Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 1












12a: Seth MacFarlane / Frank Ocean

Eastwood and Chair

Clint Eastwood.....Bill Hader Audience Member #1.....Bobby Moynihan
Audience Member #2.....Vanessa Bayer
Audience Member #3.....Tim Robinson
Audience Member #4.....Jay Pharoah
Audience Member #5.....Taran Killam

[ open on footage of audiences laughing ]

Announcer: Do you love cutting edge political satire? Do you like to laugh -- AND think?

[ cut to silhoette ]

Announcer: Then you absolutely CAN'T miss... [ the silhoette lights up, revealing... ] Clint Eastwood! [ Eastwood snarls ] ...and Chair! [ reveal a chair ]

[ cut to performance footage ]

Announcer: The comedy duo that ROCKED the Republican Convention is thaking their act on the road! [ reveal Eastwood with whoopie cushion on chair ] It's two full hours of high-wasted hijinx!

[ cut to Eastwood arguing with the chair ]

Clint Eastwood: What do you mean, "Shut up"? Why don't YOU shut up?! [ he laughs ] You want me to do what to myself? I don't think so, Bub! [ he laughs ] what?! No, no, you -- no, YOU go first! no, no, no -- YOU go first! Jinx!

[ cut to Eastwood throwing juggling pins at the chair ]

Announcer: No script! No set tour dates! No predetermined theaters! Just American legend Clint Eastwood performing one half of a conversation with an invisible, irritated, and foul-mouthed Barack Obama. It's the show audiences are giving a sitting ovation.

[ Eastwood pretends to sit on the invisible Obama ]

[ cut to Audience Member #1 ]

Audience Member #1: Oh, my god, I loved it ALL! Even the middle 45 minutes when it was JUST the chair on stage, while Clint stood in the back and ate a whole rotisserie chicken!

[ cut to Audience Members #2 and #3 ]

Audience Members #2 and #3: We give it... TWO PANTS UP!!

[ cut to Audience Member #4 ]

Audience Member #4: Man... what the fuck is that?!

[ cut to Eastwood initiating a wave with the chair ]

Announcer: And Obama isn't the only politician in the Hot Seat! Don't miss Clint taking it to Jimmy Carter!

Clint Eastwood: Nice work on those hostages! That turned out GREAT!

Announcer: Mayor Michael Bloomberg!

Clint Eastwood: Just let people eat soda!!

Announcer: And Chris Christie.

Clint Eastwood: I think we're gonna need a bigger chair! [ he laughs ]

Announcer: And, of course -- there's the music.

Clint Eastwood: [ singing ] "You say potato..." [ he holds the microphone over the chair ] "Potato!" [ he holds the microphone over the chair ] "Potato! Let's call the whole thing off!" Ladies and gentlemen -- Mr. Jon Voight! [ a desk chaier rolls forward ]

Announcer: It's "Eastwood and Chair"!

[ cut to Audience Member #5 ]

Audience Member #5: Whoop! Chair it is!

[ fade ]


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