Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 5


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12e: Bruno Mars

Weekend Update with Seth Meyers

.....Seth Meyers
Stefon.....Bill Hader

Announcer: "Weekend Update", with Seth Meyers.

Seth Meyers: Good evening, I'm Seth Meyers! Here are tonight's top stories:

This Tuesday was the second Presidential debate. Said President Obama, "Second?? Oh, crap!"

A new Gallup poll shows that Mitt Romney now has a 7 point lead on President Obama. That's right -- Romney leads by 7 points among people who still answer landline calls from a blocked number. Those people!

Both Republicans and Democrats are saying that Latino voters will decide who wins in three key states: Colorado, Florida and Nevada. Or, as the candidates are now calling them: [ in Spanish accent ] Colorado, Florida y Nevada. Bueno! Bueno!

A new poll shows that mitt Romney has a massive 22 point lead over President Obama among rural voters in battleground states. Rural voters say they can't really put their finger on it... but there's something about Romney that just seems right... probably just a feeling. [ split-screen photos of Romney and Obama slowly jump to close-ups of their skin ] Just a feeling!

Reality TV star Honey Boo Boo, this week, endorsed President Obama during an appearance on "The Jimmy Kimmel Show". I knew Obama was pro-birth control, but I didn't know birth control was pro-Obama.

During a debate Wednesday between New York Senator Kirsten Gillibrand and her opponent Wendy Long, moderators asked both women if they had read "Fifty Shades of Grey". Even worse, the follow up question was, [ slyly ] "...to each other?"

Seth Meyers: The third and final Presidential Debate is Monday ight in Boca Raton, Florida. With the race dead-even, both candidates are looking for a performance that will shift the momentum in their favor. We thought we'd help out with a few "Debate Dos and Don'ts".

[ title card appears ]

Alright, here we go! Do: Speak loudly and clearly. You're in Boca Raton, Florida. Their city motto is: "Say It In My Good Ear."

Don't keep telling us stories about people you mt at your rally who happen to agree with your positions. That's like Bret Michaels saying, "At my last concert, someone yelled "Poison Rules!""

Mr. President, this one's just for you: Don't mention killing Osama bin Laden any more. It was great and all, but Americans have a short attention span. At this point, saying you killed bin Laden is like saying you won the second season of "American Idol".

And, Obama: Do talk down to the American people. Stop assuming we know the issues as well as you. Most of us are dummies. Haldf the country thinks ObamaCare is who we call when our iPad stops working.

Mitt Romney: Do mention that you saved the Olympics, but Don't mention that it was the Winter Olympics. The Summer Olympics are a grand spectacle of sport; the Winter Olympics is just 48 different kinds of sliding.

Don't smile so much. Your normal facial expression already looks like you're shaming a waiter. When you smile, it looks like you're about to tell your dad it's time to move into a home -- and remember, you're in Boca.

Also, TV networks: Don't televise the post-debate stage hugs and milling about. It looks like the lights just came on at America's most boring nightclub.

Announcer: This has been "Dos and Don'ts".

Seth Meyers: Residents of Brooklyn who live near the new Barclays Center are complaining that large numbers of people have been urinating on the streets and behind buildings after Brooklyn Nets games -- and also for the last 200 years.

New research shows that giving teenage girls HPV vaccinations does not encourage them to have sex. "Then what does?" said teenage boys. "What does?"

A plan has been proposed for a new bridge across the Seine River in Paris that would be made out of trampolines. And the only way that could go wrong is immediately.

A professor at the University of New Mexico has developed a dissolvable mouth strip that can relieve the pain caused when a person burns the top of their mouth eating pizza. Finally, a scientific alternative to waiting a minute. Just wait a minute! One minute!

Seth Meyers: Well, it's almost Halloween in New York City, which means millions of tourists will be heading here to see what fun the Big Apple has to offer. Here with some tips on what they should check out, is our City Correspondent -- Stefon!

Stefon: Hi! I'm Stefon. [ he holds out his hand to Seth ]

Seth Meyers: Yeah, I know! Okay, Stefon -- Halloween. Always a big deal in New York. So, why don't you tell us about some of the best spots for people to check out?

Stefon: Yes. If you need to get a spot checked out, I know just the place for you. New York's hottest club is... [ deep-voiced ] Jelly Bones! Located on the Lower Upper Side... this random home invasion is the creation of legally-drunk clothing designer Nick Nolte and Gabana. As you walk in, you'll be handed a glass of champagne -- or is it piss? [ he covers his mouth ] Needless to say, this place has EVERYTHING: Slurpies, Mushmouthes, Litterbugs... Don't worry about security, because it's guarded by an army of hobo-cops.

Seth Meyers: Hobo-cops?

Stefon: Homeless Robocops! [ he covers his mouth ]

Seth Meyers: Look, Stefon, that sounds like a kind of heavy-duty scene. I was, you know, just looking for something a little more traditional.

Stefon: Mmm-hmm...!

Seth Meyers: You know, uh... you know what? Maybe this will help keep it on track. Why don't you walk us through whart you will do on Halloween?

Stefon: Uh -- what I do on Halloween? Uh, starting when?

Seth Meyers: Well, let's say... seven at night.

Stefon: 7 p.m. Okay. Sooo... I wake up... I go home... I take a shower... [ he mimes this act ] Now, my dog -- Bark Ruffalo -- probably hasn't eaten yet, so I feed him...

Seth Meyers: Yeah, but where do you go when you go out?

Stefon: Ohhh, right. I'll tell you what... New York's hottest Halloween party is: [ he cowers down and growls twice ] Located in an abandoned white fish factory in Little Israel... this place is gonna have EVERYTHING: Ghosts, ghouls, goblins... my son! [ he covers his mouth ] On the dance floor, you'll find both guys from Wham! wearing a two-man horse costume. Spoiler alert: They're both in the back. And there's a special guest. Have you heard of Blacula, the Black Dracula?

Seth Meyers: Yes!

Stefon: Well, they have a Jewish Dracula.

Seth Meyers: Oh. What's his name?

Stefon: Sidney Appelbaum! [ he cracks up and covers his face with his hands ]

Seth Meyers: Sidney Appelbaum?

Stefon: [ cracking up ] Yes! [ he continues to crack up, then finally composes himself ] For a healthy snack, hit the bar and have some Fraisins -- raisins that look like Frasier! Or try your luck with the Human Pinata.

Seth Meyers: And what is the Human Pinata?

Stefon: It's that thing of when a Mexican midget eats a lot of candy, and then he dances until he throws up! [ he covers his face with his hands ]

Seth Meyers: You know, uh, Stefon... I think "midget" is actually an outdated term.

Stefon: Sorry. Not "midget" -- [ making finger quotes" "Fun-sized"! [ he covers his face with his hands ]

Seth Meyers: Stefon... I was looking for something more WHOLESOME for Halloween. You know, a haunted house or a place to hear ghost stories.

Stefon: Oh, I know a story with a ghost in it!

Seth Meyers: Is it a Halloween-related story?

Stefon: Yes'm!

Seth Meyers: Okay.

Stefon: Can I have the lights down, please? [ the lights dim ] Oooooohhhhhh! "A long, long, long time ago -- like, say... six minutes ago -- there was once an old house. And in that house, there lived an old gay man that people called Slimerrrrr!"

Seth Meyers: Why did they call him "Slimer"?

Stefon: [ as the lights pot up ] Well, if you recall in the film "Ghostbusters", Slimer was able to hold -- shall we say? -- multiple hot dogs in his mouth at one time!

Seth Meyers: Oh, I understand it! Stop! I understand it -- stop!

Stefon: If you understood, you wouldn't want it to stop!

Seth Meyers: I do understand, and I DO want it to stop! I DO understand... and I DO want it to stop!

Stefon: Alright!

Seth Meyers: I understand; YOU don't understand!

Stefon: Good -- no, I FULLY understand!

Seth Meyers: Now, I know thart you have tried your best, Stefon, and I just want to thank you for sharing those Halloween tips, buddy.

Stefon: Don't you want to hang out on Halloween?

Seth Meyers: You know what? I do. I'll pick you up at 7:00. Where do you live?

Stefon: You know the Radio Shack at 23rd and 7th?

Seth Meyers: Yes!

Stefon: I live in a garbage can.

Seth Meyers: Stefon, everybody! For "Weekend Update", I'm Seth Meyers! Good night!


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