Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 38: Episode 7

12g: Anne Hathaway / Rihanna


Suspect.....Fred Armisen
David Estes.....Kenan Thompson
Saul Berenson.....Bill Hader
Nicolas Brody.....Taran Killam
Carrie Mathison.....Anne Hathaway
Dana Brody.....Nasim Pedrad

[ open on Showtime graphics ]

[ dissolve to "Homeland" opening graphics ]

[ dissolve to set ]

David Estes: [ glancing at monitor ] There he is: Abu Nazirís number two in custody. Good work, Saul.

Saul Berenson: Well, if we're handing out mazel tovs, we couldnít have done it without Brody.

Nicolas Brody: [ mumbling ] Happy to help.

David Estes: I-Iím sorry, what?

Nicolas Brody: Happy to help.

David Estes: Yes, itís your mouth, it's so small, itís hard to get the words.

Nicolas Brody: Happy... to... help...

David Estes: Saul, I want you to do the interrogation.

Saul Berenson: With all due respect, David, I think Carrie should do it.

David Estes: Are you sure Carrie is emotionally stable enough for this?

Saul Berenson: What makes you think sheís not?

David Estes: Well, just look at her!

[ reveal Carrie spazzing out ]

Saul Berenson: David, is it because sheís a woman?

David Estes: No, itís because sheís washing down pills with white wine.

Saul Berenson: I trust her, David.

David Estes: Sorry, Saul, I canít do it.

Carrie Mathison: Whatís going on here, David? Are you guys talking about me? Were you talking about me? Oh, hi, Brody! Are you leaving your wife for me? Iím just kidding... ah ah ah, ha ha...

Saul Berenson: Listen, Carrie, for some reason, David doesnít want you to do the interrogation.

Carrie Mathison: No! David, no, no! David, no, no! David, no, no, no!

Saul Berenson: She makes some good points, David.

David Estes: Carrie, why donít you give us a minute?

Carrie Mathison: And do what?

Saul Berenson: Would you like to pin some pictures to that corkboard?

Carrie Mathison: Yes, I would really like that! [ she retreats to the corkboard ]

Saul Berenson: She loves her corkboard. David, sheís only let me down every time I trusted her. Give me one reason not to trust her again.

David Estes: Well, she had sex with the last person she interrogated.

Saul Berenson: Give me one more reason.

David Estes: Well, look what she did to that corkboard in, like, ten seconds!

[ reveal corkboard completely filled ]

Nicolas Brody: I have to go -- my familyís gonna wonder where I am.

David Estes: Can you not open your mouth any wider?

Nicolas Brody: I have to go.

David Estes: Did you just do all your breathing through your nose, then?

Carrie Mathison: [ holding up drawing ] Hey everyone, look, I made a drawing of me and Brody kissing... for the investigation.

Nicolas Brody: Thatís a secret that only everyone knows!

David Estes: Well, this couldnít get any worse...

[ suddenly, Brody's daughter enters, brooding ]

Saul Berenson: Oh no, Brodyís daughter.

Dana Brody: Dad? Dad, are you here? Dad? Dad? Dad, are you here?

David Estes: Howíd she walk into a CIA facility?

Saul Berenson: She just shows up places.

Dana Brody: [ standing next to Carrie ] Dad, who is this? When are you coming home, Dad?

Carrie Mathison: Hi Dana, Iím Carrie! Iím your new mommy!

Dana Brody: Dad, no!

Nicolas Brody: Carrie, enough! You leave me and my family alone, do you understand?

[ suddenly, Carrie starts really freaking out, her face all over the place ]

David Estes: Oh no, this isnít good: there goes the chin!

Saul Berenson: Sheís having one of her jazz freak-outs.

David Estes: Just look at her, itís like she makes her mouth turn fully upside down! Her eyes seem to be looking five directions at once! Itís like her whole face is chewing gum!

Saul Berenson: Sheís a rock, David, nothing gets to her.

Carrie Mathison: David, David, Glavid, Ron!

Saul Berenson: Sheís the best in the biz.

David Estes: No, I made my decision: Carrie is not doing the interrogation.

Saul Berenson: Let me tell you something one of only ten rabbis once told me. Sometimes, wisdom is found in the craziest people.

David Estes: What?! Okay, you convinced me. Carrie can go with it.

Nicolas Brody: Sheís already in there, and sheís already having sex with him.

[ reveal Carrie making out with the suspect, as Dana enters [

Dana Brody: Dad, are you there? Dad, I hit something with the car, Dad.

[ fade ]

Submitted by: Jacques

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