER back down! NEVER cut a deal, NEVER compromise! Because it's the core of who I am: Cat spaying! It's simply the right thing to do, and, quite frankly, the reason I got into this race. I want to be known as the "cat neutering president".

[ dissolve to C-Span screen ]

Announcer: Thursday morning. Governor Romney was in East St. Louis, Illinois, where he spoke to the local Chamber of Commerce.

[ dissolve to Mitt Romney standing at podium, surrounded by supporters and Mayor Alvin Parks, Jr. ]

Mitt Romney: You know, Ann and I have lived and traveled all over the world, but I'll let you in on a little secret: The only place that has EVER truly felt like home... is right HERE! East St. Louis, Illinois!

Mayor Alvin Parks, Jr.: Are you crazy? This is a hell hole!

Mitt Romney: [ chuckling ] Really? I find it to be such a lovely place!

Mayor Alvin Parks, Jr.: Trust me -- I'm the Mayor. This place is a hell hole! We live... in a HELL hole!

Female Supporter #2: Yeah. We HATE it here!

Mitt Romney: Okay! Alright! Okay!

[ dissolve to C-Span screen ]

Announcer: That afternoon, Governor and Mrs. Romney were in Oklahoma, where they met with the Kiamichi Country Sportsmen's ASsociation.

[ dissolve to Mitt and Ann Romney standing ouside, surrounded by supporters ]

Mitt Romney: You know, unfortunately, with our schedules, Ann and I don't get to nearly as many cockfights as we'd like. Now, but let me tell you -- cockfighting has brought us more sheer enjoyment in our marriage than anything we have EVER experienced! And that's why, frankly, I want ot be the COCKFIGHTING president!

[ Ann covers her face ]

[ dissolve to C-Span screen ]

Announcer: Thursday evening, Governor Romney stopped in Dallas, to address the National Convention of the Role Playing Game Association.

[ dissolve to Mitt Romney standing at podium, cloaked and brandishing a light sabre ]

Mitt Romney: You know... you know, in all honesty, I can't remember a time when "Dungeons & Dragons" WASN'T an important part of my life!

Voice: We don't believe you!

Mitt Romney: [ defensively ] Okay! Alright... okay...

[ cut to C-Span screen ]

Announcer: Friday morning, Governor Romney was in Chicago, where he spoke at a meeting of the American Diabetes Association.

[ dissolve to Mitt Romney standing at podium, surrounded by supporters ]

Mitt Romney: Of course, no one -- no one WANTS to get sick. You know? But, uh... but, uh, quite frankly, I've always thought that if I HAD to develop a chronic disease... you know I-I-I hope it would be Adult Onset Diabetes! [ the supporters grimace slightly ] What a FASCINATING illness, you know, when you think about it...

[ cut to C-Span screen ]

Announcer: Later, Governor Romney made an appearance at the 2012 Piercing Convention.

[ dissolve to Mitt and Ann Romney standing at podium, surrounded by freaky pierced supporters ]

Mitt Romney: [ chuckling ] You know... you know, when people ask me, "Mitt, just how many piercings do you have?" Well, I always say, "More than I need, but less than I want!" Now, besides the two nipple rings, which I've already spoken about... and the taint! [ Ann gives him a curious look ] Uh -- I've recently added a barbell tongue stud, which Ann and I both enjoy very much! [ Ann smiles sheepishly ]

[ cut to C-Span screen ]

Announcer: That afternoon, before the start of Passover, Governor Romney appeared at a meeting of the United Jewish Appeal.

[ dissolve to Mitt Romney standing at podium, dressed in Jewish holy garb and opening a holy book of prayer, as he recites Jewish tongues ]

Voice: We don't believe you!

Mitt Romney: [ defensively ] Alright... okay... alright...

[ cut to C-Span screen ]

Announcer: Finally, on Saturday, Governor Romney was in New York, where he appeared in the opening of "Saturday Night Live".

[ dissolve to Mitt Romney standing at Home Base ]

Mitt Romney: [ chuckling ] You know... I-I've just gotta tell you, quite frankly, it's a thrill to be here on "Saturday Night Live". It's my FAVORITE show -- all the wonderful comic skits... and send-ups... and japes over the years! You know, it's really something! And, of course, there's that unforgettable opening that we all know, oh so well! "Hey New York, let's start the show!"

Voice: "Live, from New York, it's Saturday Niiiiight!!"

Mitt Romney: Yeah! Exactly! What he said! That's right!


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