Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 3


















12c: Daniel Craig / Muse

A Sorry Lot We Are

Danny Gimps.....Daniel Craig
Raza.....Bill Hader
Rodney.....Bobby Moynihan
Waitress.....Kate McKinnon
Strange Guy.....Fred Armisen
Saucy Maggie.....Aidy Bryant
Man.....Tim Robinson

[ open on BBC program page ]

Announcer: You're watching BBC. At 10 p.m., it's the hilarious game show "I'm the Vicar, He's the Bishop"; at 9 p.m., it's "A resigned but Dignified look at Scottish Weather"; but, first, it's the Season 45 premiere of the beloved working class drama "A Sorry Lot We Are".

[ dissolve to rundown scenery, with title card and whistling soundtrack ]

[ dissolve to pub interior ]

[ Danny Gimps hangs his head in pity as his favorite sports team on TV loses ]

[ Raza and Rodney enter ]

Raza: What's wrong there, Danny?

Danny: Oh, I just lost a tenner on the match!

Rodney: But that's a replay of last week's match.

Danny: I know! I lost a FIVER on it last week! I was just trying to win me money back!

Raza: Aww, Danny. Come on. Let's have a pint.

[ they all sit at a table ]

Danny: So, Raza... what did the doctor say about your Mum?

Raza: I'm afraid it wasn't good news. Turns out, she's been dead for MONTHS.

Danny: Oh. She wasn't just looking out the window, then?

Raza: Oh, she was -- but she was DEAD.

Waitress: [ walking up ] Can I get you anything, Rodney?

Rodney: Uh -- fish pie with jam, please.

Waitress: Yes. And you, Raza?

Raza: I'll have a sliced tomato with some crushed cigarettes in it, love.

Waitress: Mmm-hmm. What about you, Danny?

Danny: No, I can't stay -- I'm on the job.

Waitress: Okay. [ she exits ]

Raza: You have a job now, do ya'?

Danny: That's right! Me luck's FINALLY turnin' 'round! You know, I never thought I'd work again after they closed the mine...

Raza and Rodney: Aye!

Danny: Then the mill...

Raza and Rodney: Aye!

Danny: Then the pitch...

Raza and Rodney: Aye!

Danny: Then the quarry...

Raza and Rodney: Aye!

Danny: Then the dirt hole...

Raza and Rodney: Aye!

Danny: Then the rubbish pile...

Raza and Rodney: Aye!

Danny: Then the Blockbusters...

Raza and Rodney: Aye!

Danny: But I think -- I think I'm gonna have this job for a long, long time.

Rodney: What job is it, then?

Danny: I'm working in the Information Kiosk at the Olympics!

Raza: Ohhhh, nooooo...! Have you not heard, Danny? They closed down the Olympics!

Danny: They didn't?!

Raza: They did! It was only ever gonna be for sixteen days.

Danny: Says who?!

Rodney: Well, says everyone, Danny! That's how the Olympics work.

Danny: Awwww... BOLLOCKS!! They've done it to me AGAIN!!

Rodney: It'll be alright, Danny. Look on the bright side -- you could DIE soon.

Danny: I can't keep holding on to THAT dream. What about me Olympic t-shirts? They've only just come back from the printers! [ he holds up a t-shirt that reads: "The Olympics Are Here Forever, Yeah?" ]

Raza: Ohhhhh, AWFUL, Danny!

Rodney: Oh, where'd you even get the money to pay for those?

Danny: I took out a loan!

Raza: Ohhhh, noooo...! A loan?! From who?

[ suddenly, a strange looking guy enters ]

Strange Guy: Well, well, well. Look at this sorry lot! What's this? A POOFTER convention?

Rodney: No, mate!

Strange Guy: Oh, it isn't? [ he removes a flyer from his jacket ] I'm looking for the Poofter Convention. It's at the Open Line Pub. Is that nearby?

Rodney: It's further down the road.

Strange Guy: Has it started yet?

Danny: What?

Strange Guy: THE POOFTER CONVENTION!!

Danny: I don't know.

Strange Guy: Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy! [ he rushes out ]

Raza: Oh, no! Don't look now, Danny -- Saucy Maggy just walked in.

Saucy Maggie: Ho, ho, ho, ho! Why, if it isn't my first love -- Little Danny Gimps -- all grown up!

Danny: How's the new baby, Maggie?

Saucy Maggie: Ohhh, haven't you heard? Turns out I wasn't pregnant at all -- I was just working on a FART! [ she laughs boisterously ] Ohhhh, I MISS you, Danny! oooohhhh, do ya' ever miss me? [ she rubs her chest ] Do ya' miss my personality? Do ya', Danny?

Danny: No, Maggie, I'm married now. I ove my wife -- even though she's stuck in a chimney.

Saucy Maggie: Ohhhh! I could make ya' feel reaaallll good!

Danny: No, Maggie!

Saucy Maggie: Alright... alright. But then, take one last look at what you're missing! [ she laughs boisterously, then exits the pub ]

Danny: [ to Raza ] I still love her, you know.

Raza: Yeah, I know... we know. We know.

Danny: What am I gonna do?

Raza: Don't worry, we'll do what we always do when thet take away our jobs: We'll put together an all-male strip show, or, worse comes to worse, we'll cash a dead man's lottery ticket,

Danny: No, no! This time, I want a job with DIGNITY!

[ suddenly, a man enters ]

Man: Hi there! Hi there! Have you heard the good news?

Danny: What?!

Man: There's been another pedophile scandal! The cops need to hire an extra bloke for the line-up, for the wee ones to point at! One cent, one hour, one time only!

Danny: Oh, our luck has changed! Let's go! [ he and Raza stand up, as Rodney remains seated ] Come on, pal! Do you want to be in the pedophile line-up?

Rodney: Eh -- no.

[ they all raise their glasses ]

All: To the Queen!

[ freeze-frame with title slide ]

[ fade ]


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