Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 38: Episode 3

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12c: Daniel Craig / Muse

Weekend Update with Seth Meyers

.....Seth Meyers
Big Bird.....Carol Spinney
Cecilia Giminez.....Kate McKinnon

Announcer: "Weekend Update", with Seth Meyers.

Seth Meyers: Good evening! I'm Seth Meyers, and here are tonight's top stories.

Well, you have to hand it to Mitt Romney -- because President Obama sure did.

Many political experts were surprised that during Wednesday's debate, President Obama failed to mention Mitt Romney's infamous 47% comment. Obama elected to take the high road, forgetting that that road leads to building houses with Jimmy Carter.

During Wednesday's debate, Mitt Romney said that, even though he likes Big Bird, if elected, he would stop the subsidy to PBS. It's a surprising threat, considering that "Mitt" is such an excellent Muppet name.

Romney went on to say that if elected, he would no longer borrow money from China to pay for PBS. China funds PBS? I guess that explains why this week's "Sesame Street" was brought to you by the letter this: [ image: Chinese symbol ]

According to Nielson numbers, more than 70 million people watched Wednesday's debate either on TV, online, or from one of the podiums.

Seth Meyers: The general consensus from Wednesday night's debate was that Mitt Romney was the winner and Barack Obama was the loser. But there were other winners and losers that night -- which means that it's time for "Winners and Losers"!

[ title card appears ]

Loser: Moderator Jim Lehrer. He was like a ghost visiting a scene from his past life. "Hello? Mr. President? Governor Romney? Can't anyone hear me?!" Just helplessly waving his arms, trying to get their attention -- he looked like an out-of-towner trying to hail a cab at rush hour! When you're dealing with two people who want to be the Most Powerful Man on Earth, you can't sit ther stammering like Hugh Grant in a rom-com. [ stammering ] "Gentlemen, we absolutely... we must... we must move on!" Also, Jim -- you gotta keep the guys to time. If that's how long you think two minutes is, your wife is a lucky woman.

Winner: Fox News. When that thing ended, you guys must have looked at each other and said, "I think we can report this one exactly as it happened." When I turned over to your post-debate coverage, I expected to see Sean Hannity getting a Gatorade shower!

Loser: Michelle Obama. It must be hard to watch your husband take a beating like that on your anniversary. You went in there thinking you were with Blaine... but you went home with Duckie.

Winner: "Downton Abbey". Mitt Romney thinks we're spending too much money on PBS, but he goes after Big Bird instead of you guys? Your set is the nicest house in ENGLAND! Big Bird has lived on the same city street for 43 years! He has friends who already live in garbage!

Winner: People with Pre-existing Medical Conditions. Romney defended his health care plan, claiming that, like ObamaCare, it will take care of you.

Loser: People with Pre-existing Medical Conditionsm because, you know... he's not telling the truth!

Biggest Winner: AMERICA! Is there anything more exciting than Joe Biden thinking it's up to him to get the lead back? It's TiVo time! There's, like, a 50% chance he's gonna come out at the next debate with his shirt off! He's probably covering himself with animal fat right now so he can make himself harder to grab!

Biggest Loser: Joe Biden's staff. "Mr Vice-President, you have to take it down, like, a million per cent, and put your shirt back on!"

Announcer: [ over title slide ] This has been... "Winners and Losers".

Seth Meyers: In an interview promoting his new tell-all, Arnold Schwarzenegger said his marriage to Maria Shriver fell apart because of him, and that he hopes to one day win her back. And what better way to win back her love back than to write a book about all the times you tricked her?

This Sunday marks the 5th annual New Jersey Zombie Walk. So if you see someone with dead, lifeless eyes trudging around New Jersey, ask them where you can find the Zombie Walk.

Seth Meyers: During the Presidential debate Wednesday night, Gov. Mitt Romney said he would end the subsidies to PBS, adding, "I like PBS. I like Big Bird." Here now to comment -- Big Bird! [ Big Bird appear to thunderous applause ] Here he is! Thank you for coming, Big Bird!

Big Bird: Well, thanks fo having me, Mr. Meyers! [ he yawns ]

Seth Meyers: Why are you yawning? Are you bored already?

Big Bird: No, no. It's just that it's, like, seven hours past my bedtime.

Seth Meyers: That's okay, I should have thought of that. So, Big Bird -- How did you find out your name had been mentioned in the debate?

Big Bird: Oh, I got a million Tweets.

Seth Meyers: Oh, okay! So youíre on Twitter?

Big Bird: No! Iím a bird! Tweeting is how we talk.

Seth Meyers: Okay!

Big Bird: Uh -- What's a Twitter?

Seth Meyers: Oh, uh -- it's kinda, like, hard to explain. I wouldn't know how to, uh... go about it.

Big Bird: Oh, well, uh... ha ha! I was just kidding. I know what a Twitter is!

Seth Meyers: okay.

Big Bird: Sesame Street has Wi-Fi!

Seth Meyers: Oh, well! Thart's a pretty big deal. So, Big Bird, has the mention at the debate affected you at all?

Big Bird: Oh, it has! I feel like Iím famous now. I was walking down the street the other day, and I felt like everybody recognized me!

Seth Meyers: Okay.

Big Bird: Itís so weird to think that just a few days ago, I could just blend in like every other perfectly normal 8-foot-tall talking bird.

Seth Meyers: Yeah, that must be very hard for you. So, before you go, do you have any political statement you'd like to make?

Big Bird: No. I-I don't want to ruffle any feathers. But -- but I do have a political joke. Can I tell it?

Seth Meyers: Yeah, of course!

Big Bird: Okay. [ he clears his throat ] You're gonna love it!

Seth Meyers: I can't wait!

Big Bird: Do you know who loves de-bates?

Seth Meyers: Who?

Big Bird: De-fishes!

Seth Meyers: Oh, yeah.

Big Bird: Yeah, 'cause fish eat bait!

Seth Meyers: Yeah, no -- I get it.

Big Bird: It's a thinker.

Seth Meyers: [ laughing ] It is a thinker! Big Bird, everyone!

Big Bird: Thank you!

Seth Meyers: So -- so tall!

A growing number of dairy farmers in the Midwest are dealing with the rising price of corn by feeding their cows candy such as marshmallows and gummy worms. Of course, it's a nightmare when it's time to get those cows to go to bed. [ image: caffeineated cow ]

A new company has begun selling plaques for gravestones that contain QR codes, allowing visitors to the grave site to scan the code and be sent to a webpage about the deceased. Though I don't think it's a good idea for the webpage to have a comments section. [ image: words "R.I.P. Loser!" ]

The MGM Grand Hotel in Las Vegas has created a series of new "StayWell" rooms designed to promote a healthy way of living, including Vitamin infused showers, antimicrobial coatings on furniture and extra soundproofing. "I'll take it!" said a murderer.

A new device is being tested that sends farmers a text message when their dairy cows are in heat. Disturbingly, the text reads "Hey, you up?"

Pennsylvania police arrested a woman who allegedly had hidden 36 glass vials of cocaine in her vagina. Police became suspicious when she walked by them and it sounded like someone adjusting a chandelier.

Veterinarians are saying they have seen a rise in the number of incidents of dogs being stoned in places where medical marijuana is legal. And there's nothing sadder than a normally energetic dog just sitting there, staring at his own paw.

Seth Meyers: A woman from Borja, Spain, who some say ruined a famous painting, has hired a lawyer. Cecilia Giminez was asked to restore "Ecce Homo", a painting of Jesus that started out like this... [ image of original painting ] and was repainted like this. [ image: altered painting ] And now she's seeking a cut of the profits. Here to explain is the artist herself -- Cecilia Giminez.

Cecilia Giminez: [ proudly ] Everybody love-a my painting! Now give me my money!

Seth Meyers: [ laughing ] Well, now, it wasn't that your painting has been a hit, tourists from all over the world are coming to see it, making the Church tens of thousands of dollars... but most people would say that you ruined it.

Cecilia Giminez: I no ruin it! Here -- [ she picks up her painting ] It look good! Why everybody so mad at me? Everybody so angry! Now I want-a my money! I have to buy-a wine!

Seth Meyers: [ laughing ] Okay, so I have to ask: Did someone give you permission to try and fix this painting in the first place?

Cecilia Giminez: Of course-a, Seth! I have-a permission from Jesus! It's-a more ACCURATE now, Demon-Man!

Seth Meyers: Wait -- you got permission from Jesus?

Cecilia Giminez: Yes! Seth Jesus, he came to me in a dream. And Jesus, he look at me with his-a enormous round-a monkey face. And-a poor Jesus, Jesus had-a broken his-a arm. And-a he was-a wrapped up in a little jelly-roll scroll.

Seth Meyers: Alright, so you're saying Jesus looks like your painting?

Cecilia Giminez: Yes! Oh, Seth, he was-a so beautiful! He had-a beautiful hair, and it became a big-a scarf. It was a scarf made of hair, and it wrapped around his-a little brown, expressionless face. And then, he looked at-a me with-a dead, black eyes!

Seth Meyers: [ laughing ] He had black eyes?

Cecilia Giminez: I know, I know... I was surprised as you! It was such a rabid eye, Seth! I said, "Jesus, why you look like a shark?" And Jesus say, "I think it look cool!" I say, "Okay! They're going to say I'm a bad painter, but okay!" And Jesus say -- he give a little laugh, like this... [ she holds up her nose ] 'Cause he cannot-a breathe, with his-a little nose. Between you and me, Seth, I think he had some work done. I don't ask him, no, it's not my place.

Seth Meyers: Have you ever painted before?

Cecilia Giminez: I paint-a all the time, Seth! I do a painting of you. You are so handsome!

Seth Meyers: Oh! Thank you!

Cecilia Giminez: You look-a like the most handsome man I see in so long! You're-a tiny, pointy skunk nose...

Seth Meyers: No, no...

Cecilia Giminez: You-re-a melting eyes...

Seth Meyers: No, that doesn't seem right to me...

Cecilia Giminez: Your entire moustache starts here, and it goes all the way up and-a around your head like a black aura, I see!

Seth Meyers: Yeah, the problem is you don't even see things the same.

Cecilia Giminez: I already fixed you, Seth! Here you are! [ she holds up a painting that looks nothing like Seth ]

Seth Meyers: Oh, yeah. No, I don't think that's right.

Cecilia Giminez: Oh, it's perfect, yes? Now give me my money!

Seth Meyers: Alright! Cecilia Giminez, everybody! For "Weekend Update", I'm Seth Meyers! Good night!

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