Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 5
























12e: Bruno Mars

Merryville Haunted Castle

Kelly.....Vanessa Bayer
Peter.....Jay Pharoah
Robots.....Taran Killam, Bruno Mars, Bill Hader, Tom Hanks
Repairman.....Bobby Moynihan

[ open on exterior footage of amusement park ]

[ dissolve to interior, Merry-Go-Trolley ride, as a couple rolls through ]

Kelly: Peter, you promise this isn't going to be too scary? I hate haunted houses.

Peter: [ chuckling ] Come on, Kelly. The Merryville Haunted Castle is a kid's ride. Nothing's gonna happen. [ a beat ] BOO!! [ he chuckles ]

Kelly: Peter, DON'T do that!

Peter: I'm sorry, Sweetie. Hey, look. [ he points ] It's the Merryville Brothers!

[ two Merry-Go-Brother robots rise with horns and a tambourine to perform in an eerie manner ]

Jingle: "Ghosts and ghouls and spooky fools will terrify your dreams! You can't escape the scary fate of a Merryville Halloween!"

[ third robot rises to bang a triangle with a collective "BOO-OO-OO!!", then they all lower back behind the wall ]

Peter: [ laughing ] Those guys crack me up!

Kelly: Well, they creep me out.

Peter: Okay, Miss Scaredy-Pants.

[ suddenly, the ride shorts out ]

Kelly: What was that?

Peter: I don't know.

[ Repairman enters ]

Repairman: Hey -- sorry, folks. We're just having a little texchnical issue with the generator. But, don't worry -- [ he shines the flashlight in his face ] We'll... take... good CARRRRE... of you![ he laughs maniacally ] Okay, hang tight!

[ he exits ]

Kelly: That was weird. Why did he do that?

Peter: Baby, it's fine, okay?

[ suddenly, the two Merry-Go-Brother robots rise again and perform in an eerie manner ]

Kelly: Oh, no...

Jingle: "Ghosts and ghouls and spooky fools will terrify your dreams! You can't escape the scary fate of a Merryville Halloween!"

[ third robot rises to bang a triangle with a collective "BOO-OO-OO!!", then they all stare at the couple ]

Kelly: [ uneasy ] Why are they staring at us?

Peter: Babe, how can they stare at us? They're not even -- they're robots! Come on!

Kelly: Okay, that one's smoking.

[ reveal second robot holding a lit cigarette ]

Peter: [ scoffing ] He's probably on break, okay? Hey! Hey! [ he tosses popcorn at the robots ] Get out of here!

Kelly: Don't do that! You're gonna make them mad! You're gonna -- you're gonna make them MAD right now, okay?

[ the first robots points at Peter, then runs his finger across his neck as all three robots lower back behind the wall ]

Kelly: [ freaking out ] Oh, my God! Did you see that?!

Peter: Yeahhhh. They went down. The ride's probably fixed.

[ suddenly, the two Merry-Go-Brother robots rise again, armed with knives, and perform in an eerie manner, reaching out to almost touch the couple ]

Jingle: "Ghosts and ghouls and spooky fools will terrify your dreams! You can't escape the scary fate of a Merryville Halloween!"

Kelly: Oh, my God! They're trying to KILL US!!

Peter: I -- I -- I don't see it!

Kelly: They have WEAPONS!!

[ third robot rises while revving up a chainsaw, as the robots sing a collective "BOO-OO-OO!!", then they all stare at the couple ]

Kelly: [ freaking out ] Okay, you know what?! That's ENOUGH!! We have to get out of here!

Peter: Baby, you're getting paranoid.

Kelly: Oh, my God! Your name is on that tombstone!

Peter: Peter is a common name.

Kelly: Okay -- well, it's also got your picture!

[ reveal tombstone with Peter's face on it ]

Repairman: Okay, folks, we're getting real close on fixing the ride.

Kelly: Okay, hurry up! They're trying to kill ME and MY BOYFRIEND!

Peter: [ holding his hands up ] Whoa, whoa, whoa... boyfriend? Hey, slow down, we just having fun.

Repairman: [ chuckling ] Ma'am, I assure you -- there is nothing to be nervous about. I have worked here for a very long time, and --

[ suddenly, he gasps and falls over, a butcher knife lodged in his spine ]

[ suddenly, the two Merry-Go-Brother robots rise again ]

Kelly: Oh, my God!

Jingle: "Ghosts and ghouls and spooky fools will terrify your dreams! You can't escape the scary fate of a Merryville Halloween!"

Kelly: Oh, my God, there's ANOTHER one!

[ a fourth robot appears behind the couple, brandishing pruning shears, then three of the robots lurch toward the couple ]

Kelly: Oh, no! I - just -- what do we do?

[ the robots pull Peter from the ride ]

Kelly: Oh, my God! What do we do? Don't let them take you!

Peter: I'll meet you outside!

Kelly: Don't let them take you!

[ the fourth robot sits next to Kelly ]

Kelly: Oh, my God! oh! [ she smiles ] You know what? I know I should be scared... but you have a very lovable face.

Fourth Merryville Brother: I... get that... a lot! [ his hand reaches over to cup her breast ]

Kelly: [ trying to stop him ] Okay!

[ the ride continues down its track, as the camera pans away and a bloody "THE END" superimposes onto the screen with the jingle ]

[ fade ]


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