Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 20
















11t: Eli Manning / Rihanna

Text Message Evidence

Defense Attorney.....Jason Sudeikis
Chad Kevin Jeremy.....Eli Manning
Judge.....Bill Hader
Prosecuting Attorney.....Abby Elliott

[ open on exterior, courthouse ]

[ dissolve to interior, courtroom ]

Defense Attorney: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury... you've heard the prosecution's case. But I will now prove that this murder could NOT have been committed by my client, Mr. Chad Kevin Jeremy. [ he stands ] Now, it's important that you remember that the Coroner's report places the time of death between 10:30 and 11:30 p.m. on the evening of March 24th. Mr. Jeremy, where were you at, at that time.

Chad Kevin Jeremy: [ leaning into the microphone ] I was at home, all evening.

Defense Attorney: Mmm-hmm. Now, did anyone actually see you at home? A wife or a girlfriend?

Chad Kevin Jeremy: [ leaning into the microphone ] No, sir. I live alone.

Defense Attorney: But, you were, maybe, in communication with someone during that time? Anyone?

Chad Kevin Jeremy: [ leaning into the microphone ] Yes, I was.

Defense Attorney: Oh. Good. Speaking on the phone?

Chad Kevin Jeremy: [ leaning into the microphone ] I was texting.

Defense Attorney: I see. Now, Your Honor, uh -- the Defense submits Exhibit G. [ he hands over a stack of papers ] These are the text messages that my client sent during the time of the murder. Now, Chad, looking at the top of this page, is this your phone number? [ he holds up the page ]

Chad Kevin Jeremy: [ leaning into the microphone ] Yes.

Defense Attorney: Mmm-hmm.Now, at 10:24, you texted: "Just got home, thanks again for dinner, gonna go to bed soon." And do you recognize the number that you sent that to? [ he holds up the page ]

Chad Kevin Jeremy: [ leaning into the microphone ] That's my sister's number.

Defense Attorney: Great. Great. Now, at 10:32, you sent the following to a different number: "Hey, you. Thinking about you, cutie. You still up?" Interesting. Now, uh, do you recognize that number? [ he holds up the page ]

Chad Kevin Jeremy: [ leaning into the microphone ] That's a girl I met at a bar.

Defense Attorney: Okay. Now at the end of that text, you put a semicolon and a Capital P. Now what did that represent?

Chad Kevin Jeremy: [ leaning into the microphone ] It's a face... like the face I was making at the time. Like I was winking, but I was also sticking my tongue out.

Defense Attorney: Mmm-hmm. I see. And could you make that face for the jury, please?

Chad Kevin Jeremy: [ leaning into the microphone ] Yes, I can. [ he tilts his head, winks, and sticks his tongue out ]

Defense Attorney: [ chuckling ] Not exactly the face of a man about to commit murder, is it?

Prosecuting Attorney: Your Honor... Your Honor, this is irrelevant!

Judge: I'll allow it.

Defense Attorney: Thank you, Your Honor. [ continuing ] Now, the following texts were all sent between 10:41 and 10:51 p.m. to various female recipients. We have: "You up?"... "Hey, you. What up?"... "You out?" Another one: "You out?" Another: "You out?" And, finally: "What are those big boobs of yours doing right now? Were these your texts?

Chad Kevin Jeremy: [ leaning into the microphone, embarrassed ] Yes, they were.

Defense Attorney: [ smiling ] Further proof that my client was in no mood for murder! Now, at 10:54, he texted: "Want some?", and he attached the following photo -- Defense admits Exhibit H, this cell phone photo. [ he holds up a blown-up photo of Jeremy sitting in boxer shorts while holding a banana between his legs ] Now, Chad... the banana is meant to represent...?

Chad Kevin Jeremy: [ leaning into the microphone ] A penis.

Defense Attorney: Whose penis?

Chad Kevin Jeremy: [ leaning into the microphone ] My penis.

Defense Attorney: And would you say this is... an accurate depiction?

Chad Kevin Jeremy: [ leaning into the microphone ] No, it is not.

Defense Attorney: And, uh, why is that?

Chad Kevin Jeremy: [ leaning into the microphone ] The banana is larger.

Judge: I was gonna say! [ he starts to chuckle ]

Defense Attorney: Yeah, yeah! Now, the recipient of the photo responded at 11:01: "Chad, you woke me and my fiancee. Don't text me any more." And you responded with one word, spelled "K-E-W-L." And that just means... No, how do you pronounce that word, actually?

Chad Kevin Jeremy: [ leaning into the microphone ] Kewl.

Defense Attorney: I see. And, uh... and that just means...?

Chad Kevin Jeremy: [ leaning into the microphone ] "Cool!"

Defense Attorney: But, again -- it's pronounced...?

Chad Kevin Jeremy: [ leaning into the microphone ] "Kee-ooh-ewl!"

Defense Attorney: Mmm-hmm. And, for the jury, one more time?

Chad Kevin Jeremy: [ leaning into the microphone ] "Kewl!"

Defense Attorney: Now, following that, my client, uh, sent out another series of texts, again, each one to a different female: "You up?"... "You out?"... "You up?"... "You out?"... "You out?"... "You out?"... "S'up?"

Judge: The guy casts a wide net, huh?

Defense Attorney: [ laughing ] And then, finally: "Hey, I'm probably the last guy on Earth you want to hear from right now, and you don't have to respond if you don't want to. Just know that you are loved."

Judge: Awwww...

Defense Attorney: [ laughing, as he pats the Judge's hand ] Now, on that last one, there was a colon followed by a lower case O. Could you make that face for the jury, please?

Chad Kevin Jeremy: [ leaning into the microphone ] Yes, sir. [ he raises his eyes up and makes an O-face ]

Defense Attorney: Understood. Now, at 11:08, you received this text: "Dear Wal-Mart Shopper, you won $1,000 gift card.", and you responded: "Who this?"... followed by: "You up?" So you're just kind of fishing for anything by that point, huh?

Chad Kevin Jeremy: [ leaning into the microphone ] That's correct.

Defense Attorney: Yeah. Now, moving on... at 11:21, you sent: "Feeling better, cutie?" And who was that sent to?

Chad Kevin Jeremy: [ leaning into the microphone ] A co-worker who was in a car accident.

Defense Attorney: Mmm-hmm. Now... did you meet up with her?

Chad Kevin Jeremy: [ leaning into the microphone ] No, sir. She was in a coma. It was a very bad car accident.

Defense Attorney: And, uh, did you know that when you sent the text?

Chad Kevin Jeremy: [ leaning into the microphone ] Yes, I did.

Judge: Euggghhhh...

Defense Attorney: Yeah, yeah... it's unbelievable. I know. It's alright, it's alright. Now, you sent her, uh, you sent her one more text that night. Would you mind reading that for the jury? [ he hands Jeremy the sheet ]

Chad Kevin Jeremy: [ leaning into the microphone ] "You going out after? Im having a beer near the hospital with some bros. Let me know if you wanna hook up. Hehe!"

Defense Attorney: Would you mind reading that last part again, please?

Chad Kevin Jeremy: [ leaning into the microphone ] "Hehe!"

Defense Attorney: I see. Sort of a child-like laughter. I understand. Were you laughing like that at the time?

Chad Kevin Jeremy: [ leaning into the microphone ] No, sir. I guess I was just being silly, yet sexy. You know, like: "Hee hee!" [ he tilts his head, winks, and sticks his tongue out ]

Prosecuting Attorney: Your Honor, none of this proves he was home all night!

Defense Attorney: Uh, well -- he was! And if these texts weren't enough to prove that, I would like to present my client's Internet search history from that evening. [ he holds up a separate sheet ]

Chad Kevin Jeremy: [ stunned, he leans into the microphone ] I'd rather just confess to the murder!

Defense Attorney: But... but you didn't do it! You didn't do it! So could you just read the, uh, to the jury the first thing you searched for there? [ he hands the sheet over ]

Chad Kevin Jeremy: [ leaning into the microphone ] "Elderly Butts."

Defense Attorney: Mmm-hmm.

Prosecuting Attorney: Yeah. The prosecution can't hear any more of this. We drop the charges.

Judge: [ amused ] Yeah, but I'd like to hear more! What's the next one?

Chad Kevin Jeremy: [ leaning into the microphone ] "Very Elderly Butts."

[ fade ]


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