Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 5




























12e: Bruno Mars

Donkey Punch The Ballot

DJ Supersoak.....Jason Sudeikis
Lil' Blaster.....Nasim Pedrad
MC George Castanza.....Jay Pharoah
Ass Dan.....Bobby Moynihan
Butt Dave.....Bobby Moynihan
Ruth Bader Ginsburg.....Kate McKinnon
Troy Kamanawana.....Bruno Mars

[ open on fiery graphics ]

Announcer: Under-Underground Records is BAAAAAACK!!

[ cut to DJ Supersoak and Lil' Blaster ]

DJ Supersoak: What up, yo! I'm DJ Supersoak!

Lil' Blaster: And I'm Lil' Blaster!

DJ Supersoak: And, believe it or not, it's already time to elect a NEW-ASS president, yo!

Lil' Blaster: WHOO WHOO!! And we're comin' art you with a special POLITICAL Underground Festival! It's called...

Announcer: Donkey Punch The Ballot!

[ cut to DJ Supersoak and Lil Blaster ]

DJ Supersoak: With performances from ALL the hottest political rappin' rock bands!

Announcer: There's gonna be... GEORGE W'S BUSH! VEIN CRAPITAL! TODD AKIN AND THE LEGITIMATE RAPES! RAGE GAINST THE MACHINE COVER BAND: IRRITATED AT THE PRINTER! And SIXPENCE NONE THE RICHER!

[ explosion ]

DJ Supersoak: But donkey Punch is ALSO about helping people! Here to tell you more is my son -- MC George Castanza!

[ cut to MC George Castanza ]

MC George Castanza: Yo! Nowadays, old people got trouble votin', yo! [ he makes a squeaky sound ] So we got a NEW charity! It's called...

Announcer: MAKE OLD PEOPLE THINK THEY VOTED!!

MC George Castanza: Yeah! So give us all the old people you know... [ he makes a squeaky sound, then a dinosaur roar ] or we'll give you:

Announcer: A FIST TO THE TAINT!!

Lil' Blaster: I like that!

DJ Supersoak: And you know we got some FRESH-ASS special guests for y'all!

Lil' Blaster: See if you can pick Jon Huntsman out of a line-up of Sears catalog models! [ show line-up ] And you KNOW we got the WHOLE Fox News Team in the house -- except for O'Reilly, Hannity, van Susteren, Huckabee and ?? [Smears?]

Announcer: [ over blacked-out group photo ] WE GOT CAVUTO!!

[ DJ Supersoak and Lil Blaster fist-bump ]

Lil Blaster: Ha ha!

DJ Supersoak: Yeah!

[ wipe to DJ Supersoak ]

DJ Supersoak: Yo! You can watch the emotional display as our good friend, Ass Dan, is finally reunited with his twin -- Butt Dave.

[ cut to Ass Dan and Butt Dave sitting in front of a van ]

Ass Dan: Yo, Butt! [ he starts weping ] There is something I've ALWAYS wanted to ask you! Why...?

[ freeze-frame, with SUPER: "Ass Dan, 1981-2012" ]

Ass! Yo! There's something wrong with my broth...!

[ freeze-frame, with SUPER: "Butt Dave, 1981-slightly later in 2012" ]

[ cut to Lil' Blaster ]

Lil' Blaster: Plus: We got TONS of activities that'll leave you feeling SORE and HUMILIATED!

DJ Supersoak: The re-enactment of the Lincoln-Douglas Debates -- by Linkin Park and Buster Douglas!

Lil' Blaster: And you can challenge Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg to a Borat Impression-Off!

[ cut to Ruth Bader Ginsurg ]

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: My wife. She is... prostitute.

[ Ginsburg looks around helpessly, then explodes ]

Lil' Blaster V/O: Then, hire a girl for your company -- from our BINDERS FULL OF WOMEN! And here's the best part about THESE ladies:

Announcer: THEY'RE DUDES!!

[ cut to DJ Supersoak and Lil Blaster ]

DJ Supersoak: Sample our HOMEMADE salami, and see if you can guess the secret ingredient! Here's a hint:

Announcer: It's ANN ROMNEY'S HORSE!

DJ Supersoak: I told you to say RAFALCA, Bitch!

Lil' Blaster: do a job interview with Herman Cain!

Announcer: BRING A CONDOM!!

DJ Supersoak: And the entire festival's laid out by Apple Maps -- so you don't know the FUCK where anything is!

Lil' Blaster: All this, plus get a Fake I.D. made by our Hawaiian buddy -- Troy Kamanawana!

[ cut to Troy standing in front of American flag ]

Troy Kamanawana: Hey! How's it? Are you from Africa? Would you like to be the President of the United States? Shoots! I'll hook you up with one MEAN Hawaiian birth certificate! All you gotta do is SMOKE ME OUT... or TOUCH MY NUTS! [ he yells something unintelligible ]

[ return to DJ Supersoak ]

DJ Supersoak: And you KNOW we got CRACKED OUT ELEPHANTS AND DONKEYS FUCKING ALL OVER THIS BITCH!!!

Lil' Blaster V/O: Donkey Punch The Ballot takes place ONLY -- where else?

Announcer: a KFC IN SYRIA!!

[ explosion ]

Announcer: See you ninjas there!!

[ fade ]


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