Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 37: Episode 19

11s: Josh Brolin / Gotye


Mitt Romney.....Jason Sudeikis
Rick Santorum.....Andy Samberg
Barmaid.....Nasim Pedrad
Rick Perry.....Bill Hader
Michele Bachmann.....Kristen Wiig
Herman Cain.....Kenan Thompson
Newt Gingrich.....Bobby Moynihan

[ open on exterior of bar ]

[ dissolve to interior, bar counter, where Mitt Romney sits with Rick Santorum ]

Rick Santorum: It's good to see you, Mitt.

Mitt Romney: Hey, thanks for meeting me here. Now that you're out of the race, I just wanted to tell you in person that you ran a great campaign.

Rick Santorum: Oh, thanks, Mitt. And congratulations on the nomiation. It was hard-fought.

[ Romney chuckles, as the barmaid steps forward ]

Barmaid: What can I get you two?

Rick Santorum: Well, we're celebrating for my friend, so I'll have a chocolate milk.

Mitt Romney: Mmm! And I'll have a napkin. [ the Barmaid steps away ] That was certainly a Primary season to remember, huh?

Rick Santorum: It sure was. There was even a time when people were saying I was the frontrunner. [ Romney chuckles ] Gotta thank you for that, Mitt.

Mitt Romney: Mmm-hmm.

Rick Santorum: The only candidate that can ever make me look exciting.

Mitt Romney: And you're the only candidate who can make me look gay-friendly!

Rick Santorum: Ah! You're just saying that! I'm gonna miss you, Mitt.

[ they begin to sing Green Day's "Good Riddance (Time of Your Life)" ]

Mitt Romney: [ singing ]
"Another turning point,
a fork stuck in the road."

Rick Santorum: [ singing ]
"Times grabs you by the wrist,
directs you where to go."

Together: [ singing ]
"So make the best of this test and don't ask why!
It's not a question ,but a lesson learned in time.
It was always unpredictable, but in the end what's right
This campaign was the time of my life!"

[ the Barmaid returns with their orders ]

Barmaid: There you go.

Mitt Romney: Great! Thank you. [ he takes out an envelope ] And I've placed your tip in this envelope. Make sure you give it to your husband when you get home -- he'll know best what to do with it.

[ the Barmaid steps away ]

Rick Santorum: And don't spend it on birth control!

Mitt Romney: Yeah! Cheers!

[ they tip their glasses, as Rick Perry enters ]

Rick Perry: Hey, I hope y'all aren't reminiscing without me!

Rick Santorum: What's up!

Mitt Romney: Rick Perry! Rick!

Rick Santorum: You ran a great campaign, Governor Perry.

Rick Perry: There was even a time when I was the frontrunner. Yeah, I might have won the darned thing if I didn't take a deuce every time I opened my mouth.

Mitt Romney: Mmm!

Rick Santorum: Still, I'm sure you learned a lot from the campaign.

Rick Perry: Hey, you guys remember that weird game show we were on, standing in front of podiums, answering questions?

Mitt Romney: Rick, that wasn't a game show. Those were debates.

Rick Perry: "Debates"? If you ask me, they were "de-worst"!

Mitt Romney & Rick Santorum: [ singing ]
"You were always unpredictable!"

Rick Perry: [ singing ]
"Really not that bright."

All: [ singing ]
"This campaign was the time of my life!"

[ Michele Bachmann enters ]

Michele Bachmann: Well, well, well!

Mitt Romney: Hey, it's Michele Bachmann! Alright! Hey, are you crashing boys night?

Michele Bachmann: Oh, I've crashed a lot of boys nights -- usually when I come home early and unannounced.

Mitt Romney: Mmm.

Rick Santorum: Great campaign, Michele!

Mitt Romney: Yeah, you had me worried there for a minute.

Michele Bachmann: Yeah, I mean, there was even a moment when I was the frontrunner... and then it all fell apart when Newsweek made a very creepy cover photo of my face.

Mitt Romney: Oh, that's right! Hey! Come on, Michele -- show us the Newsweek face!

Michele Bachmann: Oh, I couldn't...

Mitt Romney: No! Come on!

All: News-week face! News-week face!

Michele Bachmann: Alright... fine, fine... [ she makes the face ]

All: Yayyyyyyy!!!

[ singing ]
"You were just like Sarah Palin."

Michele Bachmann: [ singing ]
"Further to the right."

All: [ singing ]
"This campaign was the time of my life!"

Michele Bachmann: Does this bar serve food? I am STARVING!

Mitt Romney: Mmm?

[ Herman Cain enters ]

Herman Cain: Hey! Well, we can always order a PIZZA!


Mitt Romney: Herman, let me just say that you ran a GREAT campaign! I mean, you really gave me a run for my money!

Herman Cain: Well, I did alright. Why, there was even a moment there when I was the frontrunner. But, you know... this country just isn't ready for an African-American president. I mean, especially if he wears a cowboy hat, runs a pizza chain, and sexually harasses every woman he meets.

Michele Bachmann: You never harassed me.

Herman Cain: [ nodding ] Uh-huh.

Mitt Romney: Still -- you have to admit your campaign was a wild ride!

Herman Cain: [ he laughs ] Yeah! In the beginning, I was all: "I can fix this economy with 9-9-9." And by the end I had 999 problems, and the BITCH was ALL of them!

Mitt Romney: I love it! It's a RAPSTER reference! Alright! Well, Herman... Herman, let me know if there's anything I can do for you.

Herman Cain: How about giving me a spot on your cabinet?

Mitt Romney: Well, that depends, Herman -- how bad do you want the job?

Herman Cain: Hey, that's MY line!

[ Romney laughs ]

Herman Cain: [ singing ]
"The choice is unpredictable, but in the end he's white."

All: [ singing ]
"This campaign was the time of my life!"

Michele Bachmann: Oh no, guys... Gingrich is here.

Mitt Romney: Uh-oh!

[ they all cover their faces as Newt Gingrich breezes past ]

Rick Santorum: I can't believe he's still in the race.

Mitt Romney: Mmm-hmm.

Rick Santorum: I heard his campaign is completely out of money.

Mitt Romney: Mmm-hmm.

Herman Cain: Oh, man! Look! He's stealing nuts!

[ reveal Gingrich scooping complimentary peanuts into his shirt pocket ]

Mitt Romney: Awwww, nut-stealer! Hey, uh, can I admit something to you guys?

Rick Santorum: Well, sure. You're among friends.

Mitt Romney: RomneyCare is just ObamaCare.

Rick Santorum: D'oh!

Mitt Romney: There you go!

Rick Santorum: I KNEW it!! [ Romney chuckles heartily ] I can't believe none of us could beat you.

Mitt Romney: And I can't believe it took so long to win! Hey, one more time!

[ singing ]
"Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road."

Michele Bachmann: [ warbling ]
"Time grabs you by the reins, directs you where to go."

Rick Santorum & Herman Cain: [ singing ]
"So make the best of this, and don't ask why!"

Rick Perry: [ singing ]
"It's not affected, but it..."

[ he throws his hands up and admits he doesn't know the lyrics ]

All: [ singing ]
"It's always unpredictable, but in the end was right
This campaign was the time of my life!
This campaign was the time of my liiiiife!"

Mitt Romney: Come on, gang! Say it with me here, huh?

[ everyone crowss around Romney ]

All: "Live from New York, it's Saturday Niiiiiiighttttt!!!"

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