Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 2











12b: Joseph Gordon-Levitt / Mumford and Sons

Powers Realty

Burt Powers.....Tim Robinson
Blair Powers.....Nasim Pedrad
Carmine Powers.....Joseph Gordon-Levitt

[ open on TV advertisement screen of open-mouthed couple ]

Announcer: If you're looking for a home, look no further than Powers Realty.

[ dissolve to Burt and Blair Powers ]

Burt Powers: Hi! We're real estate team Burt and Blair Powers, from POWERS Realty!

Blair Powers: You've seen our ads around town.

Burt Powers: When you come to us and ask us to find the home of your dreams, WE! COME! THROUGH!

Blair Powers: But now, we have something to ask you.

Burt Powers: [ he sighs ] Please stop drawing butts and weiners on our advertisements!

Blair Powers: Please!

Burt Powers: You may not know it, but it hurts my feelings when I see my wife of twelve years going to town on a floating shaf and balls.

Blair Powers: We're trying to find you a home. Don't mar the experience by drawing the seeds of man splattered on my face. That's not fun!

Burt Powers: We know we are partially to blame. We took the pictures with our mouthes WIDE OPEN, as if to say... "Put something AWFUL in here!"

Blair Powers: Awful things, like: [ reveal montage of marred advertisements ] Big weiners. Little weiners. A squadron of tiny airplanes that are shaped like weiners. And my husband and I having an absurd conversation about our hunger for balls.

Burt Powers: Come on, folks! There's a time and a place for that!

Blair Powers: Nowhere and NEVER! So don't give my husband a black eye and then imply that he got being pistol-whipped by a ding-dong! First of all, don't... second of all, don't!

Burt Powers: Let's talk about our bus picture on 24th Street outside the Yogurt Land. That thing is a disaster!

Blair Powers: You know the one. It suggests that my husband poops gold coins and then those gold coins somehow find their way into my mouth and I enjoy them for dinner -- No, I don't!

Burt Powers: Don't do it!

Blair Powers: Don't do it! You're hurting our whole family. [ Teenager comes into position ] Meet our poor son, Carmine. He hates it!

Burt Powers: Tell them what you saw outside your school, Carm-Carm!

Carmine Powers: Yeah, I... well, I saw my Mom with poop on her head, Dad with a big foot, Mom with a weiner, Dad with a thought bubble that says "I'm coocoo for ponopuffs", Mom eating a fart, Dad eating a wang sandwich, And both of them playing Penis Tennis at Wimbledong.

Burt Powers: Folks, that was all on ONE billboard! What's wrong with YOU?!

[ in the background, Carmine proceeds to draw more weiners on his parents' poster ]

Burt Powers: So, if you want to take a ride to your dream home and, uh...

[ suddenly, time runs short and we dissolve straight to the night's final bumper ]

[ fade ]


SNL Transcripts