Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 38: Episode 6

12f: Louis C.K. / fun.


Abraham Lincoln.....Louis C.K.
Freedman Jones.....Kenan Thompson
Mary Todd Lincoln.....Aidy Bryant
Freedman Jenkins.....Jay Pharoah

[ open on Freedman Jones sitting in a tavern, as Abraham Lincoln enters and sits next to him ]

Abraham Lincoln: [ to the bartender ] Can I get a coffee?

[ the bartender hands Lincoln a coffee in a pewter mug ]

Abraham Lincoln: Thank you. [ glancing at Jones ] Hey.

Freedman Jones: [ disinterested ] Mmm-hmm.

Abraham Lincoln: How's it going? You going -- it's going good, huh?

Freedman Jones: I'm sorry?

Abraham Lincoln: It's just, uh... you know, you're all emancipated. It's good, right? I'm, uh...

Freedman Jones: I know who you are.

Abraham Lincoln: Oh? Okay. Oh. I just...

Freedman Jones: [ standing ] Hey! Everybody? Hey! I just want to thank --

Abraham Lincoln: No, no...

Freedman Jones: President Lincoln here for, uh... for everything that he's done for me! Especially my NEW job -- of shoveling HORSE SHIT... into a wagon!

[ Lincoln appears stung ]

Freedman Jones: [ sitting ] Is that what you want?

Abraham Lincoln: I-I just don't... I don't have any...

Freedman Jones: You don't have any...?

Abraham Lincoln: Black friends.

Freedman Jones: [ to the bartender, as he stands to leave ] He's gonna pay for this. [ to Lincoln ] Hard to be you!

[ cut to "Lincoln" theme song, "Louie, Louie, Louie..." lyrics replaced with "Lincoln, Lincoln, Lincoln..." ]

[ Lincoln runs up a subway platform ]


[ Lincoln runs into a calzone shop ]


[ as he eats his calzone, a passerby gives Lincoln the middle finger ]


[ Lincoln heads into the Comedy Cellar ]


[ cut to Lincoln performing a stand-up routine ]

Abraham Lincoln: The one thing I'm really tired of... is... arguing with slave owners about slavery. As if they're not just fucking assholes! Like that's realllly hard. And they're like, "Oh! But I like owning people!" "Yeah, no, no... I get it. I totally get that." Like you gotta act like you're kinda cool with it. "No, look -- if I could own a couple of dudes, I'd LOVE to own a couple of dudes! I totally get it." You gotta act like this is... like a 50-50 issue. You know, I just kinda think... that owning a person... is NOT cool, you stupid dick!

[ cut to Lincoln at home with Mary Todd ]

Mary Todd Lincoln: Do you have the tickets?

Abraham Lincoln: Yeah, I have the tickets.

Mary Todd Lincoln: Okay. Well, don't just "Yeah, I have the tickets." Like, I don;t wnt to show up and then not have the tickets.

Abraham Lincoln: I HAVE them! I mean, they're gonna let us in. It's fine.

Mary Todd Lincoln: Okay. Well... I'm just saying, I don't want to get there, and then they just won't let us in without a ticket...

Abraham Lincoln: They'll let us in! They'll let us in! I'm the PRESIDENT!

Mary Todd Lincoln: Oh. Okay. So, then, they'll just give you special treatment because you're "The President". Like, when does it stop, you know?

Abraham Lincoln: It stops AT the President! Okay? If you're the President -- or higher -- you get in stuff, tickets or not! Everybody else, no; me, yes!

[ cut to Lincoln performing a stand-up routine ]

Abraham Lincoln: I'm married now. My wife is, uh... is crazy. Literally... historically insane. One thing I'm really sure of... is that somebody’s gonna murder me. I just KNOW... I'm totally getting murdered! This is not even a question. Like when they murder me -- whoever murders me -- when I get murdered... it's just gonna say: "It Happened!" And you're just gonna know what "It" is. And then, I don't... you know who I feel bad for? The detective who has to try to solve my murder. Because they're gonna go, "Let's see, who might... who might have done it? Oh, I don't know -- everybody from the middle of the country down? Maybe they... maybe one of them did it." Maybe they had a motive, like I ruined the way they do EVERYTHING?

[ fade to black ]


[ return to Lincoln sitting in the tavern, this time with JP ]


Abraham Lincoln: Hey, uh... it's cold, huh?

"Unit Production Manager

First Assistant Director

Second Assistant

Abraham Lincoln: Lordy...

Freedman Jenkins: Hey, so no one's SHOT you yet?

"Original Music by

Abraham Lincoln: [ stung ] No. no, not yet.

[ fade ]

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