Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 38: Episode 1

12a: Seth MacFarlane / Frank Ocean

Obama For America

President Barack Obama.....Jay Pharoah
Dan Whitehead.....Bill Hader
Raymond McCoy.....Kenan Thompson

[ open on President Barack standing in front of American flag, with SUPER: "Obama/Biden" ]

President Barack Obama: I'm Barack Obama, and I approved this message. Uhhhh... but I'm not real proud of it.

[ dissolve to Dan Whitehead testimonial ]

Dan Whitehead: I don't think Mitt Romney understands what he's done to people's lives by closing this plant. I don't think he even cares.

[ dissolve to Mitt Romney still photo ]

Announcer: [ over TEXT ] "Mitt Romney and Bain Capital made millions for themselves, and then closed this steel plant."

Dan Whitehead: Not long after I lost my job, my wife went in for major heart surgery... and Mitt Romney stopped by the hospital to tell us we no longer had health insurance. As he was talking, we could see he had a really bad cold. He was coughing and sneezing and everything, and I said to him, "My wife is SICK! Would you mind coering your mouth if you're going to be doing that>

[ dissolve to Mitt Romney still photo ]

Announcer: [ over TEXT ] "Mitt Romney didn't even have the decency to cover his mouth while sneezing."

Dan Whitehead: I mean, come on! My wife just had heart surgery, and now she's gonna get your cold, too?

[ dissolve to Mitt Romney still photo, with TEXT: "What a dick!" ]

[ Dan shakes his head ]

[ cut to Raymond McCoy ]

Raymond McCoy: After Bain Capital shut down the mill... I was out of work for a year.

[ dissolve to Mitt Romney still photo ]

Announcer: [ over TEXT ] "mitt romney and Bain Capital bought the textile mill where Raymond had worked for 18 years, then shut it down."

Raymond McCoy: It was really hard on my family. Finally, I got a job at a piano factory, at half my old salary. Then Bain bought that company, and I got laid off again. Next, I got work as a trucker. But then Bain came along, bought the trucking company, and then I lost that job, too. I then got hired part-time at an Orange Julius -- until Bain obtained THAT franchise and shut it down! now, not the whole company, you understand. Just that one store. And that's when I said to myself, "What the hell is going on here?" Finally, I got a job at a shoeshine stand... under an assumed name... working just for tips. But Bain somehow found out, bought the business, and moved it to China! That's when I knew! It's not a coincidence.

[ dissolve to Mitt Romney still photo ]

Announcer: [ over TEXT ] "Each time Raymond McCoy got a new job, Mitt Romney and Bain Capital would buy the company, apparently for the sole purpose of laying him off."

Dan Whitehead: Mitt Romney was there in the hospital room, where he kept insisting on shaking our hands, just to show there's no hard feelings and all of that. Then I noticed he had this... [ he taps his mouth ] cold sore.

[ dissolve to Mitt Romney still photo ]

Announcer: [ over TEXT ] "Mitt Romney probably gave Dan's wife herpes."

Dan Whitehead: I wonder does he ever think about other people? That's just so inconsiderate!

Announcer: [ over TEXT ] "Obama For America is responsible for the content of this adverisement."

[ fade ]

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